Sirs, missesand sassy britches, hello.
Everybody's lookingdelicious and lovely.
Everyone dressed up and stuff.
I'm feeling pretty good.
Mainly 'cause I just gota brand-new pair of pajamas.
Not bragging,but I live dangerously.
What happened was, I went tothe store to buy the pajamas,
but they were out.
So I just went next door andsigned up for karate lessons.
Boom. New pajamas. Look at that.
Karate's a little more thanpajama-wearing to the extreme.
I can't wait to see the lookon that burglar's face
when he sneaks inside my houselate one night,
only to turn and find mein my karate jammies!
He thinks I'm thereto beat him down, but in truth,
I've just come outfor a late night snack.
This is dumb.I got in a fight the other day
and I tried to get out of itby saying, "Listen, man,
I'm just warning you,I know karate."
And if you have to tell somebodythat you know karate,
man, you don't know karate.
If you did, you would havekarated me by now, you know?
And the guy who was tryingto fight me was like,
"Oh, I don't know karate.
I know 'ka-ratay.'"
And I was like, "Oh, do you knowa speech 'thera-pisst'?"
And he did not knowa speech "thera-pisst."
But he did know "ka-ratay."
And he beat the hell out of me.
I've never been an academic.
I barely squeakedout of high school.
Two grades put me over the top.
One was the excellent gradeI received
on my final art project,a simple stick figure sketch
of my art teacher, Mr. Garza
making out withthe married Spanish teacher.
I call that piece, "I Know."
And the other gradethat put me over the top
was the excellent grade
I receivedon my final Spanish project.
Simple short story,written entirely in Spanish
about a certain art teacher
making out witha married Spanish teacher.
I call that piece "Yo Sé."
(speaking foreign language)