Mike Birbiglia - Goals

  • Season 10 , Ep 6
  • 03/02/2006
  • Views: 15,465

Mike Birbiglia doesn't think "white bread" is an insult. (3:37)

NICE TO SEE YA I, UH, WOW

THIS IS REALLY NICE. I-- INTRODUCE MYSELF PROPERLY.

- I'M MIKE BIRBIGLIA.- WOO!

YEAH, I'M-- THANKS. I'M ITALIAN.

MY FAMILY'S NOT REAL ITALIAN.WE'RE LIKE OLIVE GARDEN ITALIAN.

AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE COME UP TO ME AND THEY'LL BE LIKE,

YOU KNOW IN ITALY IT'S PRONOUNCED BIRBILLIA.

I'M LIKE, "IN AMERICA, YOU'RE ANNOYING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WAS A HARD NAME TO HAVE GROWING UP.

KIDS WOULD CALL MENAMES LIKE BIRBIGGLEBUGAND BIRBIGLIOGRAPHY

- AND [BLEEP]. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOME WERE MORE CLEVER THAN OTHERS. BUT--

I WAS AN ALTAR BOY WHEN I WAS A KID.

- AND THE ANSWER IS NO. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS VERY AMBITIOUS AS A CHILD, THOUGH.

I HAD BIG GOALS. I WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN OR A RAPPER OR THE OWNER

OF A PIZZA RESTAURANT WHERE THIRD GRADERS COULD HANG OUT.

THOSE WERE MY GOALS.I WANTED TO BE A RAPPER.

I REALLY DID. AND IT SURPRISES PEOPLE 'CAUSE I'M A WHITE BREAD CRACKER.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE WHITE PERSON SLUR, "WHITE BREAD."

THE OTHER DAY SOMEONE WAS LIKE,"WHAT'S UP, WHITE BREAD?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S NOT EVENAN INSULT. THAT'S JUST MY RACE

PLUS A FOOD." I WAS LIKE "I CANDO THAT TOO, BLACK BEAN SOUP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU STAY OUT OF THIS,ASIAN CHICKEN PLATTER."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I LIKE USING THE WORDCRACKER A LITTLE BIT IN MY ACT,

'CAUSE A LOT OF BLACK COMICSUSE THE "N" WORD.

I LIKE USING THE "C" WORD LIKE "ME AND MY CRACKER FRIENDS

WERE DRIVING DOWN THE STREET IN MY VOLVO STATION WAGON.

AND I SAID, "HEY CRACKER, PASS THE SUN CHIPS."

AND HE SAYS, "NOT 'TILWE GET TO THE PICNIC, CRACKER."AND I SAY, "CRACKER, PLEASE."

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

HE'S LIKE, "CRACKER WHAT?"

BUT WHAT HAPPENED IS I SAID THAT IN A SHOW.

AND THIS BLACK GUY COMES UP TO ME AFTER THE SHOW

AND HE WAS LIKE, "GREAT SHOW, CRACKER." AND I-- IT WAS NICE.

AND I WAS LIKE, "ACTUALLY, YOU CAN'T CALL ME A CRACKER.

"ONLY WE CAN CALL EACH OTHER CRACKERS.

YOU CAN SAY CRACKAH, BUT NOT 'CRACKER.'"

AND HE WAS LIKE "IT'S OKAY, I'VE GOT WHITE FRIENDS

AND THEY'RE COOL WITH IT."SO I COOLED DOWN.

I COOLED DOWN. I WAS PRETTY ANGRY.

I JUST LIKE DOIN' THAT VOICE.

THE LIKE, "ME AND MY CRACKERFRIENDS HAVE A--"

IT'S LIKE MY WHITE GUYDOING A BLACK GUY DOING

A WHITE GUY VOICE. 'CAUSE A LOT OF BLACK COMICS

HAVE THE ONE WHITE GUY VOICE, LIKE, "THIS IS RIDICULOUS."

LIKE WE ALL TALK LIKE BRITISH DETECTIVES.

AND I DON'T KNOW ANYONEWHO TALKS LIKE THAT.

I FEEL BAD FOR THE ONE GUY ON EARTH WHO DOES TALK LIKE THAT,

WHO'S WATCHING THOSE COMICS ON TV AND HE'S LIKE, "THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS.

"THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE ME AT ALL.

"WAIT 'TIL I GET MY HANDS ON THAT BLACK FELLOW.

- BUT FIRST I'M GONNA DANCE."- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

OH, YEAH.I-- THAT'S HOW WE DANCE.

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