Gene Pompa - Three-Way

  • Season 8, Ep 17
  • 03/25/2004
  • Views: 4,123

USA Today reports that a man's number one fantasy is to be with two women at once. (4:00)

Gene Pompa: I QUIT SMOKING

CIGARETTES MYSELF ABOUT A YEAR

AGO.

I GAINED 18-POUNDS SO NOW I HAVE

TO WEAR A LOT OF BLACK SO NO ONE

KNOWS WHAT A BIG HUNKING PIG I

TURNED INTO.

[LAUGHTER]

NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I CANNOT

LOSE THIS 18-POUNDS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND IT'S REALLY STARTING TO

KICK MY ASS.

I MEAN, I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING

SHORT OF DIET AND EXERCISE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHOA!

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

ALSO I QUIT DRINKING BOOZE.

NOW I'M WHAT YOU CALL A SOCIAL

DRINKER.

WHICH MEANS IF SOMEONE SAYS

THEY'LL HAVE A DRINK I SAY,

"SO SHALL I."

[LAUGHTER]

I WANT A DRINK ALSO.

I HAD TO GO SHOPPING TODAY TO

BUY SOME BOOTS 'CAUSE MY BOOTS,

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE GETTING REALLY

THRASHED.

I'M TELLING YOU SOMETHING.

I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW DIFFICULT

IT IS TO FIND A PAIR OF MEN'S

CLASSIC BLACK BOOTS WITH JUST

A LITTLE BIT OF A HIGH HEEL

AND AN OPEN TOE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I WAS IN THE SUPERMARKET.

I USE TWO SHOPPING CARTS FULL

OF GROCERIES AND I'M WAITING

IN LINE.

THIS GUY GETS IN LINE BEHIND

ME AND ALL HE HAS IS A JAR OF

SPAGHETTI SAUCE AND SOME

SPAGHETTI.

HE KEEPS LIKE CHECKING HIS WATCH

AND LOOKING AT MY TWO FULL

CARTS.

AND I JUST TOTALLY IGNORED HIM.

THEN FINALLY I TURN AROUND AND

SAY, "HEY, MAN, IF THAT'S ALL

YOU HAVE IS THAT SPAGHETTI

SAUCE AND THAT SPAGHETTI THEN

YOU SHOULD JUST GO AHEAD AND

DO SOME MORE SHOPPING 'CAUSE

I'LL BE A LITTLE BIT OF

A WHILE."

[LAUGHTER]

"AND I HAVE TO WRITE A CHECK.

I DON'T HAVE ANY I.D.

BUT I GOT A LOT OF COUPONS.

AND ALL I NEED'S A PAIR OF

SCISSORS AND I CAN CUT THEM OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'LL BE OUT OF HERE IN A

JIFFY."

MAN, I GOT IN A BIG FIGHT WITH

MY GIRLFRIEND.

THE THING IS SHE CAN BE REALLY

IMMATURE.

SHE SLEEPS WITH THIS BIG,

STUPID TEDDY BEAR.

AND I TOLD HER, I SAID,

"YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU'RE 17 AND A HALF.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IS YOUR--"

SHE'S NOT 17 AND A HALF.

SHE'S 30.

AND, AH...

I DID A TERRIBLE THING.

I READ THIS ARTICLE IN

USA TODAY.

IT SAID THAT A MAN'S NUMBER ONE

FANTASY IS TO BE WITH TWO WOMEN

AT ONCE.

THAT'S A MAN'S NUMBER ONE

FANTASY ACCORDING TO USA TODAY.

SO I TOLD MY GIRLFRIEND ABOUT

THIS ARTICLE.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, I READ THIS

ARTICLE.

THEY CAME UP WITH A REALLY GOOD

IDEA.

YOU, ME AND ANOTHER GIRL,

WE'LL GET TOGETHER AND THEN

WE'LL ALL HAVE SEX AROUND THE

EXACT SAME TIME."

SHE'S LIKE, 'I AM SO NOT

INTERESTED IN THAT."

I GO, "COME ON.

YOU KNOW, YOU PLEASE BE A GOOD

SPORT."

[LAUGHTER]

SO SHE HAS A CHANGE OF HEART.

SHE GOES, "OKAY, I'LL HAVE A

THREE-WAY.

YOU, ME, AND ANOTHER GIRL, BUT

AFTERWARDS YOU BETTER SERIOUSLY

CONSIDER PROPOSING TO ME."

SO I SAID, "ALRIGHT."

SOUNDED FAIR.

SO WE HAD THE THREE-WAY AND

LIKE A MONTH LATER SHE GOES,

"HEY, AREN'T YOU GONNA POP THE

QUESTION?"

I GO, "LOOK, I GOTTA BE REAL

HONEST WITH YOU.

I'M NOT THAT COMFORTABLE

MARRYING A LESBIAN."

[LAUGHTER]

"'CAUSE I'M CATHOLIC AND WE'RE

NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT

ACCORDING TO THE NEWSLETTER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE HAVING TROUBLE IN OUR

SEX LIFE.

THAT'S HOW THE WHOLE THING GOT

STARTED.

SO WE HAD TO GO SEE A SEX

THERAPIST.

SHE RECOMMENDED WE INCORPORATE

THE USE OF SEX TOYS.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER

USED SEX TOYS BUT THEY'RE NOT

REALLY TOYS.

YOU KNOW ANY HOUSEHOLD ITEM

CAN WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

SO HER FAVORITE SEX TOY TURNED

OUT TO BE A TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, IT WORKED OUT BITCHING

BECAUSE NOW SHE ALWAYS SMELLS

MINTY FRESH.

AND I HAVE 30 PERCENT FEWER

CAVITIES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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