Greg Fitzsimmons - Clone Fat People

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 12/28/1998
  • Views: 3,277

We shouldn't clone everybody. (3:31)

IS THEY'RE GOING TO STARTCLONING PEOPLE.

THAT'S JUST WHAT WE NEED.

THEY SAY IT'S GOODBECAUSE PEOPLE NEED

LIKE, BONE MARROW TRANSPLANTS.

SO, ESSENTIALLY, WE'LL ALL HAVE

LIKE, THIS CLONED SELFAFTER A WHILE.

JUST A GUYFOR WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF STUFF.

THEY JUST FOLLOW YOU AROUND.

THEY'LL BE MISSING A THUMB,TEETH, CLUMPS OF HAIR.

( groaning )

( laughter )

WE'RE NOT GOINGTO CLONE EVERYBODY.

LOOK AT LOS ANGELES.

ONLY THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLEWILL BE CLONED--

LIKE THE SKINNY,BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE--

AND THEN IT'LL GETTEN DEGREES COLDER

IN OUR ATMOSPHEREAND WE'LL DIE.

'CAUSE SKINNY PEOPLEIN THE COLD...

LIKE YOU EVER SEEA SKINNY GUY, COLD DAY?

THEY TREMBLE LIKE CHIHUAHUAS.

THEN YOU SEE A FAT GUYIN A TANK TOP, NINE DEGREES

HE'S SWEATING.

( laughter )

LOOK AT TITANIC.

REMEMBER, THE BOAT GOESINTO THE ICY COLD WATERS.

LITTLE SKINNY LEONARDO-- DEAD.

FINAL SCENE: KATHY BATESON A ROWBOAT, COAT OPEN

EATING A HOT DOG.

( applause )

WE'VE GOT TO CLONETHE FAT PEOPLE... AND BALD GUYS

'CAUSE SOMEBODY HAS TO HAVE SEXWITH THE FAT WOMEN.

BALD GUYS...

( audience booing )

DON'T START.

( laughter )

I CALLED MY GRANDMOTHERYESTERDAY.

WHERE'D THAT COME FROM?

SHE PICKS UP THE PHONE--

"OH, HELLO, DEAR.

"HOLD ON A SECOND.

"I JUST STEPPED OUTOF THE SHOWER.

LET ME GO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON."

I SAID, "HEY, GRANDMA

"DON'T EVER TELL MEYOU'RE NAKED AGAIN.

"GO PUT A LOT OF CLOTHES ON.

"GO PUT SOME MORE CLOTHES ON.

"I'M GOING TO SIT HERE AND DRINK

"AND TRY AND FORGET YOU NAKEDIN MY HEAD.

I'LL NEVER EAT RAISINS AGAIN."

( laughter and applause )

I DON'T WANT TO SEEMY GRANDMOTHER NAKED, YOU KNOW.

SHE TREMBLES AND SHAKES.

WE DIDN'T KNOWWHAT WAS WRONG WITH HER.

WE TOOK HER TO DOCTORSAND SPECIALISTS.

IT TURNS OUT,WE FORGOT TO PAY HER HEAT.

SHE WAS COLD.

( laughter )

MY GRANDFATHER'S FROM IRELAND.

HIS NAME IS FLORENCE McCARTHY.

HE MOVED TO NEW YORK IN 1920.

THEY USED TO BEAT HIM UPBECAUSE HIS NAME WAS FLORENCE.

HE HAD TO SWITCH HIS NAMETO FRANK.

THEN THIS CHRISTMAS, HE MADEA BIG ANNOUNCEMENT-- HE GOES

( with Irish brogue ):"I'M SWITCHING MY NAMEBACK TO FLORENCE."

AND WE BEAT HIM UP

'CAUSE IT'S A DUMB NAME

HE'S OLD AND WEAKAND IT WAS EASY.

I DON'T LIKE BEING IRISH.

YOU KNOW, PUTTING AN IRISH GUYON THE BEACH

IS LIKE PUTTING A FORKIN THE MICROWAVE.

JUST SPARKS AND A LOT OF PAIN.

REALLY NOTHING LESS ATTRACTIVETHAN AN IRISH GUY ON THE BEACH.

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE REPULSIVE

THAN A HALF-NAKED IRISH MANIN PUBLIC?

I'M SITTING ON THE BEACHWITH MY FRIEND SEAN.

HE'S GOT FOUR FRECKLESON EACH SHOULDER.

THEY'RE EACH THIS BIG.

HUGE, BLOATED, ROUND STOMACH.

RED ON TOP, WHITE UNDERNEATH.

BUT THE BELLY BUTTON,IT JUST KEEPS GROWING

INTO A TUNNEL FILLEDWITH CORN CHIPS AND BEER TOPS.

SKINNY LEGS TREMBLINGUNDER THE WEIGHT OF THE BELLY.

ORANGE HAIR STICKING OUTOF HIS PITS.

AND HE'S DRINKING.

"HEY, FITZIE,WE'RE GOING TO GET LAID!"

"NOT UNLESS YOU WANTTO HAVE SEX WITH ME, SEAN

PUT SOME PANTS ON."

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