Brian Kiley - Parents

  • Season 10 , Ep 19
  • 04/20/2006
  • Views: 1,424

From time to time, Brian's mother puts on her wedding dress. (3:55)

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

ONE THINGI NOTICED ABOUT PARENTS,

PARENTS ALWAYS MAKE RIDICULOUS PREDICTIONS ABOUT THEIR KIDS.

THE DAY MY LITTLE BOY WAS BORN, A FRIEND OF MINE CALLED ME

'CAUSE HIS LITTLE GIRLWAS BORN THE DAY BEFORE.

HE GOES, "WHO KNOWS, MAYBETHEY'LL END UP GETTING MARRIED."

MY LITTLE BOY'S A DAY OLD, HIS LITTLE GIRL'S TWO DAYS OLD,

HE'S NOT GONNA MARRY SOMEONE TWICE HIS AGE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S SO STUPID, YOU KNOW.

DID YOUR PARENTS EVER GIVE THE OLD,

"WHEN I WAS YOUNG AGE" THING?I CAN REMEMBER

BEING FIVE YEARS OLD MY FATHER SAY TO ME, "WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,

I WAS A CADDIE AT A GOLF COURSE."

I'D SAY, "DAD, YOU'RE STILL A CADDIE AT A GOLF COURSE."

IT HASN'T HELPED YOU ONE BIT.

MY PARENTS ARE FUNNY. FROM TIME TO TIME,

MY MOTHER PUTS ON HER WEDDING DRESS.

NOT BECAUSE SHE'S SENTIMENTAL,

SHE JUST GETS REALLY FAR BEHIND IN HER LAUNDRY.

SHE'S WALKING THE MALL.PEOPLE ARE GOING,

- "WHAT IS THAT?" - [LAUGHTER]

'COURSE NOW THAT I'M A DAD, I'LL ASK FOR ADVICE.

HE ALWAYS SAYS THE SAME THING. "HOW'D YOU GET THIS NUMBER?"

- GEE. - [LAUGHTER]

SO NOT HELPFUL.

VERY STRANGE MAN, MY FATHER. MY FATHER'S ALLERGIC TO COTTON.

HE HAS PILLS HE CAN TAKE.

BUT HE CAN'T GET THEM OUTTA THE BOTTLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW THAT HE'S RETIRED, HE'S GONE BACK TO COLLEGE.

AND WE'RE VERYPROUD OF HIM, YOU KNOW.

EXCEPT WHEN HE COMES HOME FROM A KEG PARTY AND PEES OUT THE WINDOW.

- [LAUGHTER] - THEN WE'RE NOT AS PROUD.

BUT WE FLEW DOWN TO FLORIDATO VISIT MY DAD.

I MADE THE MISTAKE OF CALLING IN SICK FROM THE AIRPORT.

DID YOU EVER DO THIS?DON'T DO THIS.

RIGHT WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO SAYWHY I COULDN'T COME IN,

YOU COULD HEAR, "FLIGHT 709 IS NOW BOARDING.

FLIGHT 709 IS NOW BOARDING." SO, I SAID, "I CAN'T COME IN.

- I'M HEARING VOICES." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WENT ON VACATION LAST YEAR.

I WAS IN SUCH A RUSH TO GET THE AIRPORT.

I GOT THERE I REALIZED I FORGOT MY LUGGAGE.

I FELT SO STUPID CARRYING MY CLOTHES IN A BIG PILE.

- [LAUGHTER] - WELL, WHO WOULDN'T?

TOOK ME HOURS TO GET ALL MY STUFF OFF THAT BELT.

- I'M STILL MISSING SOCKS. - [LAUGHTER]

I DO SO MANY STUPID THINGS.

WE HAD A BLACKOUTLAST SUMMER AT MY HOUSE

AND I COULDN'T FIND A FLASHLIGHT OR ANY CANDLES.

BUT IN THE MEDICINE CABINET, I FOUND AN OLD

GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CONDOMAND HAD TO PUT THAT ON.

THEN MY WIFE COMES HOME.

IT'S STILL PITCH BLACK EXCEPT FOR...

- A FLICKER OF LIGHT. - [LAUGHTER]

SHE THINKS THERE'SA FIREFLY IN THE HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

STARTS SWATTING ME WITH A MAGAZINE.

SHE'S LIKE"I'M TRYING TO KILL IT.

IT KEEPS GETTING BRIGHTER."

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT. MAYBEYOU DIDN'T NEED TO HAVETHAT IMAGE IN YOUR HEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

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