- Like flashings,like a flirty, like...
This was just,[grunts]
[dark electronic music]
[cheering and applause]
- Hello, everybody.
Welcometo "This is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,and tonight
it's all storiesabout romance.
I fucking love him. You'll love him too.
Give it up for Mr. Kyle Kinane, everybody.
- This story takes placea little over a decade ago.
It was right before I movedto Los Angeles.
I was kind of making my roundswith friends,
so-- [clears throat]talking to a buddy,
and he's like,"Yeah," I'm like
"Hey, man, I'm leaving soon,so if you got any time
to get together," he said,"I'm having a birthday party
"with some co-workers.Uh, come on out, just--
You know, hang out withthe co-workers, have a drink."
Say bye before you split town."So I did that.
[clearing throat] I met himat a bar called Durty Nelly's,
'cause God knows there's notenough Irish bars
called Durty Nelly'sin the world.
So I go and I meet upwith my buddy.
I get there,my buddy's day job--
I-I know him from whenwe played in bands,
so it's like weird,it's like seeing like,
like old punk rock buddy,but his day job,
he taught severelydevelopmentally disabled kids,
and that was--that was his day job.
And that's a--that's a hard job.Like it only my--
I couldn't even put myselfin the shoes of people
that do that job,like to deal with, you know,
severely developmentallydisable--and you're there,
and I-I got to the barand it was all teachers
from the school,and they all--
They were drinking becausethey needed to drink,
and they--and they had the lookson their faces,
like--like Vietnam veteranshave softer looks
on their faces, thenthe people that teach, like,
the special ed that they taught.
Like, I mean, like GG Allincan walk around
with shit smeared on him,
but he knowswhere that shit came from.
It came from his own ass.
Fuck GG Allin, all right?
Talk to a teacher ofdevelopmentally disabled kids,
like, "Yeah, I got shit on me.I don't know where it came from.
My back's turned,and I don't have another shirt.
Get some more shots."That's who--
That's who was drinkingat the bar that day.
And--and God bless themfor doing that.
You know? For little to no paythat they're doing that job,
and they're alljust fucking drink--
It wasn't even beers,it was just shots.
You can cla--Yeah, applaud for it, yeah.
They bust their assand somebody's doing that.
Thank Godthat they're doing that,
but they dranklike they did that job.
They were like I said.There was no--
There was no buffer rounds,there just be a plate of shots.
And then, like, "Wait, we'regonna wait for the beers?"
"We're not drinking beers,pussy, just drink your shots.
Plural.We each get three."
So we're just--We're just drinking.
Just blah, like I got there,but they--
It was--It's still daylight.
[laughter]They're school teachers.
They were done at 4:00.
It's 4:30, and they're just...[growls]
And, uh, you know, as the shotsare going in,
'cause you know--
cavorting and carousing,you know, that's it.
You know, you dealwith that trauma every day,
and you release ithowever you can.
So all the teachers aremingling, getting together,
who's talking to who,and now I'm left
in the side roomwith a--with a gal.
And there wasn't even--really any flirting
there was just some talking,and then she was--
Well, she--she was flirtingwith me--she started flirting.
Her way of flirting was to--She just flashed me...
where there is a--with a totallyineffected face.
That's so off-putting.
- Like flashings,like a flirty, like...
This was just,[grunts]
And then she just lefther shirt up.
Maybe she wasn't even flashing.
Maybe she was justairing out her boobs.
I don't know,but just like shirt was up,
and she'd look at me,and then she'd like
start doingsomething else, like,
"I feel like havinga cigarette."
She digged through her purse,like, "Put your boobs--
Put your boobs away.
"This is a bar and grill,ma'am.
And it is almost dinner time."
So that was the--That was the flirting.
That was it.That was me and--
My guess, me and you.
Unless I'm reading--This messages are getting mixed.
Unless the airwavesare getting scrambled.
I think we're flirting
'cause your shirt's been upfor 20 minutes
and I have just beenlooking at it.
So then she goes,"Let's go to my car."
That was it.There was...
no kissing, no necking,
as the young folkslike to call it.
No old-fashioned necking.
"Let's go to my car.""Okay."
'Cause I've been havingall the shots too.
I've been drinkinglike a teacher of...
developmentally disabled people.
I'm not built for that.So I was pretty shithouse.
So we walk out,and her car's right there,
in front of the door.
She was the first oneat the bar.
So we just--We get in her car.
And,"Okay, what are we gonna do?
Chit-chat?Get to know each other?"
Just like that.Just like,
"Oh, I guess I'll getin your--What is this?
Like a '89, '88?What--Oh, oh, Lord."
