Dan Allen - Political Correctness

Season 8 , Ep 0805 01/28/05 Views: 2,824

Dan Allen doesn't care for racism. (3:31)

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,

BUT IT'S A VERY DIFFICULT TIME

RIGHT NOW TO BE A COMEDIAN.

IN THIS ERA OF POLITICAL

CORRECTNESS, YOU REALLY HAVE

TO WATCH WHAT YOU SAY,

ESPECIALLY JOKES PERTAINING TO

RACES.

I SAY THIS BECAUSE I HAD AN

INCIDENT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY

ON THE SUBWAY.

THIS BLACK GENTLEMAN APPROACHED

ME REALLY ENTHUSIASTICALLY,

AND HE ASKED, "HEY MAN, DID THE

YANKEES WIN?"

AND I SAID, "YEAH, YOU'RE FREE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE EMANCIPATED".

OUCH.

WELL, I WOKE UP IN THE HOSPITAL

TWO WEEKS LATER.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT GOOD, NOT GOOD.

I HAVE TO SAY I AM NOT A BIG FAN

OF RACISM.

NOT INTO IT.

I GREW UP IN TEXAS.

THEY LOVED IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I FIND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE

TRYING TO LIVE LONGER.

I ACTUALLY DATED THIS ONE GIRL

SHE WAS A VEGAN, WHICH IS LATIN

FOR FREAK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WAS RIDICU--

EVERY TIME WE WOULD GO TO A

RESTAURANT, IT WAS LIKE A

SITUATION, YOU KNOW.

SHE HAD SO MANY RULES AND

REGULATIONS.

SHE'S LIKE I DON'T EAT ANYTHING

THAT CASTS A SHADOW.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU

FREAKA-LISH-ISH?

SO ONE TIME WE WERE SIMPLY

ORDERING COFFEE AT A DINER AND

SHE LOOKED ME RIGHT IN THE FACE,

AND SHE GOES, "OH, I DON'T

BELIEVE IN SUGAR".

[LAUGHTER]

"BITCH, IT EXISTS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN'T SAY THAT.

YOU CAN'T SAY--

YOU CAN SAY I DON'T BELIEVE IN

THE EASTER BUNNY OR I DON'T

BELIEVE IN JESUS.

THAT'S FINE.

BUT YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN

SUGAR.

IT'S ON THE TABLE.

THEY DON'T GOT PACKETS OF JESUS.

THEY GOT PACKETS OF SUGAR".

BUT I FELT BAD ABOUT THAT,

THE WHOLE INCIDENT.

WE BROKE UP BECAUSE OF THAT.

AND WHAT I DID IS I...

I'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU A POEM THAT

I WROTE HER.

I HOPE SHE DOESN'T MIND.

SHE'S NEVER HEARD IT AND I HOPE

THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO

LISTEN TO IT--

THIS ONE'S ENTITLED,

"THE ETERNAL HEADACHE OF A

SCORNFUL VEGAN".

"I'M A VEGAN,

PURE, ORGANIC, MEEK,

MALNOURISHED.

CHICKPEAS ARE MY MEAT PELLETS.

TOFU IS MY LIFE.

ACCORDING TO VEGANS,

IT'S NOT WHAT I SEE 12 HOMEMADE

COFFINS FOR UNDER 2 BUCKS.

♪ OLD McDONALD HAD A FARM

♪ E-I-E-I-O

♪ AND ON THAT FARM

♪ HE HAD A CHICKEN

BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER

IN THIS WORLD BECAUSE

AN EGG McMUFFIN IS MUCH MORE

IMPORTANT THAN A CHICKEN

WELL VERSED IN EUCLIDEAN

GEOMETRY?

THE POULTRY POPULOUS

IS ETERNALLY DAMNED,

MORTALLY ASSASSINATED,

PAINFULLY ANNIHILATED,

AND PATHETICALLY DEPOPULATED

KILL THE CHICKEN,

KILL, KILL THE CHICKEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LOVE, DAN".

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