Russ Meneve - Dating

Hawkins, Meneve, Ravin, Kennedy Season 4, Ep 0403 01/13/2001 Views: 3,327

Don't you want to kill some of your friends for the blind dates they set you up on? (3:04)

>> RUSS: KEEP IT GOING FOR 'EM,

LOS ANGELES.

LET 'EM HEAR IT, HUH?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS GREAT.

I'M ALL EXCITED TODAY.

I JUST BOUGHT A CELL PHONE

TODAY.

THAT'S EXCITING, HUH?

I THINK IN ANOTHER YEAR, I'LL BE

ABLE TO AFFORD TO ANSWER IT,

EVERYBODY.

I'M GETTING EXCITED.

YOU KNOW?

BUT YOU SEE-- THEY HAVE THOSE

CELL PHONES.

THEY JUST HAVE THAT LITTLE

EARPIECE, YOU KNOW, TO HOLD

THE PHONE.

YOU CAN'T TELL WHO'S INSANE

ANYMORE.

AM I RIGHT?

I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET.

SOME GUY IS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY!

I WORKED ALL DAY.

YOU PICK UP THE KIDS!

(LAUGHTER)

YOU HEARD ME.

DO IT!"

"ALL RIGHT.

I'LL DO IT.

BUT I NEVER LOVED YOU."

(LAUGHTER)

DATING, I THINK, IS REALLY HARD.

I-- FOR-- GIRLS ARE AFRAID, TOO,

ESPECIALLY IN NEW YORK CITY.

I GO UP TO ONE GIRL, AND I ASKED

HER FOR HER NUMBER.

SHE SAYS, "I DON'T GIVE MY

NUMBER OUT.

YOU MAY BE CRAZY.

GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER."

GIRLS ARE LAUGHING, BECAUSE THIS

IS HOW THEY SCREEN FOR PSYCHOS.

RIGHT?

SO SHE CALLS.

WE GO OUT.

AND I KILL HER.

NOW, HERE'S THE POINT,

EVERYBODY.

PSYCHOS HAVE PHONES, TOO.

OKAY?

AND THEY CAN FAKE BEING NORMAL

FOR A 20-MINUTE CONVERSATION.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THEY PICK UP THE PHONE,

"KILL, KILL.

HELLO?"

THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.

AND THE BLIND DATE IS THE--

DON'T YOU WANT TO KILL SOME OF

YOUR FRIENDS FOR THE PEOPLE

THEY SET YOU UP WITH?

THE LAST ONE MY FRIENDS TOLD ME

THE GIRL LOOKED LIKE A

CELEBRITY.

ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW CLOSE

SOMEBODY CAN LOOK TO A

GOOD-LOOKING PERSON AND BE UGLY?

SHE'S LIKE, "DON'T I LOOK LIKE

DEMI MOORE?"

"YEAH.

EXCEPT I DON'T THINK DEMI HAS A

LAZY EYE OR A DOUBLE CHIN."

(LAUGHTER)

AND SHE WAS A CLOWN FOR KIDS'

PARTIES.

THAT'S WHAT SHE DID FOR A

LIVING.

AND SHE WAS ALSO INTO ROUGH SEX,

WHICH I FOUND OUT IS THE WORST

COMBINATION BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT

WAS REALLY GET ROUGH DOWN THERE.

I LOOKED DOWN.

MY PENIS WAS TWISTED INTO A

GIRAFFE.

(LAUGHTER)

I-- YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE?

SHE WAS ALSO A MIME.

AND SHE COULDN'T JUST GO DOWN.

SHE HAD TO GO DOWN LIKE THIS.

THIS IS A BIG TURNOFF.

(CIRCUS MUSIC SOUND EFFECT)

(LAUGHTER)

I WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY ONE DAY.

BUT I HAD SUCH A TERRIBLE

CHILDHOOD.

DID YOU EVER HAVE A FLASHBACK

TO YOUR CHILDHOOD AND YOU WANT

TO KILL YOUR PARENTS FOR SOME

OF THE STUFF THEY PULLED GROWING

UP?

I'M ON THE PHONE WITH MY SISTER.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, KEL.

REMEMBER THE TIME WE GOT

MONOPOLY AND WE PLAYED ALL

NIGHT?"

SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH.

I DO.

HOW ABOUT THE TIME YOU FINISHED

ALL THE MUSTARD AND DAD BEAT YOU

WITH A FLASHLIGHT?"

(LAUGHTER)

"I'M GONNA HAVE TO CALL YOU

BACK."

MY DAD WAS THE ANGRIEST GUY

IN THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW THAT?

I WRECKED HIS CAR WHEN I WAS 17

YEARS OLD, AND I HAD TO MAKE

THAT PHONE CALL AT 2:00

IN THE MORNING.

HE WAS LIKE "WHAT THE--

WHO IS IT?"

"HEY, DAD.

IT'S ME, RUSS."

"WHAT THE (BLEEP)-- WHAT TIME IS

IT?"

"WELL, IT'S 2 A.M.

BUT I WANTED TO GIVE YOU A HEAD

START FOR WORK, 'CAUSE YOU'RE

GONNA BE WALKING."

THAT'S ALL MY TIME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I'M RUSS MENEVE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY!

♪ (BAND PLAYING)