Leo Allen - No Porn Rule

  • Season 3 , Ep 3
  • 08/03/2012
  • Views: 22,632

Leo Allen demonstrates how he knows that he shouldn't do whatever he's about to do. (2:58)

SO I'M PRETTY EXCITED.

I GOT A NEW COMPUTER,

I GOT A NEW COMPUTERAND THAT'S--THAT'S GREAT.

IT HAD BEEN A LONG TIMESINCE I GOT A NEW COMPUTER,

LIKE, A REALLY LONG TIME.

SO IT WAS NICE TO BE ABLETO THROW THOSE PUNCH CARDS AWAY

AND TO HAVETHAT GIANT ROOM FREE AGAIN,

NOT TO HAVE TO WEARTHAT LAB CODE.

IT'S JUST MORE CONVENIENTIN GENERAL.

SO WHEN I GOT THE NEW COMPUTER--

'CAUSE WHEN YOU GETA NEW COMPUTER,

IT'S DAUNTINGBECAUSE IT'S LIKE A NEW BRAIN.

SO, I SAID, "OKAY,THIS IS GONNA BE MY RULE

FOR THE NEW COMPUTER.

NO PORN.

NO PORN.

IT'S A NEW STARTFOR YOU, LEO."

AND THAT LASTED ABOUT 37 HOURS

BECAUSE THE PROBLEM IS SOMETIMESI'M ALONE WITH MY COMPUTER,

AND I THINK IT'S TOO--IT'STOO EASY

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

IT'S TOO EASY TO--NOT TO EXAGGERATE

BUT TO LOSE SEVEN TO TEN HOURSA DAY LOOKING AT PORN.

AT FIRST, YOU DELUDE YOURSELF.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, I'MNOT DOING ANYTHING.

I'M JUST CLOSING THE BLINDS,

AND IT'S NORMAL FOR METO TURN OFF MY CELL PHONE

AND TAKE OUT THE BATTERY,

AND I'LL JUST PUT THIS FLANNELSHIRT OVER THIS CHAIR.

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW--

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW,AS A SIDEBAR.

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOWTHAT YOU SHOULDN'T DO

WHATEVER YOU'REABOUT TO DO.

IF YOU EVER FIND YOURSELFGRABBING YOUR DOG BY THE COLLAR

AND TAKING IT OUT OF THE ROOM.

HOLY (bleep),

DON'T DO WHATEVER ITIS YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO.

IF YOU'RE LIKE,"ALL RIGHT, BUDDY,

THIS WILL MESS UPTHE PET/OWNER RELATIONSHIP.

I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVETHE FACILITY FOR SPEECH,

BUT I CAN'TTAKE THE RISK.

YOU MIGHT PISS OFF A WIZARDONE DAY, I DON'T KNOW."

DON'T DOWHAT YOU'RE NOT TO DO.

IT'S TOO EASY.

IT'S TOO EASY TO LOOKAT PORN NOW

BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET.

LIKE, WHEN I WAS KIDIT'S WAS HUGE ACHIEVEMENT.

LIKE, JUST TO SEEA NAKED LADY WAS HUGE.

LIKE, YOU HAD TO KNOW A GUYWHO HAD AN OLDER BROTHER,

WHO HAD, LIKE,BURIED A "PLAYBOY"

FROM 1968 IN A MILK CAN,IN A FIELD.

YOU HADTO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT,

BUT NOW BECAUSE OF THE INTERNETANYONE WHO'S, LIKE, NINE

HAS SEEN LIKE 80 PEOPLE(bleep) ALL OVER EACH OTHER,

WHICH IS TERRIBLE.

I THINK IT'S TERRIBLE.

I DIDN'T SEE THAT TILLI WAS, LIKE, IN MY '30s.

FIRST, I GOT A CELL PHONE,

THEN I SAW THAT JUSTAS GOD INTENDED IT TO HAPPEN.

IT IS UNBELIEVABLE TO ME

WHEN I THINK ABOUTMY GENERATION,

THE FIRST TIMEWE MASTURBATED,

WE LITERALLY DID NOT KNOWWHAT WE'RE MASTURBATING ABOUT.

ISN'T THAT CRAZY,BUT WE STILL DID IT.

WE WERE MASTURBATINGABOUT AN IDEA.

WE WERE POETS.

(laughter, cheers and applause)

Loading...