John Oliver - We Need Heroes

  • Season 2 , Ep 2
  • 03/31/2011
  • Views: 12,331

We shouldn't be on the same planet as athletes; we should be on a smaller, less-good planet so that we don't make their ground dirty. (2:58)

FOR YOU TO ENJOY.

LET'S ALL AGREE ON ONE THING.

WE NEED HEROES,NEW YORK.

THE WAY THE WORLD IS,WE NEED HEROES.

SADLY THOUGH, THE WORD "HERO"HAS BECOME SO OVERUSED NOW

THAT IT'S ALMOST MEANINGLESS.

WE'VE DEVALUED THE TERM.

'CAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE GENUINEGROUP OF HEROES IN THE WORLD.

I THINK WE'D PROBABLYALL AGREE ON THAT.

ONLY ONE ABSOLUTEGROUP OF HEROES

WORTHY OF SUCHAN ELEVATED TERM,

AND THAT'S ATHLETES,OF COURSE.

(laughter)ATHLETES ARE THE ONLY HEROES.

WE HAVE ONLY ATHLETES.

ONLY ATHLETES DESERVETO BE CALLED HEROES

BECAUSE ONLY ATHLETESARE THAT.

WE SHOULDN'T BE ON THE SAMEPLANET AS THE ATHLETES.

WE SHOULD BE ON A SMALLER,LESS GOOD PLANET

SO THAT WE DON'T MAKETHEIR GROUND DIRTY.

(laughter)

THE PROBLEM IS, THOUGH,THAT ATHLETES DISAPPOINT US

WITH THEIR BEHAVIOR.

WE PUT THEM UP ON THESEPEDESTALS

THAT THEY 100% DESERVE.

I JUST WISHWE COULD MAKE THEM BIGGER,

BUT OUR FEEBLE HANDSCAN'T DO IT.

AND THEN THEIR BEHAVIORDISAPPOINTS US.

YOU KNOW, THEY EVADE TAX.THEY SEXUALLY ASSAULT PEOPLE.

THEY CARRY LOADED FIREARMSINTO NIGHTCLUBS

IN THEIR SWEAT PANTS.

THEY TAKE PHOTOS OF THEIR PENISON THEIR CELL PHONE

AND TEXT IT TO WOMENTHAT ARE NOT THEIR WIVES.

AND BY THE WAY, WHAT WE JUSTPUT BRETT FAVRE THROUGH

IS A TOTAL DISGRACE!

HE ISA PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE!

HE CANNOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLETO HIS ACTIONS!

SHAME ON US!

WHEN YOU GIVE SOMEONE LIKEBRETT FAVRE A CAMERA PHONE...

(laughter)

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTANDIT'S LIKE YOU'RE GIVING IT

TO A MEMBER OF A REMOTEUNDISCOVERED AMAZONIAN TRIBE.

YOU HAVE TO SAY TO HIM,BRETT, BRETT.

BRETT, LOOK AT ME, BRETT.LOOK AT ME, BRETT.

LOOK AT ME, BRETT.LOOK AT ME.

NOW, BRETT,THIS IS A CAMERA, BRETT,

THAT IS ALSO A PHONE,BRETT, OKAY?

LOOK AT ME, BRETT.DON'T GRAB AT IT.

DON'T GRAB AT THE PHONE, BRETT.I'M TALKING.

OTHERWISE YOU CAN'T HAVE IT.DO YOU WANT IT?

DO YOU WANT IT?

SIT ON YOUR HANDS,BRETT.

(laughter)

THIS IS A CAMERA, BRETT,BUT IT'S ALSO A PHONE.

NOW, THE ONE THINGYOU MUST NOT DO, BRETT,

THE ONE THING IS USE THISTO TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR PENIS

AND TEXT IT TO SOMEONETHAT IS NOT MRS. FAVRE, OKAY?

THAT'S THE--NOW WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?

WHAT DID YOU JUST DO, BRETT?YES, YOU DID, BRETT!

YES, YOU DID, BRETT!HOW DO I KNOW?

YOU TEXTED IT TO ME, BRETT!IT'S ON MY PHONE, BRETT!

I DON'T WANT THAT ON MY PHONE,BRETT!

I DON'T WANT THAT ON MY PHONE,BRETT!

I DON'T WANT THAT ON MY PHONE,BRETT!

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