Rondell Sheridan - Unconscious in a Bed

Lounge Lizards: Rondell Sheridan Season 1, Ep 0102 07/17/2002 Views: 1,972

People snore in different ways. (3:40)

>> That's it, man.

Relationships, you've got to be

bonded together.

You've got to be together to

learn about each other, man.

Because I have theory.

I have a perfect theory about

it.

I don't think you get to know

someone, I don't think you

really and truly get to know

someone until you sleep with

them.

And I'm not talking about sex.

I'm talking about being

unconscious in a bed with

someone.

Right now all the married

couples are going, "That's the

same thing, isn't it?"

( laughter )

See, the women like that joke.

The guys get real quiet.

It's true, though, when you get

older, the sex drive is still

there, it's just not the same.

Your woman could be in front of

you naked doing the hula, and

you're thinking, "Move your

butt, I can't see the

television.

And put some clothes on!

It's nighttime!"

( laughter )

It's true, though, you sleep

with somebody, you can't hide

the way you are.

You're unconscious.

You sleep with someone, you find

out they're a bed hog.

You know what a bed hog is.

That's when you sleep in a king-

sized bed, but for some reason

there's only this much room on

the bed for you.

For some reason the other

person's butt just keeps

expanding while they're

sleeping.

The dog is looking at you going,

"Come on down here, man, come

on.

It's cooler down here.

The big butt can't get you."

( laughter )

People talk in their sleep.

Man, that sucks, right?

You're about ready to get in

bed, take your bathrobe off,

slip underneath the blankets,

you hear, "Feed the cat."

You put your bathrobe back on,

you're halfway down the stairs

before you realize you don't

even own a cat.

( laughter )

People snore.

Man, that sucks.

Some people snore like they eat.

You know what I'm talking about?

Some people are like,

( imitating snoring )

You're lifting the blanket,

"What do you got, a ham in

there?

You've got snacks in there.

Get it out of there."

Some people snore, they just

inhale, they never exhale.

You ever lay next to somebody 20

minutes, just ( imitating

snoring with continuous

inhale )

You're lifting the blanket,

"What do you got, a lawnmower in

there?

You've got power tools in there.

Get it out of there."

You ever snore so loud you wake

yourself up?

That's just plain stupid, isn't

it?

You fell asleep on the couch

watching TV, ( imitating

snoring )

And you always have that

surprised look on your face,

because you can't figure out

where the hell that noise came

from.

( laughter )

You're laying frightened on your

couch, "There's somebody in the

house."

You ever almost asleep and you

get that sleep shake jerk

maneuver going?

What the hell is that all about?

Your eyes are almost closed,

your brain's almost shut down,

but apparently an arm or a leg

still has business left to do.

And they neglected to inform you

they will be working while

you're sleeping.

( laughter )

You ever wake up in the middle

of the night, and you roll over

and you look at your mate, and

the moonlight catches them just

right and you just want to

gingerly reach over and smack

the crap out of them?

They didn't do anything wrong.

You just want to flick them in

the nose and then pretend like

you're sleeping and roll over.

Some of you have been together

so long you don't even roll back

over.

You stare them right in the

face.

"Yeah, I slapped you, you

bastard.

Tell me my potato salad was

lumpy!"