Dom Irrera - Restaurants

  • Season 3 , Ep 7
  • 07/18/2000
  • Views: 5,395

No one ever bitches about parsley. (3:48)

AND NOT BEING A WISE GUYIN CERTAIN SITUATIONS, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE, AT THE AIRPORT,THOSE SECURITY QUESTIONS.

I'VE GOT TO BITE MY TONGUE.

I GO TO CHECK MY BAG.

"HAS A STRANGERPACKED YOUR BAGS?"

"YOU KNOW,IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK.

"I WAS AT HOMETHE OTHER NIGHT, RIGHT?

"AND NOT ONE, BUT TWO STRANGERSCOME OVER TO MY HOUSE,

"AND THEY SAY, WE UNDERSTAND YOU'RE GOING ON A LITTLE TRIP.

"ANY CHANCE WE COULD PACK YOUR BAGS?

"WELL, YOU SEEMLIKE NICE ENOUGH STRANGERS.

"TAKE THEM UPSTAIRS.YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED.

DON'T BE A STRANGER, L'ESTRANGER."

"HAVE YOUR BAGSBEEN IN YOUR SIGHT?"

"HARD TO DRIVEAND LOOK BACK.

"I PUT THEM IN THE TRUNKWITH MY COUSIN ERNIE,

THE DEMOLITIONS EXPERT."

WHO'S GONNA TAKE SOMETHINGFROM A STRANGER ON AN AIRPLANE?

WHO'S GONNA BE THAT STUPID?

YOU'RE HOPPING ON A PLANE.YOU'RE ALL HAPPY.

GUY'S HIDING BEHINDS A PILLAR.

"HEY, PAL, PSST.COME HERE."

"WHAT IS IT?"

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT IT IS.YOU'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.

"TAKE THIS ON THE PLANE,

"AND TELL THEMTHE STRANGER SENT YOU.

"THERE'S A LITTLEGLOW-IN-THE-DARK TRINKET

"FOR YOUR TROUBLE,BLESSED BY SAINT ANTHONY.

GET OUT OF HERE."

[applause]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THIS IS--MY WHOLE FAMILY--

ALL THEY TALK ABOUTIS FOOD AND DISEASE.

THAT'S ALL THEY TALK ABOUT:FOOD AND DISEASE.

AND THEY'RE COMPETITIVEWITH ILLNESS, YOU KNOW.

"I GOT A COLD."

"I WISH I HAD A COLD.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE SINUSESANYMORE."

IT'S FUN TO BE IN THISENVIRONMENT AGAIN, TOO, FOR ME,

'CAUSE I WAS A WAITERIN NEW YORK,

AND I WAS THE WORST WAITERIN THE HISTORY OF NEW YORK.

I WAS ONE OF THESE WAITERS:

"OH, JEEZ. CUSTOMERS--THAT'S ALL I NEED NOW.

"LIKE MY NIGHT ISN'T BAD ENOUGH.YOU GOTTA BUST MY CHOPS?

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WANT?COFFEE?

"TELL ME NOW, 'CAUSE I AIN'TDANCIN' BACK AND FORTH

"FOR YOU AND YOUR DOLLAR.

"OH, BOY. A DOLLAR.

"OH, I CAN GO TO A GOOD COLLEGEWITH MY DOL-L-L-LAR.

"IS THIS YALE UNIVERSITY?

MAY I ATTEND YOUR HALLOWED HALLSWITH MY SINGLE BUCKAROO?"

I USED TO HATETHE CHIPMUNK FAMILY.

YOU GET THESE PEOPLETHAT ARE READY TO ORDER,

AND THEY'RE ALL NERVOUSAND AGITATED.

"ME? I'LL HAVE A..."

"WHAT, LIKE A NUT, A WALNUT?

I'LL TEAR SOME BARK OFF A TREE,YOU BUCKY BEAVER BASTARD, YOU."

I LOVE THOSE GUYSWHO TRY AND GET, LIKE,

RIDICULOUS SUBSTITUTIONS.

"HEY, HEY, BROTHER,HOMESLICE, CHECK IT OUT, BRO.

"INSTEAD OF THEM CELERY STICKS,CAN I GET ME A VEAL PARMIGIANA?

"WHY DON'T YOUCHUCK THAT PARSLEY

AND SLIP ME A SHANK STEAK,HOME CHICKEN?"

THAT'S ONE THING NOBODYEVER BITCHES ABOUT IS PARSLEY.

YOU NEVER SEE SOME INDIGNANTCUSTOMER, "WAITER, PLEASE.

"CAN WE GETA LITTLE MORE PARSLEY HERE?

BE FAIR."

THE ONLY THING I COULD BEIS THE PEPPER GUY.

THE PEPPER GUY'S--YOU KNOW,HE HAS, LIKE, AN ATTITUDE.

THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO DOIS PEPPER.

"FRESH PEPPER?

ARE YOU SURE?'CAUSE I AIN'T COMING BACK."

I USED TO WORK IN A DINERIN NEW YORK.

PEOPLE WOULD COME INAND ORDER BLUEFISH

AND THEN COMPLAIN ABOUT IT,THAT IT WASN'T FRESH.

"WAITER, THE BLUEFISHISN'T FRESH."

"NO KIDDING. IT'S LOU'S DINER.IT WAS NEVER FRESH.

"MATTER OF FACT,IT WAS NEVER EVEN FISHED.

"IT WAS PROBABLY FOUND FLOATINGDEAD ON POLLUTED WATERS.

"THAT'S WHY WE CAN AFFORDTO SELL IT HERE.

"IT PROBABLY DIEDOF FOOD POISONING.

BON APPETIT."

BONA PETITE,THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND.

MY GIRLFRIEND'S FRENCH, RIGHT?

MY GIRLFRIEND'S FRENCH-CANADIAN.

[mimicking girlfriend]

LIKE A LITTLE DUCK.

AND SHE IS REALLY A BITCH.

I MEAN, SHE'S REALLY--I MEAN,I LOVE HER, BUT A BITCH.

YOU KNOW,THAT'S WHY, I THINK,

THEY HAVE INSTANT REPLAYIN FOOTBALL.

DON'T YOU WISH THEY HAD THATIN REAL LIFE?

THE GIRLFRIEND COMES HOMEIN A BITCHY MOOD.

"WHY YOU GOT THAT BITCHY LOOKON YOUR FACE?"

"I DON'T HAVE A BITCHY LOOKON MY FACE."

"OH, YEAH?

WHY DON'T WE JUST GOTO THE VIDEOTAPE?"

KNOW WHAT'S COOLABOUT STAND-UP FOR ME?

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