I, uh, found out this morningI'm definitely not
tough enough for New York.
It's true. I, uh,I got out of a cab, you know,
and I'm smiling, you know.I had my, like, map.
And I was like,"Oh, yeah, New York
is delightful, huh? Yeah!"
Within, like, three seconds,some guy's like,
"Out of the way (bleep)!"
I'm like, "All right, over here.Is this good?"
What's going on?A little too happy.
I could get stabbed.I'd be like, "Thank you.
"This is the best stabbingI've ever had. Thank you.
Do we tip? I don't knowhow this works. No."
New York playsby their own rules, you guys.
Went to a bar. I was like,
"Oh, I'll have a,I'll have one Heineken.
The guy's like,"All right, $58."
I was like, "What?
What am I in Narnia?When did drinks cost... $58?"
Uh, no, but this is a true thingthat happened in New York.
I remember reading about it.
A plane took offand a bunch of geese
got caught in the engine,and so, then they thought
they were going to crash,but they were
able to land on waterand everyone lived.
So everyone was like,"What a great day!
What a great day!"It's like...
It's like, "Yeah, it's a greatday if you're not a goose."
All right, I love animals.Nobody's talking about that.
Right? There's somegoose family right now
that's like, "Jacob should behome by now."
You know, like...
I'm sick of people sayingthey like animals
and then they see, like,a fruit fly or something,
they'll swoop at it."Ah, it's a fruit fly."
That's an amazing creature,little fruit fly.
It's this big.
Flies all over the room.
It's that big.
Right? If you thinkabout a fruit fly.
Like if a fruit fly fliesfrom your table to me,
that's like L.A. to Floridafor him, you know?
No plane, just his little wings.
I'm not going to swoop at him.I'll be like, "Rest here."
"You must be so tired.
Do you want some fruit?"
Some people see my comedy.
They always write about itonline and stuff.
They're like,"Aw, he was just stoned."
You know, he's...he's just, he's just high.
This guy's jokingabout fruit flies.
But I am not.This is just how I am.
You know, I'm actuallyreally bad at drugs.
You know, like, I'm the guy
who will ruin the party,you know?
I'll say stuff like, uh,"I could see how people
would killthemselves on this."
Everyone's, like, "Jesus!"Like, "What's going on with...?"
"I feel like my tongueis in 3-D."
They're like, "Your tongue isin 3-D, stupid, all right?"
Like, "Babysit this guy thewhole party-- I'm not gonna..."
Plus it's unfair to assumethat I'm high.
You know, 'cause my jobis to think of funny stuff.
You know, and when you're high,
everything's funny, you know?
So it'd be an occupationalhazard if I just smoked pot
and, like, came up here with,like, a notebook full of jokes.
Like, "So, uh... uh... s...
have you ever seen a snowflake?
"It's like, whoa!
"Oh, I got other ones. Um...
Why is peanut butterso delicious?"
I guess I do drugsif you count, uh, drinking.
I drink a lot since, uh,
Mind of Mencia's been canceled.
Ugh, you know.
My friends, they're always,
they're tough guys, you know,so they're always like,
"Hey, man,you gotta drink J ger.
That's what you gotta do, man.Yeah, it what we drink."
"Don't be such a pussy.We drink J ger, man.
It tastes like licorice."
I'm like, "Yeah, it tasteslike licorice,
"but the taste isn't theproblem, you know what I mean?
"I've never hada bag of licorice
"and tried to fight a cop.
You know, that's really..."