Jeff Cesario - Sporting Events

  • Season 9 , Ep 8
  • 03/24/2005
  • Views: 3,617

Jeff feels badly for male figure skaters. (2:00)

I FEEL BAD FOR MALE FIGURE

SKATERS.

I'M FROM WISCONSIN.

I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO SKATE,

LET ALONE FIGURE SKATE.

MAN, THEY GOTTA BE INCREDIBLE

ATHLETES.

I FEEL BAD FOR 'EM 'CAUSE

THEN THEY GO TO THE OLYMPICS AND

YOU KNOW, FOR THE PAIRS FIGURE

SKATING THEY SEND THE GAY GUY

OUT THERE WITH A GIRL.

WHAT COUNTRY'S GONNA HAVE

THE STONES TO SEND TWO GAY GUYS

OUT THERE FOR THE PAIRS FIGURE

SKATING?

[LAUGHTER]

LEAST YOU'D SEE SOME PASSION

FOR PETE'S SAKE.

RIGHT NOW THE GUYS' JUST

THROWING SOME CHICK IN THE AIR

THINKING, "GOD, I WISH THIS WAS

CARL.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, HONEY I COULD LET GO OF YOU

SO QUICKLY.

YOU LITTLE ATTENTION GETTING

BITCH.

BYE, BYE, BRONZE MEDAL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WISCONSIN'S THE ONLY PLACE

I'VE EVER BEEN WHEN I'VE SEEN

A WOMAN OUT HECKLE A GUY AT A

HOCKEY GAME.

GUY'S JUST STANDING THERE

POUNDING THE PLEXIGLAS.

"HEY, YOU SUCK.

HEY, HEY, CHECK HIM INTO THE

BOARDS.

YOU SUCK."

LIKE THREE PERIODS OF THAT,

SUDDENLY THE WOMAN NEXT TO US

JUST STANDS UP AND GOES,

"CUT HIM WITH YOUR SKATE!

TAKE OFF YOUR SKATE AND

CUT HIM!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WATCH GOLF ON TV.

I LOVE WATCHING GOLF ON TV.

LOVE WATCHING TIGER WOODS.

ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S DOWN

SOUTH, WINNING TOURNAMENT'S

DOWN SOUTH.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW HE'S GOTTA BE

DRIVING THOSE SOUTHERN COUNTRY

CLUB DUDES WHO RUN THE

TOURNAMENTS, THEY GOTTA BE

DRIVING HIM OUT OF HIS MIND,

TIGER WINNING THAT.

THEY GOTTA HAND A BLACK MAN

A MILLION DOLLARS EVERY SUNDAY.

IT'S GOTTA BE EATING THE CRAP

OUT OF THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I WATCH GOLF ON TV.

I WANT TO BE THERE WHEN ONE OF

THESE GUYS SNAPS.

[LAUGHTER]

LOSES IT.

SAYS THE WRONG THING AT THE

WRONG TIME.

THE SUBCONSCIOUS JUST TAKES

OVER AND HE CAN'T HELP HIMSELF.

WELL, THAT'S YOUR 17th WIN

IN A ROW [BLEEP]-- TIGGER--

TIGER.

OH, GOD!

[SOUND OF GUNSHOT]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAVE THAT ON TEVO.

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