Paul Gilmartin - The Truth About Kids

CC Presents: Paul Gilmartin Season 8, Ep 25 05/27/2004 Views: 2,249

Nobody really cares that kids can do somersaults. (3:20)

Paul Gilmartin: SO I DON'T KNOW

IF I HAVE THE PATIENCE TO HAVE

KIDS.

MY WIFE AND I HAVE TALKED ABOUT

IT, BUT I DON'T KNOW.

MY BEST FRIEND HAS FOUR KIDS

UNDER TEN YEARS OLD AND I LOVE

THESE KIDS, BUT I'VE GOT TO BE

HONEST, AFTER AN AFTERNOON OF,

"I CAN DO A SOMERSAULT.

WATCH ME DO A HANDSTAND.

I CAN DO A HANDSTAND.

WATCH ME DO A SOMERSAULT.

I CAN DO A SOMERSAULT.

WATCH ME DO A HANDSTAND.

I CAN DO A SOMERSAULT.

WATCH ME DO A HANDSTAND.

PAUL, PAUL, PAUL.

I CAN DO A SOMERSAULT.

WATCH ME DO A HANDSTAND.

PAUL, PAUL, PAUL.

I CAN DO A SOMERSAULT,"

I JUST WANT TO GO, "YOU KNOW

WHAT?

I CAN DO A [BLEEP] SOMERSAULT!

LOOK!

I'M RUNNING AROUND WITH

SCISSORS!

WOO-HOO!

HEY, I CAN WORK THIS STOVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I CAN DRIVE MY CAR WITH MY KNEE

WHILE I ROLL A JOINT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TELL YOU WHAT I WON'T DO IF I

DO HAVE KIDS.

I WILL NOT GIVE PEOPLE THE

BABY PICTURES TO HAVE TO SIFT

THROUGH.

WHEN YOU HAVE A KID, YOU KNOW

WHAT?

ONE PICTURE'S NICE.

WE CAN SEE IT'S ALIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

WE DON'T NEED TO SEE ITS ASS

FROM 19 DIFFERENT ANGLES WHEN

IT'S A DAY OLD.

BUT NOBODY EVER TELLS YOU THE

TRUTH WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING AT

THEIR BABY PICTURES.

NOBODY EVER GOES, "OH, WOW.

I HOPE BY THE TIME HE GETS TO

HIGH SCHOOL, HIS HEAD TAKES ON

A DIFFERENT SHAPE."

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU'VE GIVEN BIRTH TO COCO

THE PEANUT BOY.

THAT IS STATE FAIR MATERIAL

RIGHT THERE."

[LAUGHTER]

AND SOMEBODY WILL ALWAYS SAY

THIS.

"THE BABY LOOKS JUST LIKE ITS

MOTHER.

OH, THE BABY LOOKS JUST LIKE

ITS FATHER."

I CAN THINK OF LOTS OF ADULTS

WHOSE HEADS ACCOUNT FOR HALF

THEIR TOTAL BODY WEIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

"HOW YOU DOING, CHUCK?

I HAVE A LITTLE TROUBLE KEEPING

MY HEAD UP."

[LAUGHTER]

"GOT A TOOTH COMING IN AND I

TOOK A LOAD IN MY PANTS ON THE

WAY OVER."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

LITTLE KIDS JUST GOT THAT BIG

TED KENNEDY PARADE FLOAT HEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU EVER SEE WHEN THE HEAD

GETS AHEAD OF THE FEET AND THE

FEET CAN'T CATCH UP?

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE A LOCOMOTIVE OUT OF CONTROL

BECAUSE THEY'RE SO LOOSE.

THEY HAVE NO TENSION IN THEIR

BODIES.

YOU EVER SEEN A LITTLE KID WITH

A BACKACHE?

NEVER.

JUST ONCE, I'D LIKE TO SEE ONE

GETTING OFF A TRICYCLE GOING,

"OOH!

WHEW, I'M GONNA PAY FOR THAT

TOMORROW.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, I CAN'T RIDE THAT BIG WHEEL

LIKE I USED TO."

THESE ARE KIDS.

THEY'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY

ABOUT.

"I TOOK A LOAD IN MY PANTS.

YOU'LL GET IT."

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE BACK THERE SWINGING.

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW.

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THEY

[BLEEP] THEIR PANTS.

YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO TELL THEM

YOU [BLEEP] YOUR PANTS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T KNOW.

THE ONLY ONE IN THE ROOM THAT

CAN'T SMELL IT.

YOU'RE SITTING ON TOP OF IT.

YOU'RE AT GROUND ZERO.

EVEN IF I WAS DRINK, I WOULD

KNOW.

THEY DON'T CARE.

I'VE GOT A LOAF IN MY PANTS.

I THINK I'LL MAKE A COUPLE OF

LAPS AROUND THE ROOM.

MAYBE BREAK UP THE DAY BY

VOMITING ON MYSELF.

OH, LOOK, THE CORNER OF A COFFEE

TABLE.

[BOOP!]

[LAUGHTER]

THEN THEY LOOK AT YOU TO SEE

WHETHER OR NOT THEY SHOULD CRY.

GOT A FLY IN THE HAPPY FACE.

THAT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE MY LITTLE BUDDY.

GET A TOWEL.

HE'S GUSHING.

YEAH, YOU'RE MY BUDDY.

HOLD MY HAND.

STAY WITH ME.

STAY WITH ME.