Tommy Johnagin - Catch the Baby

  • Season 2 , Ep 3
  • 04/07/2011
  • Views: 13,569

You may have no idea what it sounds like when baby meets ceiling, but Tommy Johnagin does. (4:07)

AND SHE'S GOOD WITH THEM,AND THAT'S PRETTY EXCITING.

I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS YET.

I DON'T KNOW WHENI'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE THEM.

I DON'T THINK I'M READY.

I ACCIDENTALLY THREW A KIDINTO A CEILING ONE TIME.

I SWEAR THE GOD.IT WAS PURE ACCIDENT.

I WASN'T LIKE, "I CAN HIT THAT,"AND DIPPED HIS HEAD

IN BLUE CHALK LIKE AQUARTERBACK COMPETITION.

I WAS THROWING HIM UPIN THE AIR,

AND I WAS CATCHING HIM,YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE BABIES ARE DUMBAND THEY LOVE IT.

I DON'T EVEN CARE.MAYBE THEY'RE NOT DUMB.

I WOULD LOVE IT.

IF SOMEONE HERE COULD DO ITTO ME TONIGHT, I WOULD LET YOU.

(laughter an applause)

SO I'M THROWING HIM UPIN THE AIR,

AND I'M CATCHING HIM AND IT'SGOING GREAT FOR BOTH OF US.

UNTIL I WALK FROM THE KITCHENTO THE HALLWAY,

WHICH MEANT I WENTFROM A 14-FOOT CEILING

TO A 7-FOOT CEILINGBUT I THREW HIM

AT A 14-FOOT RATE OF SPEED.

(laughter)

I'VE NEVER MET MOST OF YOU,BUT I'M GOING TO ASSUME

THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEAWHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE

WHEN BABY MEETS CEILING.

IT'S A DULL NOISE.

WE HIT A STUDOR A FLOOR JOIST, SOMETHING--

HE'S PROBABLY2 INCHES SHORTER,

CAN'T SEE REDOR TASTE PEPPERONI.

JUST AWFUL.

AND HE STARTED CRYING,AND I FELT BAD.

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, BABY...

THAT'S ON ME, YOU KNOW?THAT WAS MY BAD."

AND THEN I PUT HIM DOWNAND WALKED AWAY

BEFORE ANY OTHER ADULTSSAW WHAT HAPPENED.

I'M NOT GOING DOWNFOR THIS ONE, BABY.

I WOULDN'T HAVE SAIDWHAT HAPPENED

IF HE HAD ACTUALLY STUCKIN THE CEILING

JUST DANGLING THEREWITH HIS GIANT HEAD

JAMMED IN BETWEEN INSULATIONAND SHEETROCK.

I'D HAVE BEEN LIKE,"HE--HE CAN JUMP!

"WE NEED HEAVIER BABY SHOES.

VOTE FOR MEFOR HEAVIER BABY SHOES."

I DON'T KNOW WHO I'M GONNAMAKE A BABY WITH.

I'M TRYING TO FINDTHE RIGHT WOMAN.

WOMEN. I DON'T CARE.

I KNOW WHAT I'M ATTRACTEDTO.

IT'S A LONG LIST.

ONE THING I'M ATTRACTED--I LIKE A GIRL WITH A TATTOO.

I FOUND THAT OUT.

(audience member hoots)A SEXY TATTOO,IT HAS TO BE A SEXY ONE.

DON'T GET COCKY.

I DON'T NEED A TEARDROP

WHERE YOU STABBED A GIRLIN THE JOINT OR SOMETHING.

PUT A LITTLE THOUGHT INTO IT.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

DON'T HAVE YOUR KIDSFOOTPRINTS

FROM WHEN HE WAS 12OR SOMETHING.

(laughter)

I ENDED UP WITH A GIRL WHO HADA BUNCH OF TATTOOS ONE NIGHT.

COVERED IN 'EM.THEY WERE ALL NICE.

I LIKED THEM.ONE OF THEM IN HER RIBCAGE.

SHE HAD A TATTOO OF A ZIPPERFROM THE TOP TO THE BOTTOM.

I SAID, "HEY, WHAT'STHAT ZIPPER ALL ABOUT?

WHY DO YOU GOTA ZIPPER TATTOO FOR?"

SHE SAID, "'ZIPPER'WAS MINE AND MY EX-BOYFRIEND'S

"SAFE WORD IN BED.

"WE'D YELL OUT 'ZIPPER'WHEN THINGS GOT OUT OF HAND

SO NO ONE GOT HURT."

"OH, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWYOU COULD GET HURT.

"THAT'S INTERESTING.

I'VE BEEN DOING IT WRONGTHIS WHOLE TIME."

WE STARTED ROMPIN' AROUND.

ABOUT A MINUTE INTO IT,SHE BIT ME ON MY SHOULDER HARD

WITH ALL OF HER--JUST A BIG--

"ZIPPER! ZIPPER!"

I TRIED TO BLOW IN HER NOSE'CAUSE THAT WORKS WITH DOGS.

(laughter and applause)

STOP THAT.

SHE CHOKED ME.

SHE CHOKED ME,AND I'M NOT HERE TO JUDGE YOU.

I DIDN'T FLY OUT TO NEW YORKAND HAVE MY PANTS STEAMED

TO JUDGE YOU PEOPLE.

I DON'T CAREIF YOU CHOKE OR NOT.

IT WAS MY FIRST TIME.

THE ONLY THING I WOULD LIKE--

HOW ABOUT A LITTLEPRE-CHOKE WARNING?

A LITTLE BIT OF, "HEY,IF YOU ENJOY WHAT'S HAPPENING,

I'M GONNA TAKE MY HAND,CUT OFF YOUR OXYGEN SUPPLY."

THAT WAS A LUXURYI WAS NOT AWARDED.

SHE CAUGHT ME ON AN EXHALE.I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.

SHE CHOKED A NOISE OUT OF ME.

A NOISE THAT YOU COULD HEARCAME--

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWIT WAS IN ME.

AND IT WASN'T A SEX NOISE.

IF YOU'RE TRYING TO THINK OF IT,DON'T THINK OF SEX NOISES.

NO ONE HEARD THE NOISEAND WAS LIKE, "THAT'S SEX.

I CAN TELL."

IF ANYONE HEARD IT,THEY WERE LIKE,

"CALL A VETERINARIAN!"

(laughter)

"SOMETHING'S STUCK UPIN THE CRAWLSPACE,

"AND IT'S IN LABOR.

"I CAN TELL.AND IT'S BREECH.

IT'S A BREECH BIG-HEADED,LABOR BABY."

(laughter)

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