Gilbert Gottfried - Jesus' Father

  • Season 6, Ep 9
  • 06/16/2002
  • Views: 11,158

No matter what Jesus did, he could never live up to his father. (4:54)

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

GILBERT GOTTFRIED>> THAT WAS

JUST FOR CLIMBING DOWN THE

STAIRS.

ANYWAY...

YOU'RE A GREAT CROWD.

YOU'RE A GREAT CROWD.

JUST CALM DOWN.

I ENVY YOU I REALLY ENVY YOU,

TO BE ABLE TO COME HERE AND

SEE ME.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S SUCH A THRILL FOR YOU

BUT JUST DON'T GET GIDDY.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GET

GIDDY.

'CAUSE YOU GET GIDDY YOU'RE

GONNA TAKE SOMEONE'S EYE OUT.

THAT'S THE NATURAL PROGRESSION

OF GIDDY.

FIRST YOU GET GIDDY AND THEN YOU

TAKE SOMEONE'S EYE OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

ONCE WHEN I WAS AT LIFE'S LOWEST

EBB, AND I FELT LIKE NO ONE

WOULD EVER LOVE OR ACCEPT ME.

I THOUGHT I'D KILL MYSELF AND

I CHECKED INTO A MOTEL ROOM

IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND

I WAS LYING THERE IN THE DARK.

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE

WAS A WARM GLOW OF LIGHT AND

I LOOKED UP AND CHRIST WAS

STANDING OVER ME LIKE THIS,

AND I LOOKED UP AT HIM AND HE

LOOKED DOWN AT ME AND FINALLY

HE SPOKE AND SAID, "GILBERT,

AM I FAT?"

(LAUGHTER)

I SAID, "I DON'T THINK SO.

I THINK YOU LOST WEIGHT".

HE SAID, "WELL, YA KNOW,

I'VE BEEN RUNNING."

AND I SAID TO HIM, "JESUS,

YOU WENT--"

PLEASE JEEZ!"

(LAUGHTER)

HE LIKES TO BE CALLED JEEZ.

ALL HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM JEEZ.

ON HIS LICENSE PLATE IT'S A

BUNCH OF G'S IN A ROW.

(LAUGHTER)

SO YOU READ IT, YOU GO "G, G. G.

JEEZ.

OH."

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T KNOW WHO HE HAS ON HIS

DASH BOARD...

(LAUGHTER APPLAUSE)

FOR A WHILE IT WAS LIKE

A MORPHIN POWER RANGER,

BUT IT LOOKED STUPID.

AND I SAID TO HIM, "JEEZ, G-Z,

G-Z BOY, I FEEL LIKE NO ONE WILL

EVER ACCEPT ME."

AND JESUS LOOKED AT ME AND SAID,

"YOU KNOW WHAT MY THEORY IS?

ACCEPT ME OR GO TO HELL."

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND THEN AS HE WAS WALKING OUT

HE TURNED TO ME AND SAID,

"HEY, I MIGHT NOT BE BACK

FOR A FEW THOUSAND YEAR.

YOU WANT ME TO DO ANYTHING,

LIKE END WAR?"

AND I SAID "NO, YOU'RE A GUEST,

GET OUTTA HERE."

"I CAN CURE A FEW DISEASES."

"NO, NO, GO, GO AND TAKE SOME

CAKE WITH YA.

(LAUGHTER)

I ALWAYS FEEL SORRY FOR--

I'VE ALWAYS FELT SORRY FOR

JESUS.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, NO MATTER WHAT

HE EVER DID, HE COULD NEVER LIVE

UP TO HIS FATHER.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU FIGURE, IF YOUR FATHER'S GOD

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT'S

SO IMPRESSIVE?

SO JESUS WOULD MAKE THESE

LONG SPEECHES AND GO, "PUT YOUR

FAITH IN ME."

"YEAH, THAT'S NICE.

HOW'S YOUR FATHER DOING?"

(LAUGHTER)

"HE'S DOING OKAY.

I WILL GRANT YOU HAPPINESS."

"OH, THAT'S NICE.

YOU'LL TELL YOUR FATHER I SAID

HELLO, THOUGH?"

"HOW ABOUT ETERNAL LIFE?"

"YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S CUTE,

BUT YOUR FATHER, YOU'LL TELL HIM

MY NAME?

YEAH."

(LAUGHTER)

AT THE LAST SUPPER, HOW COME

NO ONE SAT AT THE OTHER SIDE

OF THE TABLE?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHY DID EVERYONE HAVE TO SQUEEZE

IN LIKE THIS?

THINKING THEY COULD'VE MOVED

LIKE ONE PERSON OVER THERE.

IT'S JUST AS WELL THEY DIDN'T

HAVE PEOPLE ON THAT SIDE.

IT WOULD HAVE LOOKED STUPID

TO HAVE PEOPLE IN THE PICTURE

LIKE THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK ORIGINALLY THERE WERE

PEOPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE

BUT THOSE WERE THE ONES GOING,

"YOU KNOW, THE AIR-CONDITIONER

HITS ME RIGHT ON THE BACK

OF THE NECK."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

A MIDGET PUTTING A DIME

IN A PAYPHONE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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