Bob Marley - Ordering Food

  • Season 11 , Ep 7
  • 02/01/2007
  • Views: 21,690

DID YOU EVER GET THE WAITERTHAT WANTS TO TELL YOU HIS NAME?

I DON'T WANNA KNOW YOUR NAME. I'VE GOT STUFF TO DO.

I MEAN I'M A REALLY NICE GUY BUT I ALREADY HAVE FRIENDS.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO APPLEBEE'S TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE WAIT STAFF,

YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE BUNCH OFOTHER PROBLEMS.

DID YOU EVER MEET THIS WAITER. HOW ARE YOU? MY NAME IS TRAVIS.

I'M YOUR SERVER TONIGHT, TRAVIS, YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL,

YOU JUST ASK FOR TRAVIS. I'M TRAVIS, T-R-A-V-I-S TRAVIS.

MY WIFE LOVES IT. "HI TRAVIS, HI."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S NO RELATIONSHIP HERE, TRAVIS.

I TELL YOU WHAT I WANT.YOU GO GET IT.

I GIVE YOU SOME MONEY THEN YOU GO AWAY LIKE A FOOD HOOKER.

- THAT'S HOW THIS WORKS. - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THEN HE SAYS "ARE WE READY TO GET STARTED THIS EVENING?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? EVERY GUY IN THE WORLD KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS

ON THE DRIVE TO THE RESTAURANT.

I'M DRIVING. MY WIFE'S TALKING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S SAYING.

SHE'S ALWAYS TALKING. I'D LIKE TO LISTEN TO HER,

BUT I'M RETARDED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S SAYING.

I'M DRIVING, SHE'S LIKE, "MARYANN, YOU KNOW MARYANN?

YOU KNOW MY FRIEND MARYANN? MARYANN JUST BOUGHT SOME

NEW CURTAINS FOR THE YING, YING,YING, YING, YING, YING, YING..."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.I JUST SMILE AT HER.

YAH! YAH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I THROW IN A

"YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. YAH!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE WHOLE TIME SHE'S TALKING, ALL I'M THINKING ABOUT IS,

WHAT I'M GONNA EAT AT THE RESTAURANT?

SHE'S LIKE, "YING, YING, YING."

I'M LIKE "I'M GETTING HALIBUT. HALIBUT.

"KEEP ON CHATTING CHATTY CHATERSON,

"BUT I'M GETTING A BIG ASS PIECE OF HALIBUT.

"SO YES, TRAVIS, YOU LITTLE BASTARD, I KNOW WHAT I WANT.

"BUT I CAN'T ORDER FIRST.

"THAT'S NOT HOW THE SYSTEM'S SET UP.

"THAT WOULD MAKE WAY TOO MUCH SENSE

"BECAUSE I ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT I WANT.

"PLEASE LET MY WIFE GO FIRST

AND TORTURE US ALL"... RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

...WITH WHAT SHE MIGHT WANT."

THIS IS WHAT MY WIFE DOES WITH THE MENU,

"GOSH THERE'S SO MUCH TO PICK FROM, I DON'T EVEN KNOW."

AND I JUST SIT THERE AND LAUGH AT HER LIKE A MORON.

"I KNOW, ISN'T THAT CRAZY?HA, HA, HA, HA!

LOT TO PICK FROM, LOT TO PICK FROM."

BUT IN MY HEAD, I'M THINKING, PICK SOMETHING SEA HAG.

I DIDN'T SAY IT. IT JUST POPPED INTO MY HEAD. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I MEAN YOU CAN'T BE WITH SOMEBODY FOR ANY AMOUNT OF TIME

AND NOT THINK EVIL THOUGHTS OF THEM.

DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LOVE HER JUST BECAUSE SEA HAG POPPED INTO MY HEAD.

LIKE LADIES, YOU EVER WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

AND YOU LOOK OVERAT YOUR HUSBAND SLEEPING

WITH THAT BIG FAT HEAD OF HIS, HIS MOUTH IS OPEN, DROOLING,

HE'S BREATHING SOME KIND OF MEATLOAF ON YOU FROM LIKE FOUR DAYS AGO

AND YOU THINK, "HOW IN THE HELL DID I GET MATCHED UP WITH THIS GUY?"

AND YOU JUST WANNA PUNCH HIM, JUST ONCE, JUST ONCE.

JUST TO SEE HIM GO,"ALL RIGHT-- ALL RIGHT,WHAT WAS THAT?"

"IT'S OKAY, GO BACK TO SLEEP."

- "OKAY. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT, I THOUGHT SOMEBODY PUNCHED ME IN THE HEAD."

"NOBODY PUNCHED YOU IN THE HEAD. YOU'RE OKAY." "OKAY. OKAY.

LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU."

MY WIFE DIDN'T KNOWWHAT SHE WANTED TO ORDER AT THE RESTAURANT.

SHE GOT REALLY NERVOUS, RIGHT?

PEOPLE FREAK OUT WHEN THEY DON'TKNOW WHAT THEY WANT TO ORDER.

GOD THEY'RE GONNA GET TO ME-- I'M NOT GONNA KNOW.

SO YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS, RIGHT? YOU SAY, "HEY TRAVIS,

COME BACK IN A FEW MINUTES." DON'T EVER DO THAT,

THE LITTLE BASTARD WILL NEVER COME BACK.

HE'S ALWAYS OFF CHASING BUTTERFLIES

- AROUND THE PARKING LOT, RIGHT? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, ISN'T THAT OUR WAITER TRAVIS?

OPTION NUMBER TWO, YOU SET UP A LITTLE VERBAL DEFENSE.

THAT'S WHAT MY WIFE DID.SHE GOES,

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT. WHY DON'T YOU GO FIRST,

AND THEN YOU KNOW." "NO, I DON'T KNOW.

"I WANT HALIBUT.I KNEW THAT AN HOUR AGO IN THE TRUCK.

"HOW MUCH TIME YOU BUYING YOURSELF WITH THIS MOVE?

"LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. IN THE TIME THAT I SAY HALIBUT,

"YOU'RE GONNA FIGURE OUT YOUR WHOLE ORDER?

"HOW LONG IS IT GONNATAKE ME TO SAY HALIBUT?

"DO I HAVE A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT THAT I'M NOT AWARE OF?

"YES, TRAVIS I'LL HAVE THE-- [CHEWBACCA NOISES].

[NOISES CONTINUE]

"I'M GONNA SAY, HALIBUT, AND YOU'RE GONNA BE SCREWED.

"WATCH THIS, HALIBUT. OKAY, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

WHAT DO YOU GOT? YOU GOT NOTHING."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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