ULTIMATE SKETCH ARCHIVE
["Hail to the Chief" playing]
- Good evening,my fellow Americans.
You remember my angertranslator, Luther.
- Why, hello.
- Now, I've told Lutherthat he can join me
for this last address,but that his being
on his very best behavioris crucial
to healing the dividein this country.
- Keep it chill, Luther.
Go againstevery natural instinct
in your body.[inhales deeply]
- Since we last spoke,
the country has votedfor a new president.
- Here we go.
- Oh, man. Come on.Come on. Really?
Talk about the Trump!
How did this happen, man?
Get the fuck...
Y'all gonna vote for the dudethat's gonna
make America hate again?
Don't you understand?
This is how"The Hunger Games" starts!
- Now, uh, it's true.
We all have to accept--- Damn!
- That...gonna have someone elsecalling the shots.
- Vladimir Putin, y'all!
We got a naked Russkion horseback
gon' be runnin' the show.
Spasibo, Russian motherfuckers.
- It was a close election, butthe people have spoken.
- Yeah, they voted forHillary Clinton,
but then this outdated ElectoralCollege mumbo jumbo
voodoo bullshit--I can't evenmake sense of this--really?
- Now, it's more imperativethan ever...
- Come on! - That we move on
as a country united.- United in the fact that
we can't fuckingstand each other.
- Even as the countryadopts new policies,
uh, on trade, immigration...
- New policy:the only good immigrant
is a smokin' hot white one.
- Who plagiarizes speeches.- Ooh.
I said, "Bitch..."
- Now, I have greatly enjoyed
my time as your president.
- Except when, um,you know, um,
let me think about,let me think--
when the Republicans wouldn'tlet me do shit,
and then that one dude saidI wasn't born here,
and then y'all elected him,so you know what?
Didn't love that part so much.
So pretty much the beginning,
middle, and the end sucked!It sucked, man.
- I have met withPresident-elect Trump
and have pledged my supportin his transition.
- He doesn't even wantthe job, y'all.
I saw it in his eyes.The dude was shook.
The only reason he ranis because his factory
in China made too many red hats.
It's the only...
- I assure you
that if he succeeds,we all succeed.
- Unless he succeeds withall the shit
he promised to succeed with.
In that case, we're fucked!
- And now,a time-cherished tradition
is that the outgoing president--- Don't say "Outgoing!"
Don't say "Outgoing!"♪ La, la, la, la
♪ La, la, la, la, la, laMama say, ma makossa ♪
- That's me--- Damn it.
- Leaves the incoming president
a little note in the deskof the Oval Office.
Of course, it's completelyconfidential--
- "Go fuck yourself."- Until now.
That's my bad.
- To all of you out there
who are afraid that yourway of life is under attack,
remember that progress isn'talways a straight line.
- No, 'cause sometimes it'sa line that goes like this.
It goes: [gibberish]
and then just goesstraight down
for four fucking years!
- Stay strongand never stop standing up
for what you believe in.
- Uh, yes, I would like to booka four-year stay
for five at the Icehotelin Sweden, please.
- Sorry, five?
- For Bo.I mean, y'all are gonna take Bo.
[chuckles][whispers] Make it six.
- In summation: thanks, America.
It's been real.It's been good.
But it ain't been real good.
- Apparently, orange isthe new black.
Good luck with your health care,assholes.
I'm out.- Peace.
- I got my eye on you,pussy-grabber.