Jimmy Shubert - Seafood Aquarium

  • Season 8, Ep 8
  • 02/19/2004
  • Views: 3,293

TO THE POINT YOU CAN'T EVEN

RELAX ANYMORE.

THE WHOLE WORLD'S GONE NUTS.

IT'S CRAZY.

EVEN IN RESTAURANTS, YOU KNOW

WHAT I MEAN?

YOU GO TO A RESTAURANT AND THEY

GET YOU STARTED EATIN' YOUR

ENTREE.

AND A GUY POPS OUT OF NOWHERE.

"FRESH PEPPER?"

"AH!

YOU SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME!

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, A TABLE

LEG?

WHAT IS THAT YOU--"

[LAUGHTER]

NOW MAYBE IT'S ME, ISN'T PEPPER

ALWAYS FRESH?

YOU EVER BITTEN INTO SOME AND

SAID, "THIS TASTES HORRIBLE.

HOW OLD'S THIS PEPPER?

YOU DIDN'T LEAVE IT OUT IN THE

SHAKER ALL DAY, DID YA?

THAT STUFF'LL SPOIL."

I FELT BAD FOR THE OLD GUY,

I GUESS FROM YEARS OF SMACK,

HE HAD THE WORST CASE OF CARPAL

TUNNEL SYNDROME I'VE EVER SEEN

IN MY LIFE.

HE COULDN'T EVEN--

HE KEPT SLIPPIN' OFF THE TOP.

HE ACTUALLY HAD TO PUT THE

PEPPER BAZOOKA UP ON HIS

SHOULDER WHILE A TEAM OF BUSBOYS

WORKED IT FROM THE BACK END.

[LAUGHTER]

NEW YORK, YOU GUYS DON'T MESS

AROUND HERE!

I WENT OUT FOR BREAKFAST THIS

MORNING AT ONE OF YOUR DINERS.

I'M LOOKIN' AT THE MENU.

AND ITEM NUMBER FOUR IN THE

MENU, IT SAID PROTEIN SCRAMBLE.

AND I'M READING THE INGREDIENTS.

IT'S AN EGG OMELET WITH CHICKEN

MEAT IN IT.

A CHICKEN OMELET.

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS WRONG!

YOU DON'T TAKE THE EGGS OUT OF A

CHICKEN, AND THEN COOK THE

CHICKEN AND PUT IN THE EGGS!

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THAT'S TOO MUCH CHICKEN.

WHO'S BACK THERE COOKIN' SOME

KINDA CHICKEN SERIAL KILLER?

WHO'S WORKIN' THE GRILL,

THE BARNYARD STRANGLER?

THAT'S AN OMELET THAT SPANS

TWO GENERATIONS.

THAT'S NOT BREAKFAST,

THAT'S A VENDETTA.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS OUT HAVIN' SEAFOOD

LAST WEEK.

WE WALKED IN A SEAFOOD

RESTAURANT THAT HAD A GIANT

FISH AQUARIUM IN THE CENTER

OF THE SEAFOOD RESTAURANT.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

THOSE LITTLE FISH IN THAT TANK

GOT NUTHIN' TO DO ALL DAY

EXCEPT SWIM AROUND AND WATCH

THE WAITERS WALK BY WITH THE

DIFFERENT WAYS THAT THEY CAN BE

PREPARED.

YOU TALK ABOUT INHUMANE.

YOU COULD SEE THE HORROR

ON THEIR LITTLE FISH FACES.

JUST BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE

NECKS DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE

STUPID.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA GO INTO A

BARBECUE JOINT THAT HAS A

PETTING ZOO IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I WAS TRYING TO EAT SOME FISH,

AND THE LITTLE FISH ARE JUST

STARIN' AT YA.

"OH, MY GOD, THERE GOES ANOTHER

ONE ON A BED OF RICE WITH A SIDE

OF ASPARAGUS.

AH!

[HYPERVENTILATING]

IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE THEY COME AND GET US,

LARRY.

[LAUGHTER]

LARRY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LARRY!

LAR-RYYYYY!"

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

"I'M CRYIN' FOR YA, LAR.

EXCEPT NOBODY KNOWS I'M CRYING

'CAUSE I'M IN WATER.

[LAUGHTER]

WHERE ARE THE ANIMAL RIGHTS

PEOPLE, HUH?

I GUESS IF YOU DON'T HAVE FUR,

YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

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