Kyle Kinane - Fighting with Pistachios

Kyle Kinane: "I Liked His Old Stuff Better" Season 1, Ep 1 01/23/2015 Views: 10,719

Eating pistachios is the closest Kyle Kinane will ever come to hand-to-hand combat. (1:20)

Watch Full Episode

I wanted pistachio nuts.

Already an old-person snack.

Senior citizens,they love shelled nuts.

It's one of the last thingsthat's gonna put up a fight.

That's why I like them too.Pistachios, that's--

Like, that's the closestI've ever come

to hand-to-hand combat,

is the two seconds it takesfor each pistachio nut.

Each one gets its own scenario.

You're like,you tell me where she is!

I fight each one.

Where's the briefcase,Mendoza?

I just get at them.

Especially the ones that areclosed all the way up.


Those sinister [bleep],the arrogant ones.

They rely on your own lazinessfor their survival.

Like, you're not--you don'thave the time for us, Kyle.

Just push us aside.

They're likethe smarmy criminals, like,

you're not gonna get me.

You're not gonna get the secretsout of me.

And, [bleep],I get those guys first.

I line them up on my dashboard.

I hit them with the backof my phone.

That's what I do.

I can do that because I gotinsurance on my phone

because that's what you dowhen you're older,

you get insurancefor your temporary electronics.

That's what I do.

You got disposable income.

How much?8 bucks a month?

Awesome, that just turned thisinto a hammer.