Nick DiPaolo - Coked Up

  • Season 11 , Ep 4
  • 01/18/2007
  • Views: 10,124

Nick remembers when soccer moms weren't ruling the world. (1:31)

I WAS SINGLE IN THE '80s. YOU KNOW, I'M 44 YEARS--

REMEMBER THE '80s, GUYS? REMEMBER WHEN SOCCER MOMS WEREN'T RULING THE WORLD?

WE USED TO BE ABLE TO DRINK AND DO COKE RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN.

NOBODY GAVE A [BLEEP]. YOU REMEMBER THAT?

YOU GO TO A BAR. YOU'D HAVE LIKE 40 DRINKS.

THEN YOU REMEMBER YOU HAD A CAR IN THE PARKING LOT,

SO YOU AND YOUR BUDDY WOULD SPLIT AN 8-BALL IN 6 MINUTES,

- TRY TO SOBER UP. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GET PULLED OVER ANYWAYS. YOU KNOW-- COP'S LIKE,

"SON, COULD YOU WALK A STRAIGHT LINE FOR ME?"

I'M LIKE, "NO, BUT I COULD SNORT ONE FOR YA."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"SON, COULD YOU TOUCH YOUR FINGER TO YOUR NOSE?"

"WELL, I'VE BEEN DOING IT A LOT NIGHT,

"WHAT AM I GONNA STOP NOW FOR? I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.

[SNIFFS] GOT A CHUNK STUCK IN MY RIGHT CAVITY, THANK YOU, SERGEANT."

- [SNIFFS] - [LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE TRYING TO TALK YOUR WAY OUT OF A TICKET,

BUT YOU'RE SO COKED UP,YOUR LIP IS STUCK.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT ARE YOU BUSTIN' MY BALLS FOR?

"I HAD A COUPLE A-- I HAD A COUPLE A DRINKS AT APPLEBEE'S

"AND A COUPLE A CHICKEN FINGERS.

"GET OFF MY BACK, MAN.WHAT THE [BLEEP], I'M FINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?!"

YOU GET HOME, EVEN YOUR CAT'S AFRAID OF YA.

YOU'RE LIKE, "FLUFFY, COME UP-- FLUFFY, GET UP."

CAT'S LIKE,"[RARRR!] HE'S COKED UP.

HE'S GONNA SHAVE MY ASS AGAIN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN YOU CHASE HIM AROUND FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES, RIGHT,

BUT IT FEELS LIKE TWO 'CAUSE YOU'RE, YOU KNOW, ALL COKED UP,

YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE'S 650 OVER 711. AND YOU FINALLY

CATCH THE CAT, YOU'RE SO PISSED

YOU GIVE HIM THE REST OF YOUR COKE, WATCH HIM TEAR UP

A LAMPSHADE IN 30 SECONDS. AND YOU DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP]

'CAUSE YOU JUST REALIZED IT'S NOT YOUR HOUSE, YOU KNOW?

THANKS A LOT, YOU GUYS.YOU GUYS ARE TERRIFIC.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

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