Darryl Lenox - The Last Klondike Bar

Season 1, Ep 0105 08/10/2006 Views: 2,531

Life changes fast when you eat the one thing your girlfriend planned her whole evening around. (2:57)

I'm serious.New York, you know what?

I got so much love in my lifenow, that nothing else matters.

I'd rather... I'd rather tryto spend my time

making my girl happy

than listening toTucker Carlson tell me...

You know what I mean?

I'd rather do that thanthe other dumb stuff.

Plus...And there's fear in love, too.

Sometimes, you do stuffyou have no idea is scary.

Like maybe, hey, dude, you everate the last Klondike bar?

Now, you didn't knowshe been thinking about it

since 11:00 in the morningthat day at work?

( laughter )

You... you ever dothat before, man?

You ever atethe last thing of something

and didn't know she plannedher whole evening

around eating that one thing?

That's way past"orange alert" fear,

you don't whatthe hell happened.

( laughter )

You didn't know she had toldfive of her friends

about the ice cream and...

they made a planto have a conference call

to discuss the deliciousnessof the damn treat.

( laughter )

You just ate the ice cream.

So she comes home from work,she's all tired,

she go in her room,take off her work clothes

so she can put on herice-cream-eating outfit.

( laughter )

Always someraggedy-ass sweatpants

that come rolled way up to here.

Pop that bra andthat blouse off.

"Oh, God, it was hotout there today! Jesus!"

( laughter )And they put a sweatshirt on.

Sometimes, they put their hairin that little...

( clicks tongue ) ...ballright there.

You see that ball?

That is not anI'm-ready-to-make-love ball.

( laughter )

That's an all-hell's-going-to-break-loose-

cause-my-ice-cream-ain't-in-the-freezer ball.

( laughter )

So she headsright for that kitchen,

looking for that ice cream, man.

"I've been thinkingabout this all day... wha...


"You left the empty boxin there,

you selfish son of a bitch?"

( laughter )

Now she's mad,'cause she's gotta eat

her second food choice--

it's always some bull ( bleep ),like a banana.

She walk in the living room,eating her ( bleep ) banana

waiting for you to saysomething stupid.

( laughter )

( grunts )

You sit up andyou don't have a clue

your whole life'sabout the change.

( laughter )

You still got chocolateall on your face, man.

( laughter )

Your fingers is all sticky--

you have no clue how mad she is.

She's so mad, she gonna have herperiod again--

just ended three days ago.

( laughter )

You just...

You just sitting up therewatching SportsCenter,

being an ass ( bleep ).

( goofy grunt )

( licking, smacking )

( laughter )

"Hey, you're havinga banana, huh?"

( laughter )

"You know I love watching youwork them bananas over."

( laughter )

There's nothing scarierthan that, you know?

So here'sthe bottom line for me.

Here's the bottom line,before I leave.

You only going to live once.

One day, you're justnot going to wake up.

You don't know whenthat's going to be,

so why not just choose stuffthat makes you feel good?

'Cause if you'rea big news junkie,

and you're worriedabout this or that,

I got some bad news for you--

neither Bill O'Reillynor Bill Maher

is going to cometo your funeral, so...

( laughter )

Anyway, thank you very much.