having spent this year watchingwhat's going on
um, my job is anymore.
Everyone in this roomalready has 30 Trump jokes
that are probably betterthan any one that I thought of.
What the fuckdo you need me for?
I should have just come outand gone, "Tada!"
I've always felt that my job
was to be truly crazierthan what I see.
That's what differentiates mefrom other comics,
that I am crazierthan what I see.
The first inkling I had of thiswas when I, um...
I heard Ben Carson speakfor the first time.
When you'relistening to someone,
and as you listen to them,you begin to think,
"Did I take a drug?"
But I believe we have somethingto learn from Ben Carson,
especially those of youwho work in an office.
There's probably a douche bagyou're working with,
your boss is, no doubt,a prick,
and you wanna saysomething to them.
All you have to do,in order to get across
what it is you wanna say,is to speak as Ben Carson does.
And by this...
[SOFTLY] I mean, you speakas softly as you possibly can,
and yet, still be heard,
so that the personlistening to you
must use an inordinateamount of energy
just to hear the wordscoming out of your mouth,
and as you do that,
speak as slowlyas you possibly can,
as if each and every wordwas being formed in your brain
for the very first time.
And be sure that your eyesare two-thirds closed...
...so that you resemble a lizardsunning itself on the rock.
And if you do that,
you can say any batshit thingyou want to anyone,
as Ben Carson didwhen he said...
"It's amateurswho built the ark,
but it was professionalswho built the Titanic."