Iliza Shlesinger - Snake in the Grass

  • Season 14 , Ep 18
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 36,366

There are two ways to recover from getting nailed in the crotch with a table corner. (3:06)

LET ME ASK YOU FOLKS A QUESTION.

YOU EVER CATCH A TABLE CORNERIN THE CROTCH

WHEN YOU'RE WALKING TOO FAST?

IT HAPPENS.YOU CAN'T PREDICT IT.

IT'S LIKE A SNAKE IN THE GRASS.IT JUST -- "YAH!"

NABS YA.

I ALWAYS WEARA PLASTIC INSERT HERE

SO AS TO DEFLECTONCOMING TABLE CORNERS.

IT'S A HORRIBLE PAIN.

YOU GUYS WALKINTO A RESTAURANT --

YOU GUYS WALK INTO A RESTAURANT,YOU SEE TABLES.

I SEE A MINEFIELD.

'CAUSE IT COMES OUT OF NOWHERE.YOU'RE JUST WALKING.

[ Squeaky voice ]"THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.

"I THINK WE SHOULD GETTHE PUDDING.

"UGH!

I'M OKAY."

[ GAGS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] THERE ARETWO WAYS TO RECOVER...

FROM GETTING NAILED IN THECROTCH WITH A TABLE CORNER.

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE TONIGHT --TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU.

THE FIRST IS A PICK-AND-ROLL.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S WHERE YOU JUST

TAKE THAT TABLE CORNERLIKE A [BLEEP] CHAMP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DON'T LET IT AFFECT YOU.

THIS LEG STAYS PLANTED.YOU CAN PIVOT AROUND IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

BUT DO NOT LIFT THIS LEG,OR ELSE IT'S TRAVELING.

YOU'RE GONNA GET A TECHNICAL.

I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT IT WOULDLOOK LIKE, ALL RIGHT?

[ Squeaky voice ]"THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.

"I THINK I'M JUST GONNAGET THE CHEESE.

"I DON'T WANT ANY CARBS.I'M GONNA WEAR A BATHING SUIT.

NO CARBS. I'M OKAY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ Normal voice ]STICK THE LANDING.

NOW, BEAR IN MIND, YOUR DATEJUST SAW YOU EAT CRAP,

SO YOU BETTER, LIKE,EXPLAIN THAT ONE.

[ Squeaky voice] "WHAT?I DIDN'T FALL.

"I WAS TWIRLING.

I SAW CHEESECAKE.I TWIRLED. GET ME A DIET SODA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]THERE'S NO GRACEFUL WAYTO GET UP FROM THAT.

THAT'S IT.

OR YOU CAN JUST DO WHAT I DID.

MY DATE TOLD METHAT I LOOKED LIKE A DINOSAUR

GETTING HIT WITH A ROCK...

WHEN I GOT NAILED IN THE CROTCHWITH A TABLE CORNER.

WE WERE OUT ON OUR DATE --OUR LAST DATE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS PROBABLY MAKING GOOGLYEYES AT THE WAITER OR SOMETHING.

[ Squeaky voice ]"THIS IS SO FUN.

"I'M NOT GONNA HAVE ANYTHING.I'M JUST GETTING WATER.

"I'LL DRINK LATER --HAVE A MARGARITA.

EEE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SCREECHES ]

[ SCREECHES ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ SCREECHES ]

[ Normal voice ] THAT WAS MEEATING A LOW-FLYING PTERODACTYL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONCE YOU'VE FALLEN ON A DATE,

THERE'S PRETTY MUCH NOWHERETO GO FROM HERE BUT DOWN.

IT'S A SHARP PAIN, TOO,

SO YOUR VOMIT COMES UP TO HEREIN YOUR THROAT.

GET THAT INVOLUNTARYTRAIL OF TEARS --

NOT A NATIVE-AMERICAN REFERENCE.

THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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