John Heffron - Junk Drawer Scissors

  • Season 8 , Ep 1
  • 01/29/2004
  • Views: 6,574

John's mom cut his hair with the dingleberry scissors. (1:57)

John Heffron: I'M ORIGINALLY

FROM DETROIT, MICHIGAN.

AND I GOT A--

WHEW!

DETROIT.

AND, AH I GOT A CHANCE TO GO

HOME, RIGHT?

AND I SAW MY MOM.

AND I TOLD MY MOM, AT THE TIME

I NEEDED A HAIRCUT.

AND MY MA GOES, "OH, I'LL CUT

YOUR HAIR FOR YOU."

REALLY?

HMM.

I GOT PICTURES WHEN I WAS 11

THAT SAYS YOU CAN'T!

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT ABOUT 500 FIFTH GRADE

PHOTOS I COULDN'T HAND OUT

TO ANYBODY BECAUSE OF YOUR HACK

JOB.

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DO MOMS THINK THEY CAN

CUT HAIR WITH NO HAIRCUTTING

EXPERIENCE WHATSOEVER?

MY MOM DIDN'T USE HAIRCUTTING

SCISSORS.

SHE'D JUST TO THE JUNK DRAWER,

PULL OUT THOSE ORANGE-HANDLE

JUNK DRAWER SCISSORS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SAME SCISSORS USED TO CUT PIZZA

AND CUT THE DOG CRAP OFF THE DOG

WHEN HE GOT MATTED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE'D ALWAYS RUN AROUND

OUR HOUSE.

"MOM'S TRYING TO CUT OUR HAIR

WITH THE DINGLEBERRY SCISSORS

AGAIN!"

[LAUGHTER]

TELL YOU THIS.

I SAW MY DAD.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY DAD IS THIS GUY.

AND IF YOU ARE THIS GUY,

DON'T BE THAT GUY.

HE DOES THIS.

WHILE YOU'RE HAVING A

CONVERSATION WITH HIM, FOR NO

REASON AT ALL HE JUST STARTS

BUSTING OUT INTO A GOLF SWING.

FOR NO--

FIRST OFF, WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT,

I NEVER KNOW WHETHER TO SHUT UP

SO THEY DON'T SHANK IT OR LET

'EM SWING.

AND WHY IS GOLF THE ONLY SPORT

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO PRETEND TO

PLAY WHILE YOU'RE HAVING A

CONVERSATION?

AND YOU'RE NOT LOOKED AT LIKE

YOU'RE A NUT JOB.

RIGHT?

ANY OTHER SPORT YOU'D BE A

FREAK.

IF YOU JUST BUSTED OUT,

"HEY, BOB.

WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?

HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A LONG

TIME."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"HANG OUT A LITTLE BIT.

YEAH.

THAT'LL BE GOOD.

YEAH.

SHOULD COME BY THE HOUSE--"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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