Nick DiPaolo - Plastic Surgery

  • Season 11 , Ep 4
  • 01/18/2007
  • Views: 4,197

People should get plastic surgery on their necks, too. (2:52)

I ACTUALLY SAW A HOMELESS WOMAN WITH NICE TITS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SEE A HOMELESS WOMAN WITH NICE TITS.

ONE THING'S FOR SURE. THEY'RE REAL.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANYPEPSI CANS IT WOULD TAKE

TO PAY FOR A TIT JOB, FOLKS? COME ON, FIVE, 6,000.

GIRLS ARE NATURALLY PRETTY IN NEW YORK.

IT'S NOT LIKE LOS ANGELES.I WAS OUT THERE A FEW WEEKS AGO.

EVERYBODY'S DOING BOTOX. IF YOU'RE AN OLDER PERSON

AND YOU'RE GONNA DO BOTOX ON YOUR FACE,

DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE SKIN ON YOUR NECK.

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE PEOPLE ON TV?

THEIR SKIN ON THEIR FACE IS SO TIGHT LOOKS LIKE THEY PULLED

- A CONDOM OVER A PUMPKIN. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT THEIR NECK'S GOT MORE WRINKLES THAN A SHARPEI'S BALLS

DIPPED IN ICE WATER. IT'S LIKE--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU SPENDTEN GRAND ON YOUR FACE,WHY DON'T YOU SPEND

15 BUCKS ON A [BLEEP] TURTLENECK?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW?

YOU GOT THE FOREHEAD OF A 10 YEAR-OLD GIRL

AND THE NECK OF A SNAPPING TURTLE.

[LAUGHTER]

THEIR FACE DOESN'T MATCHTHEIR NECK, YOU KNOW?

IF YOU ASK SOMEBODY TO GUESS YOUR AGE

AND THEIR FIRST GUESS IS 21 AND THEIR SECOND GUESS IS 78--

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT BOTOX IS?IT'S A FORM OF BOTULISM,WHICH IS FOOD POISONING

YOU CAN GET FROM OLD CANNED GOODS.

[LAUGHTER]

KENNY ROGERS? WHAT, DID HE FALL INTO A FRYER LATER FIRST?

JESUS, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GUY? HIS SKIN IS SO TIGHT

WHEN HE'S SINGING, WHEN HE OPENS HIS LOWER JAW

HIS BALLS ARE CRAWLING UP HIS CHEST.

- IT'S LIKE-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE IN SUCH A HURRY TO GET PLASTIC SURGERY NOW,

WE DON'T EVEN CHECK OUT THE DOCTOR'S CREDENTIALS.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GUY IN QUEENS LAST YEAR

DOING PLASTIC SURGERY OUT OF HIS HOUSE AS A HOBBY? HE WASN'T EVEN A DOCTOR.

HE'S JUST [BLEEP] AROUNDFOR A COUPLE WEEKS.

HE DISFIGURED LIKE TEN PEOPLE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY DESERVE IT.

HOW STUPID ARE-- THIS GUY'S WORKING OUT OF HIS HOUSE.

THAT SHOULD BE A RED FLAG RIGHT THERE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF YOU RANG YOUR DOCTOR'S DOORBELL AND YOU HEAR

- A BUNCH OF DOGS BARKING-- - [LAUGHTER]

A PIT BULL LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW WEARING A METS T-SHIRT.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HE'S NOT A REAL DOCTOR AT THAT POINT?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU WAKE UP IN POST-OP. YOU'RE LAYING ON A DIRTY FUTON

ON HIS KITCHEN FLOOR. THERE'S A CAT TAKING A DUMP

IN A BOX NEXT TO YA. THERE'S THREE ILLEGAL ALIENS

LYING ON A RED BEANBAG CHAIR WITH TAPE OVER THEIR EYELIDS.

YOU LOOK AT YOUR I.V. IT'S AN UPSIDE-DOWN

SIERRA MIST BOTTLEHOOKED TO A GARDEN HOSE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S A LOT OF WORDS, FOLKS, I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

[LAUGHTER]

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