Sir Ian of Patrick and the Final Quest

Buck Wild Season 2, Ep 18 08/09/2016 Views: 772

When a knight returns home after battling dragons and warlocks, everyone but his wife is happy to see him. (2:42)

- [grunts]Uhh!

- Sir William of Barry.Ha-ha, you old goat!

What brings youto the Tower of Dragos?

- Same as you.Gonna kill Dragos.

You know,bring peace to the realm.

How about you?How are your other quests?

- Pretty good.I killed a warlock,

and I [bleep]-ed a Chimera.

- Look at you.I sucked off a Kraken.

- That is so awesome.

On three.

both: One, two, three!

- Oh, you mother-[bleep].

Oh, shit!

- Hey, Dragos.

[dragon screeching]

- Ah, son of a bitch!

- Sorry about that.Had to do it.

- Hey, no worries, mate.

I kind of always knewI'd die by betrayal.

Well, the realm's safe.

I guess you cango on back to your family now.

Nothing left to slay.

- Shit.

I mean...yay.

My family.

[children screaming]

- Father.- Papa's home.

- Daddy!

[children clamoring]

- Is it true?

You climbed into the buttof a warlock

and you blew him up?

- Whoa-ho-ho-ho.

Those are just...legends.

- I've heard a lot of legendssince you've been gone, Ian.

Mostly ones about you shagginghorrible creatures and elves.

- I never had sex with an elf...during this quest.

Look, Sandra, baby,

I know I haven'tbeen around much,

but the realm is safe now.

We can start over.

- Really?

[laughs]

You're all of a suddengoing to be a family man,

be a father, a husband,

without no creatureson the side?

Provide for us,be here all day,

every day?

- [singsong]I brought presents.

[children cheer]

For Matilda,the wings of a harpy.

- Will they make me fly?

- No, they're justdead, cut-off wings.

And for Connor and Jack,

we've got goblin swords.

- Swords!- Yay!

- Agh!It's in me!

- My penis!

- Great, Ian.Real responsible.

Give our children weapons,right?

Honestly, and what did youget me, huh?

Another mouth to feed?

A nudie picture of some

owl-bear you're banging?

Or the same thingyou always get me--

STDs and side of nothing!

- Of course I got yousomething.

Don't play me like that.

Look, I've got you...this?

- A gorgon head?

What the hellam I gonna do with--

- [gasps]

Oh, don't look at--don't look at that.

Whoa-oh, oopsies.

Don't look, I've got toput it back in the sack.

- Get it, Daddy, get--- Don't look, don't look.

No.No, what have I--

What have I done?

[dramatic music]

I'm just going on a questto save my family.

They were all turned to stone.

I don't know how it happened.