LET ME ASK YOU FOLKS A QUESTION.
YOU EVER CATCH A TABLE CORNERIN THE CROTCH
WHEN YOU'RE WALKING TOO FAST?
IT HAPPENS.YOU CAN'T PREDICT IT.
IT'S LIKE A SNAKE IN THE GRASS.IT JUST -- "YAH!"
NABS YA.
I ALWAYS WEARA PLASTIC INSERT HERE
SO AS TO DEFLECTONCOMING TABLE CORNERS.
IT'S A HORRIBLE PAIN.
YOU GUYS WALKINTO A RESTAURANT --
YOU GUYS WALK INTO A RESTAURANT,YOU SEE TABLES.
I SEE A MINEFIELD.
'CAUSE IT COMES OUT OF NOWHERE.YOU'RE JUST WALKING.
[ Squeaky voice ]"THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.
"I THINK WE SHOULD GETTHE PUDDING.
"UGH!
I'M OKAY."
[ GAGS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ Normal voice ] THERE ARETWO WAYS TO RECOVER...
FROM GETTING NAILED IN THECROTCH WITH A TABLE CORNER.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE TONIGHT --TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU.
THE FIRST IS A PICK-AND-ROLL.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S WHERE YOU JUST
TAKE THAT TABLE CORNERLIKE A [BLEEP] CHAMP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DON'T LET IT AFFECT YOU.
THIS LEG STAYS PLANTED.YOU CAN PIVOT AROUND IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHS ]
BUT DO NOT LIFT THIS LEG,OR ELSE IT'S TRAVELING.
YOU'RE GONNA GET A TECHNICAL.
I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT IT WOULDLOOK LIKE, ALL RIGHT?
[ Squeaky voice ]"THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.
"I THINK I'M JUST GONNAGET THE CHEESE.
"I DON'T WANT ANY CARBS.I'M GONNA WEAR A BATHING SUIT.
NO CARBS. I'M OKAY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ Normal voice ]STICK THE LANDING.
NOW, BEAR IN MIND, YOUR DATEJUST SAW YOU EAT CRAP,
SO YOU BETTER, LIKE,EXPLAIN THAT ONE.
[ Squeaky voice] "WHAT?I DIDN'T FALL.
"I WAS TWIRLING.
I SAW CHEESECAKE.I TWIRLED. GET ME A DIET SODA!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ Normal voice ]THERE'S NO GRACEFUL WAYTO GET UP FROM THAT.
THAT'S IT.
OR YOU CAN JUST DO WHAT I DID.
MY DATE TOLD METHAT I LOOKED LIKE A DINOSAUR
GETTING HIT WITH A ROCK...
WHEN I GOT NAILED IN THE CROTCHWITH A TABLE CORNER.
WE WERE OUT ON OUR DATE --OUR LAST DATE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS PROBABLY MAKING GOOGLYEYES AT THE WAITER OR SOMETHING.
[ Squeaky voice ]"THIS IS SO FUN.
"I'M NOT GONNA HAVE ANYTHING.I'M JUST GETTING WATER.
"I'LL DRINK LATER --HAVE A MARGARITA.
EEE!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ SCREECHES ]
[ SCREECHES ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ SCREECHES ]
[ Normal voice ] THAT WAS MEEATING A LOW-FLYING PTERODACTYL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ONCE YOU'VE FALLEN ON A DATE,
THERE'S PRETTY MUCH NOWHERETO GO FROM HERE BUT DOWN.
IT'S A SHARP PAIN, TOO,
SO YOUR VOMIT COMES UP TO HEREIN YOUR THROAT.
GET THAT INVOLUNTARYTRAIL OF TEARS --
NOT A NATIVE-AMERICAN REFERENCE.
THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]