Uncensored - Pete Holmes - Off Porn

  • Season 1 , Ep 4
  • 08/13/2014
  • Views: 9,191

After a particularly sad viewing experience, Pete Holmes decided to stop watching pornography. (1:50)

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I'm off porn.I'm off pornography.

I felt some people groan.

That's fine, if you likepornography, it's not for anymoral or ethical reason.

If you like porn, go with God.

Yeah, get God involvedin that mess.

Uh, I had a good run. I enjoyedit for a good, long stint.

But even if you love porn,I think we can all agree...

when you're in your darkbedroom, no light exceptfor the laptop screen...

still wearing your fucking weirdDad-black socks...

and uh, you know, eh--

You're not--you're not at your best.

Can we agree that's not on thehighlight reel of your life?

Just kind of being like,"What if I was at the orgy?"

You're not...you're not there.

You're just doing dick theater.

You're trying to trickwith lotion, like "Eh--at the same time!"

It's fucking-- don't actlike you haven't done that,synching it up.

He looks like he's almost done.It's fucking pathetic.

Oh, you backed away for that?How dare you?

How dare you? I'm the onlyone that tried to synch upthe climaxes?

You fucking children!

You liars, how dare youlie as a group?

It's like-- all right, thisactually happened recently.

It's one of the reasons I wasall-- is I was jerking it toporn-- oh, god.

I was jerking it to the porn,and right when I came--I'm sorry.

But right when I came,I didn't give the orderto exclaim this...

but I came and just as I came,I went, "N'ah... not worth it!"

It just c--

You can just feelthat that's true, right?

There's no way I made that up.

I'm like, "Eh-- not worth it!"It just came out.

Not worth it, not feelinglike a piece of shit all day.

Eh-- it was in the morning, too.It was in the morning.

I was like meeting friends.I was like, "I had a shame day."

You know what I mean?It's like a bad-- not worth it!

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