- Let me get this straight,
I park where I'm notsupposed to,
and that gives you the rightto punch my fucking car?
[dark electronic music]
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to"This Is Not Happening".
I'm the host, Ari Shaffir,
and tonightthe topic is "melee."
[cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen,you know him from
the amazing podcast"We'll See You In Hell."
Please give it upfor my friend and yours,
Mr. Joe DeRosa.
[cheers and applause]
- I don't care forthe way people act...
these days,most of the time.
I don't like the waypeople act.
Uh, I find everybody to bevery entitled.
Nobody apologizes anymore.
Nobody says, "Sorry."
Sorry isn't an apology anymore.
Sorry has becomea sarcastic phrase.
It's completely sarcastic now,'cause everybody's entitled,
you know,"Sorry, I'm a bitch. Sorry."
Deal, I'm a bitch."
Well, you're a cunt,actually.
You're a cuntand a horrible person.
Uh, but that's everybody'sattitude.
Like, "Deal, ugh--ugh--ugh"and it bothers me.
And I will admit,I am ethical to a fault
because of the wayI was raised.
Now, I was raisedin an East Coast,
Italian,Catholic household, okay?
Now, I'm not Italian'cause I'm adopted.
Uh, and I'm not Catholicbecause I'm logical.
But I was raisedin that environment.
And that environment makes you
passionate to a faultabout your ethics, okay?
This is the kind of Italian,Catholic house I grew up in.
When I was 12 years old,my mother forced me
to watch "Goodfellas."
She for--I didn'twant to watch it.
She made mewatch it.
And the--there's a scenein the movie
where Henry Hill,the main character,
he getsbusted for the first time.
And he beats the rap in court'cause he won't squeal.
And he leaves the courtroom andgoes out to the lobby,
and De Niro comes up to him.And De Niro goes,
[as Robert De Niro]"You learned the two greatest
"lessons in life today:never rat on your friends,
and always, alwayskeep your mouth shut."
And at that part in the movie,my mom paused the movie.
And she turned to meand she goes,
"Did you hear that?
That's whatit's all about."
Mm, well, he committedperjury, actually,
if you want to get downto what it's all about.
Uh, crazy,passionate household.
Fights with zero filter.
Just unbridled ragein every argument.
I've--I've gottenso mad at my mom
in the middle of arguments,where we're screaming,
that I'll--I would stopand I would go,
"Ooh, what I wouldn't give,just one time."
And my momwouldn't even get offended.
She wouldn't be like,"How dare you," you know?
My mom would go,"You and what army?"
That was her response to it.It's psychotic.
And it was a Catholic household,as I said too.
Very Catholic, um,how Catholic?
This is how Catholic.
Uh, there was a framedcross-stitch work of art
above the couchin the living room,
uh, and it was a poem--a Catholic poem,
and it said,"A little boy asked Jesus,
"'Jesus,how much do you love me?'
"And Jesus said,'This much.'
And stretched his arms outand died."
That was above the couch,in the room
where you're supposed tohave tea with people.
We also had a statue, uh,when you walked in
the front door, there wasa statue about this big.
There was a little table anda statue on it about that big.
It was a bust of bloody Christfrom the crucifixion.
That wasthe first thing you saw
when you walked into the house.
Like, "Ah, am I gonna likethis place?
"Oh, there's a dying Jesuswith blood and snot
all over his face, okay,yeah, I feel welcome."
It was terrifying.
But my--I swear to God--my best friend was Jewish,
so I would chase himaround the house
with the statue all the timewhen he slept over.
"Look what you didto me, Dan.
[spooky voice]Look what you did, Jew!"
All right,so that's the house.
That's the house,and that's how I was raised.
Okay, so, uh,about three or four years ago,
my mom got cancer.
Now, she's okay now,she's fine,
but she had to gothrough a recovery period
for a few months,so I moved home
to try to help herthrough the recovery period.
And one of the biggest rulesabout cancer recovery is:
no stress.You can't stress.
Which is gonna be tough becausethis is a woman
that I've almost fist-foughtseveral times in my life.
So I'm just, you know,we're cooped up in the house
and we're annoying the shitout of each other,
but we're trying not to fight.
