Greg Behrendt - Drunk Dial

Behrendt, Daniels, Yard, Joyce, Mac, Nystrom, Schaal Season 1, Ep 2 07/27/2006 Views: 3,644

Greg Behrendt is saved from making a drunk dial. (3:36)

But it started to kind ofturn into a relationship.

Like, we moved in together,right?

She moved in with me, right?

She didn't love me that much.She moved in with me.

That's a plus.( laughter )

And then one nightI caught her making out

with another dudeon the driveway.

That's a minus.( laughter )

And I thought to myself,

we're gonna have to have a convoabout that,

because the parameters

for, you know, this relationshipare too wide.

I want you to be yourself,but not with other dudes.

( laughter )

Then we kind of split up,but were living together.

That's a bummer.You're laying in bed together.

"( blee ) you.Can I have some pillow?"

( laughter )

Finally, she moved to New Yorkto live with this guy.

And, uh, they were living...

They were gonna livein an apartment,

but they were staying in a hoteltogether, so

they had moved to New York, andI started to think to myself,

"This relationshipmight be over, you know?"

Yeah, yeah.

I took an inventory and thought,"It could be over."

It's not looking good for dude.

It's fourth and ten, baby,I got.

So, during the day,it's easy not to call.

It's easy not to callduring the day.

You know what I'm talking about?

When you're going throughsort of a breakup.

You know, 'cause you got friendsor ex-boxer, whatever you got,

stuff that you're doing.

( laughter )

But then night time comes by,

and booze stops overfor a visit.

( laughter )

You know, and I'm just sayingtonight,

if you're going througha breakup, and you're drinking,

don't call.

Just don't call. Don't do it.

Just don't call,'cause here's the thing.

Booze has information in it.

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )


And that information has to getto your person now!

( laughter )

So, at 3:00 Los Angeles time,

3:00 a.m. Los Angeles time,

6:00 New York time,when ladies love to be called,

right before breakfast...

( laughter )

...I blow in a call.

Now she's living... she's livingat the Paramount Hotel, right?

And the guyat the Paramount Hotel

is very cool, right?

And he's, like, "Hello.Paramount Hotel."

Now, I'm so drunkthat I can't make words.

( laughter )Can't make 'em.

Can buy a vowel,can't buy a consonant.

Just, aah-aah, aah, aah-aah,aah, aah! Aah!

( scattered applause )

And the guy at the ParamountHotel has a lot of patience.

He's a kind person.

He says, "Sir, I can'tunderstand what you're saying.

Would you like to tryand spell it?"

( laughter )

And I look around my room.

I can't find any dignity,so, yeah, I'll spell it.

( laughter )

( applause )

So, that's what I do-- I spellit for him, and eventually,

he understandswho I want to talk to,

but right beforehe puts me through...

'Cause he goes, "All right, sir,

I'll connect youin just a minute."

And then he pauses,and then he goes,

"Sir, are you sureyou want me to...?"

"Are you sureyou want to make this call?"

And I'm, like,"Dude, can you see me?

"Am I... Can you smell me?

Am I that pathetic?"


( laughter )

And so I hung up,or passed out,

or some versionof stopped calling.

( laughter )

On the next day,

I was so grateful for that dude,

I was so thankfulfor that guy.

Like, oh, my God,what an awesome dude.

How nice of himto step out of the darkness

and put the, you know, stop.

You know? And I was thinking,

"I wish I had that guyon my phone all the time."

Wouldn't that be great?

Or just if you were goingthrough a breakup.

You know what I mean?

Just someoneto talk you through, you know?

He'd be able to say to you then,he would say,

"Dude, she's just not thatinto you."

And then you'd be able to say,"I know."

( laughter )

( applause )

And then he would reroute youthe pizza.