Doug Stanhope - Vices

  • Season 5 , Ep 13
  • 09/23/2001
  • Views: 4,619

Doug Stanhope thinks taking part in vices is punishment enough. (3:38)

7 MONTHS AGO.

I THINK THAT IF I LIVED ANYWHERE

OTHER THAN L.A., I'D START

AGAIN.

THAT'S WHY I QUIT.

I DIDN'T EVEN QUIT FOR

HEALTH REASONS, I QUIT BECAUSE,

THEY'RE DOING IT HERE WITH

THE RESTAURANTS, THEY MADE IT

ILLEGAL TO SMOKE IN BARS HERE

IN L.A.

FOR THE WAITRESSES.

BECAUSE WAITRESSES ARE EVIDENTLY

DYING BY THE THOUSANDS--

BIG 'NAM KILLING FIELDS OF

WAITRESSES OUT THERE.

CAN'T PRODUCE A BODY, THERE ARE

MASS GRAVES OUT THERE SOMEWHERE,

BUT THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY

WON'T...

ANSWER ME THIS, IF SECOND-HAND

SMOKE IS KILLING THAT MANY

PEOPLE, AND NICOTINE IS THE MOST

ADDICTING SUBSTANCE ON THE

PLANET, WHY IS NO ONE ADDICTED

TO SECOND-HAND SMOKE?

DO YOU KNOW ANY SECOND-HAND

SMOKERS?

DO YOU GET LAID, OR GET IN A

STRESSFUL SITUATION AND HAVE TO

RUN OUT TO A BINGO HALL OR

AN A.A. MEETING AND BREATHE

DEEPLY?

NO.

BECAUSE SOMEONE'S LYING.

SECOND-HAND SMOKE IS ANNOYING

AT BEST.

SORRY.

(APPLAUSE)

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, IF YOU'VE

BEEN A WAITRESS FOR SO MANY

DECADES THAT SECOND-HAND SMOKE

IS AFFECTING YOUR HEALTH,

THEN YOU WERE PROBABLY DEAD

ON THE INSIDE A LONG TIME AGO.

SO, THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING,

SO ANYWAYS...

SO THEY MAKE IT ILLEGAL TO SMOKE

IN BARS IN L.A., AND THEN,

THEY START ENFORCING IT--

THEY START HAVING VICE RAIDS.

'CAUSE EVERYONE'S, YOU KNOW,

LIKE, SCREW YOU TO THE LAW,

YOU KNOW, SO THEY HAVE SOME

CRIME-STOPPER DIALS AN

800 NUMBER AND THEN VICE COPS

COME IN UNDER-COVER TO THE BAR

WHERE THEY GET COMPLAINTS.

YOU KNOW, DRESS UP LIKE A SMOKER

TONIGHT, BOB, WE'RE GOING IN

UNDER-COVER.

OOH!

IT'S A NON-FILTER--

WAIT FOR BACK UP.

AND THEY DO, THEY SPRING OUT OF

THE PLASTIC BUSHES AND START

WRITING TICKETS TO EVERYBODY.

IF YOU'RE A VICE COP--

ARE THERE VICE COPS IN HERE

TONIGHT?

YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN FAKE IT.

YOU SHOULD GET THE WORST

ASS-CANCER THAT AN ANGRY GOD

CAN CREATE.

I MEAN, HOW DO YOU DO THAT

FOR A LIVING?

'CAUSE I READ THESE STORIES,

AND YOU THINK-- DON'T YOU HAVE

REAL CRIME TO FIGHT SOMEWHERE?

BUT WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT--

A VICE COP DOESN'T FIGHT REAL

CRIME.

A REAL COP FIGHTS REAL CRIME,

BUT A VICE COP'S ONLY JOB

IS TO RUIN THE PARTY.

THAT'S ALL HE DOES.

HE BUSTS YOU FOR SMOKING DOPE,

OR GOES TO TOPLESS BARS AND

MAKES SURE THERE'S NOT TOO MUCH

ASS CRACK IS SHOWING.

OOH!

GOES TO SMUT SHOPS,

AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT

WHACKING OFF IN A WHACK OFF

BOOTH.

OOH!

WE NEED YOU IN SOCIETY!

YOU'RE A HERO!

YOU'RE A BUZZ-KILL.

YOU'RE A PAID, PROFESSIONAL,

STATE-SANCTIONED BUZZ-KILL

FOR A LIVING.

EVERY VICE IS ALREADY

A PUNISHMENT IN ITSELF.

THERE'S NO NEED FOR A VICE LAW.

THE PUNISHMENT IS INHERENT IN

THE ACT.

YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES--

YOU GET CANCER AND DIE--

YOU DON'T NEED A TICKET

ON TOP OF IT, RIGHT?

EVERY VICE IS LIKE THAT.

YOU WATCH TOO MUCH PORNO--

IT DIMINISHES YOUR TASTE FOR THE

KIND OF GIRLS WHO WILL ACTUALLY

POON YOU.

IT'S GOT A DOWN SIDE.

THEY ALL HAVE A DOWN SIDE.

I'VE DRANK UNTIL I COULDN'T

REMEMBER MY OWN NAME,

I FIGURED I LEARNED A LESSON.

I'VE DONE DRUGS, I'VE DONE COKE

UNTIL MY NOSE WAS BLEEDING LIKE

THE FOURTH WEEK OF LILITH FAIR.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO HAVE SOMEONE

TELL ME IT WAS WRONG AFTERWARD,

I FIGURED IT OUT, ALL ON MY OWN!

I'VE HAD HOOKERS BEFORE,

I'VE 6 OR 8 HOOKERS IN MY LIFE.

I NEVER WOKE UP THE NEXT DAY

GOING, MAN, I GOT A HOOKER

LAST NIGHT.

WHO'S THE THINKER, BOBBY, HUH?!"

I COULD'VE POUNDED OFF AND SAVED

A $185.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

NOW I GOTTA CHECK MY (BLEEP)

FOR SPOTS FOR THE NEXT

SIX MONTHS--

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.

TO GO TO JAIL ON TOP OF THAT--

THAT'S DOUBLE JEOPARDY--

THAT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

DON'T GET ALL WEIRD.

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