We're just tryingto keep it cool.
And the tension's building,and whatever.
Then, finally, one day,my mom goes,
"I feel good today,let's leave--
"let's go out of the housefor the first time.
"Let's go out of the house.It's Sunday.
Let's go to the supermarket.We'll make a big Sunday gravy."
Italian tradition, great.
We go to the supermarketon a Sunday in the suburbs,
which, if you've ever done that,it's a fucking nightmare, okay?
It's horrible,there's cars everywhere,
there's loose cartsflying all over the place.
There's kids.It's fucking terrible.
So I'm already driving like,"Oh, motherfucker.
We're not gonna geta parking spot."
And I'm getting aggravatedbut I'm like, "Be cool,
"'cause your--don't giveyour mom cancer, again,
just be cool right now."
And there's a big, douchey,like, SUV in front of us.
And, uh, it suddenlyjust stops.
Doesn't pull over to the side,it just stops
in the middleof the driving lane.
And the car shuts off,
and the drivergets out of the car,
and walksinto the supermarket.
That's it,doesn't put his flashers on.
Doesn't go like,"Oh, shit, dude, I'm sorry,
I'll be right back."Nothing!
Just walk--you ever see somebody
do an asshole-dickhead thinglike that,
and they don'tcall attention to the fact
that they did anasshole-dickhead thing?
It's like you justsaw a magic trick.
You're like,"What the fuck just happened?
"Did he just do that?He did that.
Wait, how did he do that?But he did that?"
So I start honking.
I start honking and I'm yellingeven though the windows are up.
I'm yelling,and I go, "Yeah! Hey!
You can't park here!Hey!"
And my mom goes, "Stop it.Stop honking right now."
And I go, "No, I won't stop it.He shouldn't be parked--
"You can't do--did you seewhat he just did?
And my mom goes, "Stop it.You're embarrassing me."
'Cause now we're outof the house
and suddenly she has class,all of a sudden.
And my mom goes,"Stop it! Stop it!"
And I go, "I will not stop it!There are rules, Mom!
Am I the only one thatgives a shit about the rules?"
And I literally start doing theJohn Goodman speech
from "The Big Lebowski"
when he's in the bowling alleywith the gun.
And when you do that speechto people, they don't go,
"Oh, 'Big Lebowski,'right?"
They go, "What the fuckis wrong with you?"
So I--we--we have to pullaround his truck now,
into the oncoming trafficlane.
And it's dangerousand whatever,
but we maneuver aroundand we park.
And I'm very angry.
And my--me and my parents,we get out of the car
and my mom and dad say,
"Come on, let's gointo the store."
And I pull a super"Goodfellas" move right now.
I just go,"You go ahead.
You go ahead,I'm gonna wait right here."
Because that happensin "Goodfellas."
There's a part in "Goodfellas"where Ray Liotta's girlfriend
gets sexually assaultedby the neighbor, right?
And he drives her home,and then they see
the neighbor outside,and she goes,
"Let's go in the house,Henry."
He goes, "No, no, no,no, you, you go ahead.
I'm gonna wait here."
And then he walksacross the street
and beats the neighbor'sface in with his gun.
And I've wantedto do that so bad
in front of a girl for myentire fucking life.
Could you imagine...
Do--do you have a boyfriend?
Uh, you love him?You like him?
- I like him.
- Just imagine if he beata man's face in
with a gun in front of you--
No, you wouldn't bemaking that face.
You wouldn't be makingthis face,
you'd be making,[moans] this face.
You'd be the horniestyou've ever been
in your fucking life.
So I go, "You go ahead, I'mgonna--gonna wait right here."
And they go in the supermarketand I stand there,
and I just waitfor the guy.
And he comes strolling outof the supermarket
with a six-pack.
This fucking douche bagwasn't even going in
to get like medicine,or some shit like that.
Like an emergency, possibly,no--six-pack.
And he's smilinglike he's proud of what he did.
And he hops in his car.
I race to his carand I bang on the window.
And he kind of jumps,like, "Whoa."
And he rollsthe window down,
he's like, "What?Wha--wha--what's up?"
And I go,"Apologize! Right now!
Apologize, say you're sorry!"And he goes, "What?"
