Whitney Cummings - Penises Are Like Snowflakes

Denis Leary: Douchebags and Donuts Season 1, Ep 101 01/16/2011 Views: 77,283

After getting out of a long-term relationship, Whitney Cummings is shocked by the variety of penises out in the world. (2:11)

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YOU GUYS LOVE SEX.YOU GUYS LOVE SEX.

AND I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT.

THE REASON YOU GUYS THINKABOUT SEX ALL THE TIME

IS 'CAUSE WOMEN ARE GORGEOUS.

WHEN YOU GUYS SEE WOMEN,

OF COURSE YOU WANTTO HAVE SEX WITH THEM,

'CAUSE ALL WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL.

WE'RE NOT AS OBSESSED WITH SEX

'CAUSE YOU GUYSARE [BLEEP] DISGUSTING.

I'M SORRY.YOU'RE HIDEOUS.

YOUR PENISES?HOW DARE YOU WITH THOSE THINGS?

THEY'RE EMBARRASSING.

YOU'RE JUST WALKING AROUNDWITH THOSE THINGS?

ALL OF YOU?UGH-HUGH.

YOU MUST--UGH.

WELL, HERE'S WHATI RECENTLY REALIZED.

I JUST GOT OUTOF A FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP,

AND WHEN YOU'REIN A LONG RELATIONSHIP,

YOU GET USED TO THE PENISTHAT YOU SEE EVERY DAY.

IT GROWS ON YOUR, RIGHT?

BUT NOW I'M BACKIN THE GAME AGAIN.

I'M SEEING THESE NEW PENISES.

PENISES ARE LIKE [BLEEP]SNOWFLAKES, OKAY?

NO TWO ARE THE SAME.

YOU SEE A NEW ONEAND YOU'RE LIKE,

"DU--I'VE NEVER SEENTHAT VEIN BEFORE.

"THAT'S A NEW BROWN SPLOTCHI'VE NEVER SEEN.

"I'M GONNA HAVE TO GOGOOGLE THAT LATER.

"I HOPE THAT SHIT'S ON WEB MD.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DOWITH THAT?"

BUT THE PROBLEM, YOU GOT TOINSPECT THE NEW PENIS.

YOU GOT TO MAKE SUREEVERYTHING'S SET.

BUT THE PROBLEM IS, WHEN YOU'RETHAT CLOSE TO THE PENIS,

YOU'RE THAT CLOSETO THE PENIS, OKAY?

WHICH MEANS YOU GOT TO DOSOMETHING ABOUT IT,

WHICH MEANS YOU GOT TO PUTTHAT THING IN YOUR MOUTH.

THAT'S WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN.

YOU HAVE TO SOMEHOWFIGURE OUT A WAY

TO GET THAT PENISINTO YOUR MOUTH.

IT NEVER [BLEEP] GETS EASIER,GUYS.

LET ME TELL YOU THAT MUCH.

IT NEVER JUST GETS EASYTO PUT A PENIS IN YOUR MOUTH.

YOU GOT TO PLAYALL THESE MIND TRICKS

TO GET IT IN THERE.

YOU JUST--

PHEWWWW!

PHHHOOOO!

YOU GOT TO JUST [BLEEP] MAN UP.

IT'S LIKE BEING ON FEAR FACTOR.

YOU JUST GOT TO--

NO, I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

I HAVE A BAD BACK.I CAN'T WITH THAT.

YOUR GUYS' PENISESARE SO UGLY,

THE SECOND YOU GUYS ARE BORN,

SOMEONE HAS TO CUTSOME OF IT OFF

JUST TO MAKE IT EVENSOMEWHAT PRESENTABLE.

THE DOCTOR WAS LIKE,

"I DON'T KNOW.JUST CUT IT O--

I DON'T KNOW."

I HAVE SEENAN UNCIRCUMCISED PENIS.

HORRIBLE.HORRIBLE.

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT WAS GOING ON,

'CAUSE I SAW IT,AND I WAS LIKE,

"IT CAN'T POSSIBLY--

THAT HASN'T HAPPENEDSINCE THE CIVIL WAR, RIGHT?"

SO I WAS LIKE--I TALKED MYSELF OUT.

I SAW IT, I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT IS THAT, A SCRUNCHIEON THERE?

WHAT IS THAT?"