Uncensored - Kumail Nanjiani - Sneaky Cat

Kumail Nanjiani: Beta Male Season 1, Ep 1 07/20/2013 Views: 42,635

When Kumail Nanjiani moved into a new house, he had to deal with a feline squatter. (2:18)

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I live in Californiaand I moved

to a new house,and the woman--

the woman who used to livein the house I moved into

had two indoor cats,

like, two pet catsthat just stayed inside.

And when she moved,

she just leftthe cats outside

and just moved away.

[audience groans]

Yeah, and one of the catswent feral right away,

like, a little too quickly,you know?

Like it could not wait.

It was like,"This is where I belong!"

And just fucking ran off.

Like a kidon a school trip

who just takesall his clothes off,

runs into the forest,"Fuck everything!

Tomorrow's not coming!"


We see her far awayon rooftops

silhouettedagainst the night sky,

murder in her mouth.

Lost cause.

The other cat is this reallysweet and friendly male cat,

and he's just tryingto get back into the house.

[audience aws]

Yeah, and he'sreally confused.

He looks at us like, "No, no,no, you don't understand.

"I live here.

Who are youfucking people?"

But after a couple weeks,

he starts trying, like,different tactics, you know?

Like, sometimes he'll hidebehind a car,

and we open the door,he'll, like, try to, like,

run right by us.

Some days he'll act, like,real nonchalant like,

"Thanks for gettingthe door for me."

One time he showed up in,like, a pizza guy outfit.

We're like, "Why wouldwe let the pizza guy

into the house?"

Tiny brains.

He was like, "Meowmino's."

He said, "Meowmino's."

No pants.Just a shirt.

Tiny pizza.

To us, just a cheese cookie,you know?

"30 meownutes or less,"that's what he said.

So we had him put down.

[audience groans]

I like the peoplethat groaned.

What point did you believethat story till?

Meowmino's made sense,Austin?