Just--Just right,just there
and I don't--
Because it's--Like I said,it's still daylight.
There--there people goingto get meals.
And I'm also drunk,so I'm like--
Part of me is like,"Fuck, whoo!"
And--and another part is like,"Stop! Stop it!
"There's a children sectionof the menu for this place.
Knock it off!"
And so I'm like,
"We should--We should go aroundthe corner or something."
She's like, "Ugh."
She was disgustedby the idea of privacy.
So, uh, fires up the car,and we pull out.
I don't knowhow much shit we ran into,
but just, turn the wheeland just bumper bowled.
We find a parking spotor a yard or something.
And there's just--
So there's some,like, messing around,
but nothing,and I'm like, "I don't--
This shouldn't happen,but it's--
It's a mixed emotionto be like,
"Am I taking advantage of you,"or I'll also be like,
"Stop, stop touching.Stop, stop.
"No, s--get--no.Get out.
You get out of there."And--
But then I feel like,"No, I really shouldn't.
then she's like, "Well, I'm justgonna drive home."
And that can't happen.
At this moment,she's a threat.
She's a threatto the community...
And that's when I realized
that just, out of purecivic responsibility...
I have to have sexwith this woman.
[laughter and applause]
To keep the streetssafe for the kids!
And, all right, if--
If keepingyou off the roadways
for a few more minutes
saves a life,here we go.
And then we were bothjust dipping in and out
of consciousnessthrough the whole thing.
There's nothing--I mean, I don't care
how many, you know,Bruce Springsteen,
Bob Seger tunesyou hear, like,
♪ Well,we had sex in the car ♪
♪ It was fumbly, but it washot and sweet and innocent ♪
It sucks.No, it sucks.
It's just shitty,and you're trying to have sex
and there's just a gear shift
that's almost poking youin the ass,
and part of you is like,"Maybe,"
and you're like,"Yeah, don't."
Only at the factthat one of you get excited,
bump it into neutral,now you're in the traffic.
So and then you got one kneein the fucking change cup
and the other onein the ashtray,
and nothing's hot about it.
It's just clumsy and shitty,and maybe you come,
and maybe you fall asleepand who knows what happens.
Either way, we bothwake up from a nap,
Just waking up from a nappants--
Both just Daffy Ducking,right in the front seat there.
You know, thatthat we were all--
Whatever--whateverwe built up to, it's happened.
So how do we...?What do you--What do you do?
Small talk, I guess.
Just like, "[laughs],so...moving to California."
She just goes, "My kids livein California."
And--and she took out a pictureof her kids.
Her kids were as old as I was.
Like I'm thinking,"Kids," like, "We're having sex,
so your kids, like,"No, your kids are--
Oh, my God, how many?Jeez, you got hot kids, lady.
Oh, I just banged the momof some hot kids."
That was the endof that effort.
"Moving to California?Look at my hot kids!"
All right.Dead end.
Still sitting there.It's rude to leave, you know?
Plus, we were still drunk.I don't know.
And suddenly I see a cassettetape laying there,
I'm like, "Oh, all right.Look at that, oh, Journey."
Thank God.Everybody likes Journey
and how metaphoric, becausewhat has this evening been?
She takes it off my hand,now she gets mean.
She takes it off my hand,she's like,
"That Journey I taped over it!""Oh, no!"
"With what?A slightly better band?"
"No."Puts it in the cassette deck.
Christian rock music."Oh, mm, mm."
Which she promptly startssinging along to,
because she realizedshe sinned.
So I thought I was gonna just--
I thought I was gonnanot stop believing.
Now I don'tbelieve in anything.
I still don't wanna leave.It still seems rude to leave.
Like, maybe she just likesthe chord progressions.
She was like, "Oh, it's not--It's not Journey for sure.
It's Christian.You're a Christian?"
And somehow we just let logic
to where...she just--
Forgetting that she believedin Jesus, decided to get
real upset and say,"It's all your fault,
because the white man stolemy people's land."
At no point did we discuss
ethnicity at all
in the evening
"I'm gonna go."
That is kind of a good argumentagainst the white guy.
It's just, "You stolemy people's land."
"You got--You got me."
"I don't know what else to do.Did we wear a condom?
Never mind.I'm gonna go."
I just, uh--Yeah, I left.
I got out of the carat that point,
'cause I realized there wasnothing I was gonna do
that was gonna remedythe situation,
I hope she's well.
There's no...cool moral
or a sweet little bowon the story.
Just a--Just a yarn abouthow I stuck my dick
where it shouldn't have gone.
That's it,so thanks, everybody.
[dark electronic music]