Mike Vecchione - Dumb Feelings

  • Season 15 , Ep 12
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 3,645

Men and women's differences outside the bedroom are reflected inside the bedroom. (2:13)

How do you judge us?

We judge you ona scale one to ten.

It's very easy--How do you judge us?

It's all kinds ofdifferent factors.

Is it an equation--What is it?

Is it penis sizedivided by credit score?

'Cause that just soundslike it would make sense.

I'm not sayingthat's it.

I think it'show we dress.

I usually weara shirt and tie,

'cause a tie isa phallic symbol.

You ladiesdon't know that.

We wear them tohypnotize you

into havingintercourse with us.

Yeah, think about it.

The knot islike the testes,

and the tie is likea flaccid penis.

So, any time I'm dressed up,and I'm talkin' to a woman,

I just startstroking my tie.

I'm like, "Yeah, baby--you know what this is."

[audience laughing]

That's why I willnot wear a bow tie.

That's like admittingyou have a small penis.

You can't evenstroke a bow tie.

You just have to adjust itand hope for the best,

which is what you haveto do with a small penis,

or so I've read--I don't have one.

I don't have one,so I don't know.

Men and womenare different.

Men and womenare different.

That's what I'm saying.

Men-- Our differencesoutside the bedroom

reflect our differencesinside the bedroom.

For example, when my girlgives me a [deleted] job,

it's like she's trying topull the emotions out of me.

"I want to talk toyou about your day.

"Tell me moreabout your day."

We penetrate you ladies--It's the opposite.

It's like we're tryingto shove your emotions

back insideof you, right?

It's like, "I don'twanna hear about

"your dumbfeelings, okay?

"Keep 'em stored insideof your ovary sacs."

[audience laughing]

I read a lot of"Cosmo" to find out

what you ladiesare up to.

You love to talkabout your orgasms.

It says, at the beginningof every article,

"In order to achievean orgasm--" I stop there.

I stop, 'cause my problemis not achieving an orgasm.

My problem is gettinga woman in the room with me

to witnessmy achievements.

You ladies are awesome,'cause you could have

the multiple orgasm--That's hot.

Guys, not so much.

The closest we get isif we sneeze and climax

at the same time,which is awkward,

'cause you don't knowwhat fluid went where.

It's like, "look, you bettergo to the clinic tomorrow.

"Get the morning afterpill and a flu shot."

[ audience laughing]

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