HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN THERE?
OH, IT'S THE MOST HIDEOUS PLACE.
I HAD A ROOMMATE WHO WAS
A SIZE 00.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT?
ALWAYS COLD.
IT WAS LIKE LIVING WITH A
CHIHUAHUA.
SHE WAS ALWAYS LIKE, "LYNNE,
ARE YOU COLD?
I AM SO COLD.
ARE YOU TURNING THE AIR DOWN?
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
IT'S SO COLD IN HERE."
"YOU SHOULD EAT SOME SOLID FOOD,
WHORE."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S TRUE.
IT'S SO ANNOYING.
SHE ACTUALLY ASKED ME FOR
FOUR GRAPES ONCE.
SHE COUNTED GRAPES.
WHAT KIND OF MENTAL PATIENT
COUNTS GRAPES?
DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO DOES
THAT?
THAT IS THE WEIRDEST THING,
FOUR GRAPES.
TO ME GRAPES AREN'T EVEN A FOOD.
THEY'RE LIKE A PALATE CLEANSER.
THAT'S WHAT I EAT TO GET THE
BIG MAC TASTE OUT OF MY MOUTH.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SO I CAN START MY FISH FILET.
I DON'T COUNT THEM I JUST
EAT THEM.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
HERE'S THE THING.
I'M GONNA SAY IT RIGHT NOW
ON NATIONAL TV.
I'M A SIZE 14 NATURALLY.
IF I EAT WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE EAT,
LIKE BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER
AND A PIZZA SNACK, I'M A SIZE
14.
AND I LIKE TO SAY THAT AND THEN
LOOK OUT IN THE AUDIENCE.
'CAUSE MEN THAT ARE LIKE 20
AND BELOW ARE ALWAYS LIKE,
"THAT'S KIND OF BIG."
MEN 30 AND ABOVE, YOU'RE SMART.
YOU KNOW HOW TO CLEAR YOUR FACE
OF ALL THOUGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
THEY'RE LIKE THEY'RE TRYING
TO PASS THE POLYGRAPH TEST.
LIKE, "IS THAT BIG?
I HAD NO IDEA.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL TO ME."
'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'LL BLUDGEON
YOU TO DEATH WITH THIS
MIKE STAND, AND IT WON'T EVEN BE
MY FAULT.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]