Rick Cleveland - Beach

Season 1 , Ep 0101 02/07/08 Views: 145

After Rick Cleveland's house is cleared by the Secret Service, he takes a memorable trip to the beach with Bill Clinton and their dogs. (4:35)

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AS SPECIAL AGENT DIETRICHFROM THE LOS ANGELES OFFICE

OF THE UNITED STATESSECRET SERVICE.

HE ASKS ME FORMY SOCIAL SECURITY ANDDRIVER'S LICENSE NUMBERS

SO THEY CAN RUN A ROUTINESECURITY CLEARANCE ON ME.

AND THEN HE TELLS ME THEYALREADY HAVE SPECIFIC DIRECTIONS

TO BOTH OUR HOUSEAND THE STRETCH OF BEACH

I WOULD BE TAKINGTHE PRESIDENT AND HIS DOG TO.

INCLUDING CURRENTSATELLITE PHOTOS

- OF BOTH LOCATIONS.- [LAUGHTER]

THE NEXT DAY,THREE JET BLACK CHEVY SUBURBANS

FULL OF SECRET SERVICE AGENTSCOME TO OUR HOUSE,

THERE MUST BE 12 OF THEM,SURVEY EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.

THE YARD, UNDERNEATH THE DECK,THE FIELD ACROSS THE ROAD,

AND EVERY BATHROOM AND CLOSETIN EVERY ROOM OF THE HOUSE,

INCLUDING THE ATTIC.AROUND NOON ON THURSDAY,

THE PRESIDENT'S MOTORCADEPULLS UP OUR DRIVEWAY.

THE PRESIDENTKNOCKS ON OUR FRONT DOORAND I INTRODUCE HIM

TO MY WIFE, MARY,AND OUR THREE KIDS.

MARY ASKS HIM IFSHE CAN TAKE HIS PICTURE.

AND HE HANDS HER CAMERA TOONE OF THE SECRET SERVICE GUYS.

JUST BEFOREHE TAKES OUR PICTURE,

THE PRESIDENTPUTS HIS ARM AROUND MARY,

WHO'S HOLDING OUR SON, GUS.THAT PICTURE IS NOW

STUCK TO OUR REFRIGERATORWITH A SPIDERMAN MAGNET.

[LAUGHTER]

THE PRESIDENT AND I SIT IN ONEOF THE LIMOS FACING FORWARD.

SPECIAL AGENT DIETRICHSITS ACROSS FROM US

NEXT TO ANOTHERSECRET SERVICE AGENT,SPECIAL AGENT POGUE,

AND THEY'RE BOTHWEARING SUNGLASSES.

SHERLOCK AND BUDDYSIT ON EITHER SIDE OF THEM

WITH THEIR NOSESSTICKING OUT THE WINDOWS.

I GET THE FEELINGTHAT SPECIAL AGENT POGUE

DOESN'T LIKE HAVINGTHE WINDOWS OPEN,

BUT THE PRESIDENT CLEARLY WANTSTHE DOGS TO ENJOY THE RIDE.

AT ONE POINT HE SAYS, "I DON'TLIKE TRAVELING THIS WAY.

"BELIEVE ME, I FIND ALL THESESO-CALLED PRECAUTIONS

"TO BE A PAIN IN THE ASS.IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS

"I'LL LOOK FORWARD TOWHEN THIS TERM IS OVER.

"HELL, SOMEDAY,IT'S JUST GONNA BE ME AND BUDDYIN A PICKUP TRUCK."

- I ASKED, "WHAT ABOUT HILLARY?"- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"HILLARY?HILLARY HATES PICKUP TRUCKS."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WE GET TO THE BEACHABOUT 20 MINUTES LATER,

AND BY THE TIMEOUR MOTORCADE PULLS IN,

THERE ARE A HANDFUL OF PEOPLEWAITING TO SEE THE PRESIDENT.

BUT SHERLOCK AND BUDDYARE ALREADY HALFWAY ACROSSTHE SAND TO THE WATER.

I DON'T KNOW IF BUDDY'SEVER BEEN IN THE OCEAN BEFORE

BUT SHERLOCK HAS,AND THAT'S WHERE HE'S HEADED.

SWIMMING FOR SHERLOCKIS LIKE CRACK COCAINE

FOR PEOPLE WHO REALLY,REALLY LIKE CRACK COCAINE.

HE'LL SWIM FOR HOURS ON END.

AND WHEN YOU FINALLYCOAX HIM OUT OF THE WATER,

HE'LL DROP WHATEVER IT ISHE'S BEEN FETCHING,

A TENNIS BALLOR A STICK OR A FRISBEE,

AND THEN HE'LLWHINE AND BARK AND WOOF

AND HIS LEGS WILL SHAKELIKE HE HAS PALSY.

SO SHERLOCK HITS THE WATER,GETS SWAMPED BY A ROLLING WAVE,

THEN PUSHES PAST THE BREAKERSAND JUST STARTS SWIMMING

IN TIGHT BEAUTIFUL CIRCLES,WAITING FOR WHATEVER IT IS

HE'S SUPPOSED TO FETCH.AND IT'S THEN I REALIZED

THAT I'D FORGOTTEN TO BRINGA TENNIS BALL OR A FRISBEE.

AND LOOKING AROUND,I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND

A SUITABLE PIECE OF DRIFTWOOD.SO FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES,

ME, THE PRESIDENT, AND HISENTIRE SECRET SERVICE DETAIL,

COMB THE BEACHLOOKING FOR A STICK.

[LAUGHTER]

FINALLY, ONE OF THEM FINDSA SAND-CRUSTED TENNIS BALL.

HE TOSSES IT TO ME. AND BYTHE TIME I'M READY TO THROW IT,

SHERLOCK IS ALREADYOUT OF THE WATER AND STARINGAT THE BALL IN MY HAND

- LIKE IT'S A LOADED CRACK PIPE.- [LAUGHTER]

I THROW IT HARDAND SHERLOCK DIVES IN AFTER IT.

HE SWIMS OUT, GRABS THE BALL,SWIMS BACK,

AND DROPS THE NOWSOGGY TENNIS BALL AT MY FEET.

I TOSS THE BALLTO THE PRESIDENT. HE THROWS IT

AND SHERLOCK DIVES IN AFTER IT.THIS TIME WHEN HE COMES OUT,

HE DROPS THE BALLAT THE PRESIDENT'S FEET.

BY THEN, HE'S TAKENHIS SHOES AND SOCKS OFF

AND SPECIAL AGENT POGUE, DAVE,IS HOLDING THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

THE PRESIDENT THROWS THE BALLA GOOD EIGHT OR NINE TIMES.

AND EVERY TIME SHERLOCKDROPS THE BALL AT HIS FEET,

HE LAUGHS. "GODDAMN, I WISHBUDDY KNEW HOW TO DO THIS."

[LAUGHTER]

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