Patton Oswalt - Supermarket Depression Pt. 1

Patton Oswalt: Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time Season 1, Ep 101 04/06/2014 Views: 37,318

An empty supermarket proves to be the perfect place for Patton Oswalt's depression to take hold. (2:26)

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THE LAST TIME IT GOT MEWAS PRETTY CLEVER.

I'LL GIVE IT CREDIT.

IT WAS A TUESDAY,LIKE 11:00 IN THE MORNING.

AND I WENT TO A GROCERY STORENEAR MY HOUSE.

SO, JUST GET THAT VISUALIN YOUR HEAD.

IT'S A GROCERY STORE,11:00 A.M. ON A WEEKDAY --

LIKE SIX OTHER PEOPLE IN IT.

IT'S BASICALLY EMPTY.

I JUST WENT IN THERE, LIKE,

"I'LL WALK AROUNDAND SEE IF I NEED ANYTHING."

WHICH, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,IS A VERY DEBAUCHED,

ROMAN-EMPEROR WAYTO GO SHOPPING,

WHERE YOU'RE LIKE,"OH, I'LL JUST WALK UP.

"LINE ALL OF YOUR GOODSON PARALLEL SHELVES.

"I SHALL WALK BY AND REVIEW THEM

"AND SEE IF ANYTHINGCATCHES MY FANCY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WORK HARDER FOR MY ATTENTION,HARD PRETZELS,

IF YOU WANT TO RIDEIN MY CHARIOT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I END UPIN THE FROZEN-FOOD AISLE,

AND I'M LOOKING AT A SHELFOF LEAN CUISINES.

SO, GET THAT VISUALIN YOUR HEAD.

IT'S A WALL OF --

IT'S LIKE THE WHITE BOXWITH A LITTLE ORANGE CORNER.

WELL, IT'S THE ORANGE CORNER

IF YOU'RE GETTINGTHE CAFE CLASSICS,

AND IT'S THE GREEN CORNER IFYOU'RE BUYING THE SPA FAVORITES.

THERE'S A LEAN CUISINETO FIT EVERY LIFESTYLE.

AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?

IT'S A PRETTY FANTASTIC PRODUCT,WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

I'M GETTING $25,000FOR THIS SETUP,

SO IF YOU COULDJUST BEAR WITH ME.

ALL RIGHT, SO...

AGAIN, I DON'T KNOWIF I WANT TO --

I'M JUST LOOKING AT THEM.

"OH, THAI NOODLESIN PEANUT SAUCE. OKAY.

PASTA PRIMAVERA. MEH."

AND AS I'M LOOKINGAT ALL OF THEM,

TOTO'S "AFRICA" STARTED PLAYINGON THE AMBIENT MUSIC.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT --

IT WAS THE COMBINATIONOF 11:00 A.M. ON A TUESDAY,

LEAN CUISINES, TOTO'S "AFRICA."

I HAVE NEVER FELTMORE PEACEFULLY,

EFFORTLESSLY,JOYOUSLY SUICIDAL IN --

IT WASN'T EVEN DESPAIR OR --

IF I'D HAD A GUN RIGHT HERE,

I WOULD'VE JUST BROUGHT IT UP,ONE SMOOTH MOVEMENT.

JUST, LIKE, GOING, "OH,THEY HAVE FRENCH-CRUST PIZZA.

♪ DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO

PFFFVVV!