Jeff Stilson - Sports Coverage

  • Season 7 , Ep 15
  • 05/22/2003
  • Views: 2,852

Marijuana is not a performance enhancing drug. (4:49)

Jeff Stilson: THANK YOU

VERY MUCH.

THAT'S-- OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE WAY TOO KIND.

IF ONLY YOU KNEW ME.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, BUT THIS IS GREAT.

WE'RE IN NEW YORK CITY.

YOU GOT YOUR LITTLE DRINKS IN

FRONT OF YOU, YOUR FAKE DRINKS.

[LAUGHTER]

NO FAKE CIGARETTES, THOUGH.

YOU CAN'T EVEN FAKE LIKE YOU'RE

SMOKING ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER]

MAYOR IS GOING CRAZY ABOUT

THE SMOKING.

THIS SMOKING THING, WE HATE

THE SMOKERS IN OUR COUNTRY NOW.

OUR SUPREME COURT HAS EVEN RULED

THAT FORCING ONE INMATE TO SHARE

A CELL WITH ANOTHER WHO SMOKES

IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT.

YEAH, IN OTHER WORDS,

OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM DECIDED THAT

A PRISONER CAN STILL SODOMIZE

HIS CELLMATE, HE JUST CAN'T

ENJOY THAT COMEDOWN CIGARETTE

AFTERWARD.

THAT'S THE BAD PART,

THAT SECONDHAND SMOKE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOT THE NON-CONSENSUAL ANAL

INCURSION.

NO PROBLEM THERE.

SO THIS IS GREAT, BEING IN

NEW YORK, YOU KNOW.

I MOVED HERE ABOUT 13 YEARS AGO

FROM SEATTLE, WASHINGTON.

I LEFT A CITY THAT HAS A HIGH

SUICIDE RATE FOR A CITY THAT

HAS A HIGH HOMICIDE RATE.

GUESS I'M JUST NOT A

DO-IT-YOURSELF KIND OF PERSON.

[LAUGHTER]

SO THANKS FOR COMING OUT,

YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE OUT.

AND THANKS FOR THE PEOPLE

WHO ARE WATCHING THIS ON TV.

THAT'S WHAT I'D BE DOING,

I'D BE AT HOME WATCHING TV.

MY TWO FAVORITE NETWORKS,

BY THE WAY, ARE COURT TELEVISION

AND ESPN.

I LIKE COURT TV AND ESPN BECAUSE

TOGETHER THEY ALLOW ME TO FOLLOW

THE CAREERS OF MY FAVORITE

PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES FROM

DRAFT DAY RIGHT THROUGH THEIR

FIRST FELONY CONVICTIONS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ACTUALLY, I'M TRYING TO WEAN

MYSELF OFF OF SPORTS,

OR WATCHING SPORTS ON TV.

IT'S TOO TIME CONSUMING.

I DON'T WATCH FOOTBALL ANYMORE.

I GAVE THAT UP.

I GOT TIRED OF THE INTERVIEWS

AFTER THE GAMES BECAUSE

THE WINNING PLAYERS ALWAYS GIVE

CREDIT TO GOD WHILE THE LOSERS

BLAME THEMSELVES.

YOU KNOW, JUST ONCE I'D LIKE

HEAR A PLAYER SAY, "YEAH,

WE WERE IN THE GAME, UNTIL JESUS

MADE ME FUMBLE.

[LAUGHTER]

HE HATES OUR TEAM."

AMATEUR SPORTS ARE NO BETTER

THAN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS,

YOU KNOW.

LIKE-- WELL, I KNOW THE OLYMPICS

ARE COMING TO NEW YORK I THINK

IN 2012 OR SOMETHING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHO CARES?

ARE YOU REALLY EXCITED ABOUT

THE OLYMPIC GAMES?

THERE ARE TOO MANY WEIRD OLYMPIC

EVENTS NOW.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE ONE WHERE THE

GYMNASTS PRANCE AROUND ON

THE MATERIAL TWIRLING A PIECE

OF RIBBON.

IT'S CALLED RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS.

UNLESS YOU'RE FIVE, THEN IT'S

CALLED PLAYING.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW THERE'S A BIG PUSH TO MAKE

BOWLING AN OLYMPIC SPORT.

BOWLING AN OLYMPIC SPORT,

THINK ABOUT THAT.

YEAH, THAT CERTAINLY WILL ADD

SPLENDOR TO THE GAMES, WON'T IT?

IMAGINE HOW THE DRAMA WILL BUILD

BEFORE THE COMPETITION AS THE

BOWLERS WAIT PATIENTLY IN LINE

TO RENT THEIR SHOES.

[LAUGHTER]

GOD, I FEEL SORRY FOR THE

COMMENTATORS IN BOWLING,

YOU KNOW?

THE SPORT IS SO PREDICTABLE.

THERE'S JUST A BALL AND

AN ALLEY.

THERE'S NO DEFENSE,

NO OBSTACLES, NO STRATEGY.

"SO JIM, WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'LL

DO ON THIS ONE?"

[LAUGHTER]

"HE'S PROBABLY GONNA TRY

TO KNOCK THOSE PINS DOWN.

BACK TO YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

AND GOLF'S GONNA BE AN OLYMPIC

SPORT.

GOLF, AN OLYMPIC SPORT.

YEAH, YOU'RE EXCIT--

[APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE DIFFICULT

TO STAY AWAKE WHILE WATCHING

GOLF ON TELEVISION.

IT'S A GREAT SLEEP INDUCER.

I THINK THIS IS WHY THE

COMMENTATORS IN GOLF WHISPER;

THEY DON'T WANT TO WAKE YOU UP.

[LAUGHTER]

"LOOKS LIKE TIGER HAS ABOUT

A 20-FOOT PUTT, AND WHILE HE'S

LININ' IT UP I'LL TAKE THIS

OPPORTUNITY TO SING--

♪ ROCK-A-BYE BABY ♪

[LAUGHTER]

AND-- WELL, IN RECENT OLYMPICS

ANYWAY, HAVE ALL BEEN PLAGUED

BY SOME, YOU KNOW, DRUG SCANDAL.

AND IT'S REALLY NO WONDER.

THE DRUG TESTING IN THE OLYMPICS

IS SO STRINGENT NOW.

ONE GUY WAS EVEN STRIPPED

OF A GOLD MEDAL AFTER HE TESTED

POSITIVE FOR MARIJUANA.

MARIJUANA?

MARIJUANA'S NOT A

PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUG.

IT'S THE OPPOSITE.

THIS GUY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN

TWO MEDALS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ONE FOR WINNING, AND ONE FOR

GETTING HIS ASS OFF THE COUCH

AND DOING SOMETHING WHEN HE

WAS STONED.

COULD HAVE BEEN SITTIN' AROUND

ALL DAY EATIN' DORITOS AND

WATCHIN' CARTOONS.

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