Greg Giraldo - Dumb Country

  • Season 3 , Ep 10
  • 08/08/2000
  • Views: 19,994

America is getting dumber all the time, especially compared to Europe. (3:20)

I READ RECENTLY,

50% OF AMERICAN ADULTS DON'TKNOW WHO MADELINE ALBRIGHT IS.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

SHE WAS SO GOODON MURDER, SHE WROTE.

HOW DO YOU FORGET THIS WOMAN?

THEY RECENTLY DID A STUDY

WHERE THEY COMPARED THE MATH ANDSCIENCE SKILLS OF 12th GRADERS

IN 25 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES.

THE UNITED STATES CAME INTHIRD FROM THE BOTTOM.

YOU KNOW WHO WE BEAT?WE JUST BEAT OUT CYPRUS.

MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS, "MAN,WE GOT SOME REALLY STUPID KIDS."

AND THEN I THOUGHT, "I DIDN'TEVEN KNOW CYPRUS WAS A COUNTRY."

THAT IS JUST PATHETIC.

WE ARE NOT A BRIGHT NATIONOF PEOPLE, LET'S FACE IT.

YOU KNOW WHO BEAT US?MADAGASCAR.

MADAGASCAR, THE PEOPLETHAT RUN THE INDY 500--

[laughter]

HAVE BETTER MATHAND SCIENCE SKILLS

THAN THE UNITED STATESOF AMERICA.

EVER TALK TO A EUROPEAN PERSON?

THEY MAKE YOU FEELLIKE AN IDIOT.

PEOPLE FROM EUROPEKNOW EVERYTHING.

THEIR SCHOOLSARE UNBELIEVABLE.

THEY KNOW MORE ABOUT AMERICATHAN WE'LL EVER KNOW.

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

YOU GET IN CONVERSATIONSWITH THESE GUYS, LIKE,

"THE UNITED STATES WAS LUCKYTO KEEP ITS INDEPENDENCE

AFTER THE WAR OF 1812."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, FRENCHCHICKS GOT HAIRY PITS, RIGHT?

I KNOW THAT, MAN;HEY, IDIOT."

THEY HAD TO DUMB DOWNTHE BRITISH VERSION

OF WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?

FOR AMERICAN AUDIENCESAND MAKE IT EASIER

SO WE CAN GETSOME QUESTIONS RIGHT,

AND IT'S STILL IMPOSSIBLE.

THAT SHOW IS A BIG HIT.

IT'S GONNA BE ON THE AIRFOR TEN YEARS,

AND WE KEEP GETTING DUMBER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT SHOWWILL BE LIKE THEN?

"FOR $5 MILLION, WHAT DOESTHE A IN U.S.A. STAND FOR?

IS IT A, AMERICA?OR B, CUCUMBER?"

"I GOT TO USE MY LIFELINE,REGIS.

"I GOT TO CALL MY FRIEND HANS.

"HE'S A FOUR-YEAR-OLDIN HOLLAND.

HE KNOWS ALL THIS STUFF."

THIS GUY RECENTLY SUEDHIS LANDLORD

BECAUSE HE SAID

SCALDING WATER FROM THE SHOWERBURNED HIS GENITALS.

THAT'S A HELL OF A WAYTO TEST THE WATER, HUH?

[applause]

IT'S NOT A VERY BRIGHT COUNTRY,IS WHAT I'M GETTING AT.

I READ A BOOK RECENTLYFILLED WITH LETTERS

THAT SOLDIERSDURING THE CIVIL WAR

WROTE TO THEIR GIRLFRIENDSBACK HOME.

THESE WERE 17-YEAR-OLD KIDS.

MOST OF THEMNEVER EVEN WENT TO SCHOOL,

BUT EVERY LETTER IN THE BOOKWAS INCREDIBLE.

EVERY SINGLE LETTER WAS LIKE,"MY DEAREST HANNAH,

"THIS MORN FINDS ME WRACKED BYTHE FIERY PANGS OF YOUR ABSENCE.

"I'LL BEARYOUR CHERISHED MEMORY WITH ME

AS I BATTLE THE FORCESOF TYRANNY AND OPPRESSION."

NOW THINK ABOUTWHAT THE TYPICAL LETTER

FROM YOUR AVERAGEGULF WAR SOLDIER

TO HIS GIRLFRIEND BACK HOMEIN, LIKE, BROOKLYN

MUST HAVE READ LIKE.

"DEAR MARIE, IT IS HOTAS [bleep] OUT HERE.

[applause]

"IT IS HARD TO FIGHTTHESE SAND MONKEYS

"WITH YOUR BALLS STUCKTO YOUR LEGS.

"IT IS VERY, VERY HOT,AND I AM VERY, VERY SWEETY.

"IT IS VERY, VERY HOT OUT HEREBECAUSE I AM IN THE DESSERT.

"WHAT ELSE DID I WANT TO AX YOU?

OH, YEAH, DON'T [bleep] NOBODYTILL I GET BACK."

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