Chad Daniels - Birth

  • Season 12, Ep 18
  • 01/11/2008
  • Views: 14,791

This is a new shirt. Somebody told me we were taking pictures today. (2:13)

AND WE GOT HOOKED UPWITH THIS HIPPIE COUPLE,

AND THEY WERE REALLY WEIRD.

LIKE, "YOU ALREADY KNOW WHATYOU'RE GONNA NAME YOUR BABY?

"THAT IS SO '90s.IT'S THE 21st CENTURY.

"WE'RE GONNA LET THE BABYCOME OUT OF MY WIFE'S VAGINA

AND LET IT INSPIRE USINTO NAMING IT."

"OH, REALLY?

"ENJOY RAISING A BABY NAMED'STINKY PURPLY WRINKLY CRAPPY.'

"THOSE ARE THE FIRST FOUR WORDSYOU'RE GONNA BE INSPIRED WITH

WHEN YOU SEETHAT LITTLE BALL OF PUS."

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A NEWBORN?THEY'RE SO GROSS.

"MR. DANIELS, WOULD YOU LIKETO HOLD YOUR DAUGHTER?"

"WELL, WASH HER OFF FIRSTAND I WILL.

"THIS IS A NEW SHIRT.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME WE WERETAKING PICTURES TODAY."

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]

I'M A STRICT DAD.

I WON'T LET MY SON USE GUTTERBUMPERS AT THE BOWLING ALLEY.

PEOPLE ASK ME, WHY NOT?

I ALREADY TOLD YOU,HE'S 8, REMEMBER?

"THROW THE BALL STRAIGHT,JACKASS."

HOW HARD COULD THAT POSSIBLY BE?

PARENTS ARE SUCH LUNATICSABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

"WHAT IF HE DOESN'T GETA STRIKE?!"

WELL, THEN MOVE HIM OVERA LITTLE BIT AND TRY IT AGAIN.

HOW HARD IS THAT?

I WAS AT A BOWLING ALLEY ONETIME, THIS KID CAME UP TO ME,

USING GUTTER BUMPERS,"HEY, MISTER, I GOT A STRIKE!"

NO, YOU DIDN'T,YOU LITTLE WINDOW LICKER.

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]

IT BOUNCED FIVE TIMESBEFORE YOU EVEN HIT A PIN.

YOU'D BE IN THE MIDDLE OF THETHIRD FRAME WITH ZERO RIGHT NOW

IF YOU WEREN'T CHEATING.

NOW GO GET YOUR DAD SO I CANKICK HIM IN HIS [BLEEP]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I COACHED MY SON'S T-BALL TEAMTHIS SUMMER.

I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE LIKE,"OH, THAT'S SAD."

DON'T COVER YOUR LAUGH.THAT'S OKAY.

EVERYTHING I SAY TONIGHT'SSUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY,

SO IF THEY'RE NOT LAUGHING, YOU'RE RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PARENTS LOSE THEIR MINDAT T-BALL.

"EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU THE COACH?CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

HOW COME MY BOYISN'T THE PITCHER?"

"'CAUSE IT'S T-BALL.

"I'D BE HAPPY TO PUT THE BALLON HIS HEAD

"AND LET THE OTHER KIDS SWINGAT IT IF YOU LIKE,

ESPECIALLY COMING IN HEREWITH THAT CRAPPY ATTITUDE."

THE BEST PLAY I EVER SAW,

LITTLE GIRL DOVE FOR A BALL,CAUGHT IT IN MIDAIR.

HER DAD DIDN'T EVEN SAY,"NICE PLAY,"

JUST GOES, "GET UP AND TAG HIM!GET UP AND TAG HIM!"

SHE DROPPED THE BALLAND THE GLOVE, RUNS OVER,

AND GOES, "YOU'RE IT,"THEN RUNS BACK.

YEAH.

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