Texts From Last Night - Does Anyone Know Where I Am?

  • Season 1 , Ep 01007
  • 01/15/2014
  • Views: 933

Chris asks the panel to respond to embarrassing drunk text messages. (2:14)

"TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

PARTIERS BEWARE!

TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT IS A WEB

SITE THAT SHOWCASES EMBARRASSING

DRUNK TEXTS BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS

TO DO THE LORD'S WORK!

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL READ YOU GUYS TEXTS FROM

LAST NIGHT AND YOU HAVE TO

RESPOND TO THE TEXT.

IF YOU MAKE MYSELF OR THE

AUDIENCE EVEN SNICKER OR GUFFAW

OR PERHAPS UTTER A GIGGLE

INVOLUNTARILY, I WILL GIVE YOU

250 POINTS.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE:

HOW DO I CANCEL BUYING SPOTIFY

PREMIUM FOR TWO HOMELESS PEOPLE?

RON FUNCHES?

>> DON'T.

(LAUGHTER)

INSTEAD, USE THOSE HOMELESS

PEOPLE TO RECREATE CLASSIC MUSIC

VIDEOS.

DOLLAR SIGN, DOLLAR SIGN,

DOLLAR SIGN.

(APPLAUSE)

POINTS!

WHAT VIDEO WOULD YOU RECREATE?

>> OH, "BEAT IT," MOST LIKELY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

I FEEL LIKE (BLEEP)

AND I CAN'T GET THE BAND AIDS

OFF MY NIPPLES.

YES, RON FUNCHES?

>> LOOK, IF YOU JUST WANT

TO QUIT MY INTERPRETIVE DANCE

GROUP, JUST SAY SO.

>> Chris: POINTS!

HERE'S THE NEXT ONE.

THIS IS A MASS TEXT.

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I AM?

NIKKI GLASER?

>> THE FRONT YARD, MOM,

COME IN FOR BRUNCH.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: BRUNCH.

SHE HAD AN ALL-NIGHTER.

POINTS, POINTS, NIKKI GLASER.

NEXT ONE.

IT'S GOTTEN TO THE POINT THAT

WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES TO (BLEEP),

ALL I SEE IS CANDY CRUSH.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

YOU HAVE TO BE DRUNK FOR THAT TO

HAPPEN?

RON FUNCHES?

>> HAPPY FACE, ME TOO!

JELLY BEAN EMOJI, PENIS EMOJI,

VAGINA EMOJI, JELLY BEAN EMOJI,

FOUNTAIN EXPLODING EMOJI.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THERE'S A VAGINA EMOJI?

>> Chris: I NEED THIS EMOJI

PACKAGE YOU HAVE THAT HAS THE

GENITALS.

>> TO BE FAIR, IT'S JUST

A PICTURE OF MY ACTUAL PENIS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHAT WERE YOU GOING

TO SAY, NEAL?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT'S A FUNNY

EMOJI, THAT POOP.

>> Chris: THE POOP IS GREAT.

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