Howard Kremer - Sneezing

  • Season 11, Ep 20
  • 04/05/2007
  • Views: 4,068

If sneezing wasn't natural, guys would try to sell you Sneeze on the street. (4:02)

WHO-WHO-WHO!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

WHEN I SAY, "VODKA," Y'ALL SAY, "DRINK!" VODKA!

- DRINK!- OOH.

- VODKA!- DRINK!

- OOH. THAT'S APPLE JUICE. - [LAUGHTER]

FIRST OFF, GIVE IT UP FOR MY DJ, SCRATCHATORY RAPE.

HE'S RIGHT BACK THERE BEHIND THE ONES AND TWOS.

- GIVE IT UP FOR HIM.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THIS SONG IS CALLED,"COMEDY IS EASY,

CANCELING A PORNO WEBSITE MEMBERSHIP IS HARD."

LET'S DO IT! HERE WE GO! OH, GOOD CALL, SCRATCHATORY,

I DON'T THINK THEY'RE READY FOR THAT ONE. THEY'RE NOT READY.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT MYSELF.

I RECENTLY BOUGHT A GOLDFISH. TURNS OUT IT WAS EPILEPTIC.

WEIRD THING IS, AS LONG AS ILEFT IT IN THE TANK IT WAS FINE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE SECOND YOU TOOK IT OUT TO PLAY FETCH,

IT WOULD JUST SEIZER CITY,FLIPPIN' OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE.

WHOO!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT OCD. ANYBODY ELSE, OCD? A FEW PEOPLE PUTTING UP HANDS.

SAME THING FOR ME. EVERYTHING HAS GOTTA BE EVEN.

LIKE, IF I SCRATCH THIS HAND, I GOTTA SCRATCH THIS HAND.

IF I TIE THAT SHOE, I GOTTA TIE THAT SHOE.

IF A CELEBRITY ADOPTS A BABY FROM A FOREIGN COUNTRY,

I'VE GOTTA KIDNAP AN AMERICAN BABY,

FLY IT TO THAT COUNTRY AND DROP IT OFF IN NAMIBIA.

[LAUGHTER]

I SNEEZED EARLIER TODAY.HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY.

TWO SECONDS. BIT-- A LOT OF BANG FOR YOUR BUCK.

SNEEZING. I THINK IF SNEEZING DIDN'T OCCUR IN NATURE,

THEY'D INVENT A DRUGTHAT'D MAKE YOU SNEEZE,

AND IT'D BE ILLEGAL 'CAUSE IT'S FUN.

GUY WHO'D TRY TO SELL IT TO YOU OUT ON THE STREET.

"HEY, CHECK IT OUT.""WHAT IS IT?" "SNEEZE."

"WHAT DOES IT DO?" "NOTHING AT FIRST.

"THEN YOUR HEAD TILTS BACK SLOWLY,

WHIPS FORWARD AT 500 MILES AN HOUR

AND ALL THIS [BLEEP] COMES FLYING OUT OF YOUR FACE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YEAH! OH YEAH!

HERE, TAKE, LIKE, TWO OR THREE IN A ROW.

THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT. COPS'LL BE ON TO YOU THOUGH.

COPS COME UP TO YOUR WINDOW."YOU GUYS BEEN SNEEZING TONIGHT?

"NO. WHAT'S ALL THAT STUFF ALL OVER THE INSIDE OF THE WINDSHIELD?

LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN SNEEZING."

I GET THOSE MISSING PEOPLE CARDS SENT TO MY HOUSE.

I LOOK AT THOSE THINGS. I TRY TO HELP THOSE PEOPLE.

I WANNA HELP THEM, BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE.

BUT I WANT TO HELP THEM.SO I'VE STARTED CREATING

MySpace PAGES FOR THOSE PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I'M INTERESTED IN MEETING PEOPLE WHO CAN FIND ME!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY, SO-- CHECK IT OUT,BIG E TUPAC ARE DEAD.

IT'S SAD. IT IS SAD, BECAUSE THEY HAD, YOU KNOW, YOUNG FANS.

BUT I ALSO FEEL BAD FOR THEIR YOUNG FANS.

BECAUSE YOU'RE A LITTLE KIDAND THEN YOUR FAVORITE MUSICIAN

GETS KILLED. THAT NEVER HAPPENED TO ME.

WHEN I WAS A KIDI WAS INTO KISS.

ANYBODY ELSE INTO KISS? ALL RIGHT.

KISS NEVER GOT KILLED. NO ONE EVER CAME ON THE RADIO:

"THE ROCK GROUP, KISS, HAS BEEN ASSASSINATED.

"AT 3PM TODAY, A GROUP OF RIVAL JEWS DRESSED AS MONSTERS...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"PULLED UP ALONG KISS'S TOUR BUS AND OPENED FIRE.

WE BID A FOND ADIEU TO THE GARGOYLE, THE LOVER, THE SPACEMAN AND THE CAT."

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO ONE MORE. THIS SONG IS ABOUT

Loading...