And I go, "You had no rightto park here!"
"No right!Very dangerous!
Say you're sorryright now!"
he didn't say sorry,obviously.
He didn't come closeto an apology.
What he did say was,
"Fuck you.Your breath smells,"
and then he drove away.
And that hurts, doesn't it?"Your breath smells."
That hurts real deepin the soul, doesn't it?
That's the worst"you smell" insult there is.
There's no worse "you smell"than "your breath smells."
I literally--this is how much"your breath smells" hurts.
I literally would ratherbe receiving
oral sex from a girland the girl stop and be like,
"Joe, your dick smellsreally bad."
And I'd be like,"It does? How's my breath?"
"Your breath is fine,but your dick reeks."
"Fuck it, it's a dick, sweetie.Keep going, wh--I don't care."
So, uh,he drives off.
And now this is the partin the story where I think
most people would be like,"I've lost this round.
"Time to retreat, go inside,and buy some sausage
for dinner tonight,whatever."
Uh, but I decidedthat I was gonna run
across the parking lotso I could intercept his car
before it left the parking lotbecause...
[stammers]He needed to know! Okay?
So I runacross the parking lot...
Uh, he's coming,he sees me coming.
He's not stopping'cause he sees me coming.
So now I'm approaching his caras he's driving past me,
and he's passing me,not stopping.
I cock back like this,
and I punch his car
as hard as I can,okay?
Now, some of youare making a face like,
"Joe, that's fucking nuts."
You know what,fuck you, okay?
Have you everpunched a car?
Ful--when it's moving,with all your might?
Do you knowwhat it feels like?
Fucking glorious,that's what it feels like.
It is the hand of justicehammering down.
It felt fucking great!
Until he stopped the carand he opened the door,
and he just goes like this,he goes,
"Let me get this straight.
Let me get this straight,I park where I'm not supposed to
and that gives you the rightto punch my fucking car?"
And then he undid his seat beltand he stood up.
And as he stood,he kept screaming at me,
but I don't meanscreaming words at me.
He just literallystood up like this:
And, uh,at that point I ran away
because I didn't--
I never got that farin a confrontation before.
I was like, "That's--that's not supposed to happen."
And as I was running,I could hear him go,
he was going,"Keep running, you pussy!"
And I--I did.I was like, "I'm go--yeah,
I didn't need that tip,I know."
But I was so proudof myself.
I really was,I was proud of myself.
I was like, "This is what my momraised me to do, man."
You know, she showed me"Goodfellas" when I was 12.
We had theJesus-committing-suicide thing
above our couch.
You sacrifice for what youbelieve in, that's what you do.
And I couldn't waitto tell my mom
what I didto defend her honor,
and I went inand I told her the whole story
right in the middleof the supermarket.
And she--all she said was, shelooked at me and she just goes,
"You make me sick."
And I was like,"That's not what you're, uh--
"that's not what you're supposedto say right now.
"That's not what Ray Liotta'sgirlfriend says in 'Goodfellas''
"He hands her a bloody gunand she says she's turned on.
"But I don't want youto say that,
"but I just mean, you know,
maybe a thank you."
And she goes,"You make me sick."
And we started arguingin the supermarket,
like full-on,the argument we had been
trying to avoid for two months
because she's tryingto recover from cancer.
Here it is.The shit is going down.
And it's not only going down,it's going down in public.
And we are screaming,
and at the peakof the argument--
I swear to God,the peak of the argument,
I just go like this,I just go,
"I am no differentthan Christ!"
And my mom goes,"What are you talking about?"
And I go, "Jesus sawmoney changers in the temple!
"He went into a rage!He flipped the tables!
That's like me punching the car!I'm just like Christ!"
And my mom goes,"You make me sick."
And for three days--for three days,
I told this storyto every single person I knew.
And every time I told the story,I made the argument
that I was not crazy.
And for three days,every single person I knew
said to me,
"Joe, you're fucking crazy."
And for three days,I denied it.
Until I realized,"Everybody I know and love
"is telling me I'm crazyand I keep saying I'm not.
That's what crazy people do."
So the pointof the story is, guys,
Jesus was fucking crazy.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you so much!
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