Matt D - Terrible at Dating

New York Comedy Festival Season 1, Ep 0101 01/11/2011 Views: 4,045

Matt D has dated all kinds of women -- as far as you know. (2:27)

-I don't want to giveyou the wrong idea.

I like to smoke pot.

I like to smoke potand order a pizza.

And my favorite thing aboutsmoking pot and ordering

a pizza is sometimes I'llforget I ordered the pizza.

It's like getting myself thebest surprise present, ever.

Excuse me, sir, didyou order this pizza?


Oh, my God!

That's exactly what I wanted.

I know me so well.

So I've dated all kindswomen, as far as you know.

I'm terrible at dating.

My longest relationshipwas nine months.

Yeah, my mom carried full term.

I'm seeing this girl nowthat I'm crazy about.

I actually met her online, eBay.

And that's been a lot offun, free shipping, so.

Lately, my girlfriend and I,we've been going back and forth

on whether or not we want kids.

And it's been reallyhard on our son.

He's just such a baby about it.

He's a baby, by the way.

My girlfriend, she wantsme to spank her during sex,

but that's not how I was raised.

So I just put her in time out.

I'm like, you stay in thereand you think about what you

me to do to you.

Of course, you can'tsend her to her room

because she has all those toys.

So she'll never learnher lesson that way.

I guess a lot of gals willtalk dirty in the bedroom.

They'll say stufflike, who's your daddy?

I can't do that.

I'm too nerdy.

I have to be like[breathing into microphone] I

am their father.

I'm terrible at sex.

I was having sexwith this one girl.

She called out anotherguy's name for help.



Way to make it awkward.

Go back to sleep.


I tell ya, I missmy ex girlfriend.

My friends used tocall us the lovebirds

because we used toshit on cars together.

Another time I was havingsex with this girl,

she wants to get having sexwith me over with so bad

that she fakesit, her own death.

Like that's going to stop me.