Nick Swardson - Bar Fight

Ford, Swardson, Y'all Season 2, Ep 0202 06/13/1998 Views: 23,417

Nick Swardson is just trying to avoid a fight. (2:48)

IT'S A COOL PLACE,BUT I'M REALLY SMALL.

SO I MOVE THERE, I HATE FIGHTING.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

MY FIRST WEEKEND THERE

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "HEY, WE GOTTA GO OUT, DUDE.

"WE GOTTA DRINK MAN.

WE'RE GOING OUT."

I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT.

WE GO OUT, WE GET IN A FIGHT IN A BAR.

THIS WAS THE WORST EXPERIENCE

BECAUSE I'M REALLY SMALL,I DON'T LIKE TO FIGHT.

AND IT WAS ONE OF THOSE THINGSWHERE IT WAS LIKE AN ACCIDENT.

THE LAST FIGHT I WAS INWAS LIKE IN THIRD GRADE

AND THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

IT'S LIKE, "YOU SMELL LIKE POOP."

"IT'S OVER, DUDE, IT'S OVER."

BUT THIS WAS LIKE SERIOUS.

AND IT ALL STARTED

WHEN I KNOCKED THIS GUY'S DRINK OVER.

BUT IT WASN'T LIKE A GUY.

IT WAS A GUY.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS LIKE SERIOUS

AND IT WAS ONE OF THOSE THINGS WHEN YOU MESS UP,

TIME JUST STOPS.

IT WAS ALL IN LIKE SLOW MOTION.

I WAS AT THE BAR LIKE,

"OH YEAH, THE BATHROOMS ARE RIGHT OVER THERE."

OH, NO.

AND THE GUY WAS LIKE SO MAD HE DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANY WORDS.

HE WAS LIKE...

AND ALL OF HIS FRIENDS WERE LIKE,

"YEAH, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT."

MY FRIENDS WERE LIKE, "WE'RE GONNA GO PLAY POOL, DUDE.

CALL US LATER, MAN."

AND I FREAKED OUT.

AND IT'S NOT FAIR 'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW ANIMALS--

GOD GAVE ANIMALS THINGS TODO WHEN THEY GET IN TROUBLE.

THEY DO COOL STUFF.

HE DIDN'T GIVE US ANYTHING TO DO.

YOU KNOW LIKE ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL, LIKE ON SPECIALS.

I SAW THIS SPECIAL ABOUTTHIS LIZARD IN AUSTRALIA

AND WHEN HE GETS INTO TROUBLE

ITS HIS HEAD SWELLS UP

AND IT JUST TAKES OFF.

LIKE THAT'S COOL,

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOU SEE SOME GUY IN A BAR DO THAT.

LIKE, "HEY, LET'S GO BUDDY, LET'S DO IT."

WHAT ME ?

IT'S LIKE I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT IN A BAR, YOU KNOW.

NOT AGAIN.

BUT I GOTTA DO SOMETHING 'CAUSETHIS GUY WAS RIGHT IN MY FACE

AND I GREW UP WITHCATS MY WHOLE LIFE.

AND I THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.

I WAS LIKE, OKAY.

THE GUY'S LIKE "LET'S GO, DUDE."I'M LIKE ALRIGHT.

LET'S GO.

LET'S DO IT.

( loud purring )

( hissing )

THE GUY WAS LIKE, "DUDE, MAN."

THANKS A LOT YOU GUYS HAVE A GREAT NIGHT.

THANKS FOR COMING OUT TO THE SHOW.