Doug Benson - Travel Tips

Jordan Brady & Doug Benson Season 1, Ep 0147 02/24/1992 Views: 529

If you have a dollar, you can take a tour of the Hoover Dam. (3:19)

I WENT TO BUCKINGHAM PALACE

BECAUSE YOU CANMESS WITH THE GUARDS.

THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVEOR TALK OR DO ANYTHING.

YOU CAN GET IN THEIR FACEAND MESS WITH THEM.

♪ OOH, THE QUEEN HASA HAIRY BACK! ♪

THIS ENGLISH WOMANWAS STANDING THERE

AND SHE SAYS, "YOU CAN TWEAKHIS NOSE IF YOU'D LIKE.

YEAH, GO AHEAD, YANK HIS WILLY,PINCH HIS BUM, GO FOR IT."

AND I'M THINKING,"UHHH... OKAY!"

IN RETROSPECT, I REALIZEDSHE WAS PROBABLY WITH

BRITAIN'S "FUNNIEST HIDDENVIDEO CAMERA SQUIRREL HUNT HOUR"

BUT I WANTED TO BE A GOOD SPORT

SO I SORT OF REACHED OUTAND GAVE HIM A LITTLE...

AND I GOT TO TELL YOU GUYS

NOTHING CLEARS UPJET LAG QUICKER

THAN THE CRACK OF A GUN BUTTAGAINST YOUR SKULL.

BRINGS YOU RIGHT AROUND.

HERE'S ANOTHER TRAVEL TIP...

( laughter )

IF YOU EVER GO TO LAS VEGAS,AND YOU WILL

JUST GO FOR A FEW DAYS.

I WAS THERE RECENTLY FOR SEVENDAYS-- SEVEN DAYS IN VEGAS.

AFTER I BLEW ALL OF MY MONEYON GAMBLING AND PROSTITUTION...

( laughter )

I HAD SIX DAYS TO KILL.

( laughter )

SO WHAT I DID WAS...

LET'S PUT THIS HEREAT THE TOP OF THE A...

IF YOU HAVE A DOLLAR, YOU CANTAKE THE TOUR AT THE HOOVER DAM

WHICH IS, LIKE, THE MOSTBORING EXPERIENCE IMAGINABLE

AND YET IT ONLY COSTS A DOLLAR,SO I WAS ALL OVER IT.

THE TOUR GUIDE WASA CLOSET COMEDIAN.

YOU COULD TELL THAT HE WANTEDTO GET INTO SHOW BUSINESS

BUT HE WAS STARTING OUTAT THE HOOVER DAM LEVEL

WHICH IS A NOTCH BELOW

THE JUNGLE CRUISEGUIDE AT DISNEYLAND.

HE KEPT SLIPPING IN JOKESAS HE WENT ALONG

AND I'D LIKE TO TRYAND RECREATE THAT FOR YOU NOW.

( tinny voice ):ONE OF THE WORLD'S LARGESTHYDROELECTRIC FACILITIES

HOOVER DAM, WAS DEDICATED

BY PRESIDENT FRANKLIN DELANOROOSEVELT ON SEPTEMBER 30, 1935.

THIS GRASSHOPPER WALKSINTO A BAR.

THE BARTENDER SAYS, "YOU KNOW,WE GOT A DRINK NAMED AFTER YOU."

AND THE GRASSHOPPER SAYS

"YOU'VE GOTA DRINK NAMED STEVE?"

MORE THAN 26 MILLION VISITORSHAVE TOURED THE FACILITY

SINCE WE BEGAN GIVING TOURSBACK IN 1937... KNOCK, KNOCK.

( laughter )

KNOCK, KNOCK.

Audience:WHO'S THERE?

HOOVER!

HOOVER WHO?

HOOVER DAM COST APPROXIMATELY$175 MILLION TO BUILD.

THESE TWO MEN AREWALKING DOWN THE STREET

WHEN THEY SEEA DOG LICKING HIMSELF.

ONE OF THE MEN SAYS,"I WISH I COULD DO THAT."

THE OTHER ONE SAYS, "MAYBEYOU SHOULD PET HIM FIRST."

( laughter )

HEY, IF YOU FEELLIKE HAVING A TASTY SNACK

WHILE YOU'RE HERE TODAY

BE SURE AND STOP BYTHE SNACKETERIA.

TODAY'S SPECIAL:THE DAM POTATOES.

KNOCK, KNOCK.

WHO'S THERE?

THIRTY-SEVEN.

37 WHO?

37 MEN WERE KILLED DURINGTHE CONSTRUCTION OF HOOVER DAM

A PROJECT THAT TOOKFOUR GRUELING YEARS TO COMPLETE.

THIS MAN WALKS INTO AN ELEVATOR.

A WOMAN SAYS TO HIM,"CAN I SMELL YOUR BALLS?"

HE SAYS, "NO, YOU CANNOT."

SHE SAYS,"IT MUST BE YOUR FEET."