Uncensored - T.J. Miller - Grandpappy's Last Words

  • Season 1 , Ep 2
  • 07/30/2014
  • Views: 5,766

T.J. Miller questions the audience's integrity while David Wain does a magic trick for Kumail Nanjiani backstage. (3:30)

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Do you guys thinkyou're good people?

That's a weird one, isn't it?

Everyone's like, "Hold on,we have to decide now?"

I'm still working on some stuff.

Your grandfather is on his deathbed, he's asked to speakwith every individual.

You last of all, becausehe wants to deliver his lastwords unto you.

You open the door to thehospital room...

the sunlight dapples inthrough the Venetian blinds.

There's dust settling in theair. It smells like Grandpappy.

Not bad, but not great.

The door clicks shutbehind you...

and that's when your grandfatherturns to you and he says...

"Come closer."

And you kind of want to be like,"Yeah, I just got in the room."

What did you think I was gonnabe like, "Last words, yell 'emfrom here, Grandpappy."

The car is running out front.

So you go over, you sit downnext to him and he says...

"Come closer."

Okay, so you lean ina little closer.

He says, "Come closer, still."

At this point, you kind of wantto be like fuck that. You knowwhat I mean?

You're close. You could touchhis forehead with your nose...

by going like this, that's it,that's all it would take.

So you lean in closer,even still, because he'son his death bed.

You know? I mean,it's just a regular bed...

but they rename it, I guess,to remind him constantlyof what's happening.

I mean, how awful is that?

Are you comfortableon your death bed?

Is your death bed high enough?

You want to come over hereand sit in your "slowlydecomposing" chair?

Why don't you have a lay downon the "it will all beover soon" sofa?

Yeah, let's do that, then youcan kick your feet up...

on the "I hope I'm not alonein that moment, but ultimatelyaren't we all alone" ottoman?

We're gonna mix them up,up and down.

So it's just like--eh? eh? Right?

Look, look, some facing one way,some facing the other--

It's a mess of cards!It's mayhem.

It's crazy, it's mayhem.I mean-- yeah.

And yet, what if I couldsnap my fingers...

and then suddenly they're allback to normal, except one card?

Is that the card you picked?

Yeah.

JONAH (O.S.):Doing a good job, Kumail!

Good job, Kumail!I did it! I did it!

Kumail, that's amazing!Kumail! Kumail! Kumail!

How is he the hero?I did it!

So you lean in closer and that'swhen he delivers these,his last words unto you.

He says, "Live every day likeyou've just learned to love.

"And love every moment of that.

"Also fuck-tards must die."

Uh, guys, what do you do?

What is he talking about?What was that last part?

Was that a little pieceof dementia?

He's never said fuck-tardsin his life.

It's not even a real word,it's a combinationof two terrible words.

Or was he testing your courage?

Saying you were the last personI want to talk to.

Because you're the only one thatcan carry on my message,which apparently is...

fuck-tards must die.

I guess what I'm asking is...do you leave the last part in?

Or do you leave it out?

Do you say the last part?Or do you not say it?

Say it!

I don't know. I don't knowif you should leave it inor leave it out.

I do know you're a bad personif you only say the last part.

If you come out, and you'relike, "Everybody,Grandpappy just passed...

"and he wanted me to tell you...

"sorry... 'fuck-tards must die.'

"So let's get some shovels anda gun, these fuck-tards ain'tgonna kill themselves!"

Thank you, I'm TJ.

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