Darrell Hammond - Back in New York

  • Season 4, Ep 1
  • 12/03/2000
  • Views: 4,913

People in New York wear their hearts on their sleeves. (3:01)

I'VE BEEN OUT OF MANHATTANFOR A WHILE, BEEN DOWN SOUTH.

SOMETHING ALWAYS HAPPENSTO LET YOU KNOW

YOU'RE BACK INNEW YORK, Y'KNOW ?

FLICK A CIGARETTE INTOA MUD PUDDLE--

SSST !

( boom )

THE WAY PEOPLE ORDERIN A RESTAURANT.

"COULD YOU TAKE MY ORDERBEFORE JESUS GETS BACK ?

"WHATSA MATTER WITH YOU ?

"I'VE EVOLVED INTO ANOTHERSPECIES OVER HERE,

"YOU UNDERSTAND ?

"I CAN'T EATCLAM CHOWDA NO MORE.

I GOTTA SEE THE CYBORG MENU,YOU UNDERSTAND ?"

I MEAN, IF YOU THINKABOUT IT, NINE MILLION--

WHAT DO WE HAVE,NINE MILLION PEOPLE

ON A 12-SQUARE-MILE ISLAND ?

WE'RE PRETTY TIGHT.

IT IS FASCINATING, TOO, LIVINGIN A MULTICULTURAL SOCIETY.

I LOVE THE FACTTHAT WE GET ALONG

EVEN THOUGH MANY TIMESWE DON'T UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.

IT'S INTRIGUINGTO ME, THOUGH,

WHEN YOU'RE LIKE,ARGUING WITH SOMEONE

AND YOU CAN'T UNDERSTANDEACH OTHER,

HOW YOU'LL STARTTALKING LIKE EACH OTHER.

LIKE, I WAS IN THE LAUNDROMATTHE OTHER DAY.

AND I-- YOU KNOW THESENEW MACHINES,

Y'KNOW, YOU HAVE TO HAVEA DEGREE IN CALCULUS.

THEY'RE VERYCOMPLICATED MACHINES.

I'M PUTTING THE QUARTERS INAND THE THING STARTS--

( rumbling )

SHAKINGAND ALL THAT.

AND THE OWNERCOMES OVER, HE'S LIKE,

( Asian accent )"YOU PUT TOO MANY QUARTERIN THERE !"

I SAID, "I NO PUT TOO MANYQUARTER IN THERE."

"NO... I COME HERE,DO MY LAUNDRY,

"FIRST TIME, LONG TIME.

I NO PUT TOO MANYQUARTER IN THERE."

AND IF YOU'VE NEVERBEEN TO NEW YORK

YOU GOTTA VISIT MY FAVORITEBOROUGH, BROOKLYN--

( applause )

ARE YOU FROM BROOKLYN ?IT'S SOMETHING.

PEOPLE IN BROOKLYN WEAR THEIRHEARTS ON THEIR SLEEVES.

"EXCUSE ME, SIR,I'M LOST."

"GLAD I'M NOT YOU !"

BASICALLY A GOOD PEOPLE,BUT A TOUGH PEOPLE.

LET'S FACE IT, FOLKS.

THAT'S WHY THEYHAVEN'T WRITTEN

GHOST STORIESFROM BROOKLYN.

I THINK I CANUNDERSTAND.

GHOSTS ARE SORT OF GETTINGTOGETHER AND SAYING,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS ISJUST NOT WORTH IT."

I GET THAT, TOO,YOU KNOW ?

IT'D PROBABLY BE TOUGHTO HAUNT A GUY

WHO'S LOOKINGAT YOU LIKE,

"YEAH, YOU THE ONE GOING'WOO-WOO-WOO'

"UP AND DOWN THE HALL ?

"ARE YOU THE ONE GOING'WOO-WOO-WOO' ?

"SHUT THAT ( bleep ) UP.

"YOU UNDERSTAND ?

"MY WIFE AND I ARE TRYINGTO SLEEP, CASPER.

"ANOTHER'WOO-WOO-WOOO...'

"I'M GONNA SUCK YOUR ASSINTO MY VACUUM CLEANER.

"YOU DISAPPEAR...YOU DON'T COME HOME.

"HONEY, YOU HEARWHAT I TOLD HIM ?

"I TOLD HIM I'D PUT HIMIN THE VACUUM CLEANER.

THIS ( bleep ) AIN'T EVENIN THE UNION."

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