Kirk Fox - No Kids

  • Season 2 , Ep 5
  • 04/21/2011
  • Views: 19,129

Kirk Fox doesn't want kids because he's afraid he might decapitate them with ceiling fans. (2:08)

I KNOW A LOT OF YOUARE BUMMED OUT,

LIKE, "AH, (bleep) MAN.

I WOULD'VE LIKED TO HAVEHAD A KID WITH THIS GUY."

(laughter)

LONG AS WE DON'T HAVE THREE KIDSAND THERE'S A FIRE.

(laughter)

BUT I DON'T WANT KIDS'CAUSE I'M TALL,

AND MY BACK BUT I JUST ALWAYSFEEL LIKE THE FIRST TIME

I LIFT THE KID,I'LL LIFT HIM

RIGHT INTO A CEILING FANAND DECAPITATE HIM.

(laughter)

I'LL BE LIKE, "HONEY, I TOLD YOUI DIDN'T WANT TO LIFT

"THAT LITTLE (bleep).

"I TOLD YOU TO KEEP HIM LOWWHERE NOTHING'S SPINNING.

"I COULDN'T CHILD-PROOF

A PROPELLER WHENIT WAS SPINNING."

CAN'T PUT RUBBER ON THAT.DOESN'T MATTER.

STILL TAKE THE HEAD OFF.

(laughter)

YOU GOT MORE EGGS.WHIP UP ANOTHER KID OMELET.

(laughter)

HOLD THE ONIONS.LAST ONE CRIED LIKE A BABY.

(laughter)

I GOT A FRIEND, HE'S LIKE,"JUST GET A VASECTOMY, MAN.

"YOU DON'T WANT KIDS?JUST QUITE BITCHIN' ABOUT IT.

"GET A VASECTOMY.SNIP, SNIP.

JUST CUT THE WIRES.NO BIG DEAL."

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BIG DEAL,SNIPPIN'--

SNIPPING' (bleep) WIRES.

(laughter)WHAT IF YOU CUT THE RED ONE

AND MY (bleep)EXPLODES LIKE "HURT LOCKER"?

(laughter)

I'LL BE LIKE, "DOC, MAN,I WONDERED WHY

IT WAS SO QUITE IN HEREAND EVERYONE WAS DRESSED

LIKE THEY WERE TRAININGGERMAN SHEPHERDS.

THEN HE'S LIKE, "NO,WE JUST TIE IT IN A KNOT.

JUST A (bleep) KNOT.NO BIG DEAL."

(laughter)

(bleep) KNOT,THAT STILL SOUNDS

LIKE KIND OF A BIG DEALTO ME.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY SHOELACESI'VE HAD TO CUT

AND THROW SHOES AWAY 'CAUSEI CAN'T GET A KNOT OUT?

NOW I GOTTA WORRY ABOUTA (bleep) KNOT.

WHAT IF I HAVE TO PEE?GOTTA GET THE KNOT OUT.

AND HE'S LIKE, "NO,MAN, IT'S JUST... A KNOT.

DOCTOR TIES A KNOT.WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"

WELL, THE PROBLEM IS WHATIF THE DOCTOR

IS AN AMAZING SAILORAND TIES, LIKE,

THE MOST AMAZING CLOVE HITCH INTHE HISTORY OF (bleep) KNOTS?

THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BEA SLIP KNOT, DOC?

"NO, SAW THIS KNOT. (bleep) IT.TRIED IT. YOU'RE (bleep)."

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